Struggling to come to terms with SN school. AIBU?

[CheeseAndSmackers]

I have DTwins. One has a restrictive physical disability along with autism and learning difficulties; he has been in a special school since he was four years old. It was expected he would attend a special school since he was wee and his school has been fantastic for him.

The other one has no physical disabilities, is very academic and presents as NT; however, he also has autism and some extreme sensory processing issues. He was in a regular primary school and did really well until the end of the final year of primary. At this time, he was constantly angry and unregulated.

When he moved to secondary school, things fell apart rapidly and he spent most of the first year in and out of school. He was crying every night, angry, withdrawn and struggling to cope. His school tried to help but nothing worked. He would spend weeks at a time at home and never completed a full week in school.

His school applied for an ehcp and eventually he got one after it taking a long time to be assessed. To shorten a very long, turbulent story; it was recommended that he attend the same school as his brother, starting this coming September (the school caters to lots of types of disabilities). It is a very good school and my other DS is thriving there.

I know I should be happy that his brother has been offered the chance to attend, but I’m struggling to accept it (albeit I don’t know why). I feel DT2 appears as “too NT” to fit in at a special school. I feel maybe we didn’t give regular school enough of a chance.

DT2 was always top of the class and some parents were not so nice about it; he excelled in academics but struggled with friendships and other things. Other parents couldn’t see his struggles and always just thought him to be aloof. I’m selfishly worried about their reactions. Like I’ve failed both my twins.

Is he going to miss out on so many opportunities from a regular school? Deep down, I know he will not take very well to trying another regular school.

I feel sad and upset but it’s hard to put in to words why.

AIBU? Please be kind.

I know its sad but at least he maybe happier to go in.
Secondary expect so much independence which is hard if behaviour can be a few years younger.

What academic routes does the special school offer? Will he still have the opportunity to work towards GCSEs? What do you feel he would miss out on from mainstream? Is it social opportunities? It sounds like the mainstream school is just too overwhelming for him. If he is happier due to a more tailored environment, it will allow him to focus on learning and do better. He won't be wasting all his energy on trying to cope. I can still understand this is somewhat of an adjustment for you, and it may feel like you are grieving him having a more usual school experience.

Does the mainstream school have an ASD class or unit attached to it. Maybe he would benefit from attending an ASD class and then when he is able may be able to attend some mainstream classes and have the option of the unit when he feels he needs a break?

There are different routes to access with learning in the special school. DT1 will never sit GCSEs but DT2 will have the chance to at a later date.

@Tooolde yes I think DT2 really struggled with the need for organising and independence. He has executive functioning issues and although I was doing as much as I could to help, he was overwhelmed by the need to remember everything. He is not as mature as his peers but acts very grown up around them.

you had a main stream child and now you don't, there is going to be a period of mourning. But he is going to be in the place that gives him the best opportunities for the future xx

@BendingSpoons I feel socially he will miss out on being a regular teen and learning the resilience needed to cope in life. However, the other side of me feels, he hides behind a mask so is he really benefitting by being around other regular teens?

@Mouk There’s no asd unit in the regular school. We do have an asd unit near us where the DC spend 50% in regular classes and 50% in base but they decided they would not be a suitable place for DS. I think I agree.

@notknowledgeable Your post has made me bawl! (Not in an unkind way). I’m just crying a lot about this situation at the moment.

sending you hugs xx

The mainstream school wasn't suitable but that doesn't mean he can't have normal teenage experiences.
Get him involved in cadets (Air Training Corps for quieter children) and he will have the opportunity to go on adventurous activity weekends, overseas trips, DoE, sports competitions etc just like school. All of the friends I saw outside of school were from cadets, school friendships tend to be quite superficial nowadays with less time to talk at school and more time whatsapping, meaningful friendships are often formed at extracurriculars.

I have nothing helpful to add, I’m sorry I wish I did. I do want to say that you sound a fabulous mum to both of your children, a real warrior. Keep on keeping on. YANBU

@Singleandproud I never thought of it that way. DT2 does have a scouts type group he attends twice weekly with the same group of DC . He’s been going a few months now and they have their first camping trip at Easter.

I’m so focused on school, I never thought about the positives from this.

It sounds as though you are sad he is missing out on the school life you thought (hoped?) he would have, as opposed to thd school life he would actually have had in mainstream.

I'm happy for you the move has come so easily.
My year 8 autistic child has been out of mainstream school for a year now, with no clear timeframe of when they will be placed in a sen school. The process is lengthy and stressful.

@Bethebest Thank you. Bawling again.

I'd second @Singleandproud and say cadets, or scouts, or swim club or whatever he's interested in sports wise will give him a 'normal' space if that's what he wants/needs.

So long as he can do his GCSEs in this school then he will also likely go on to college where there will be a mix of kids and some subject areas are much more suited to ND than others... taking a look at a local design college (16+) was an eye opener for me!

It's tough OP bit you have not failed your kids - either of them - you have them in a posit8ve environment where they can thrive.. and if they don't you have the wherewithal to change things for them it seems. You are doing them proud!

@Shardonneigghhh Yes I think you also have a point. It’s the path I thought DT2 would take . I already accepted his brother not having the path I envisaged for them, but to also have DT2 to not have that too, I’m really feeling it.

I’m sorry your son is also struggling. It has taken a long time for us to get to this stage. I really hope something happens soon for you.

It may not be forever. Maybe he needs the extra support and understanding for a few years and you can reassess at say year 9 or year 11.

In the meantime freeing him from the exhaustion and anxiety that mainstream was causing him will let him blossom in other ways. Not least, confidence in himself rather than a feeling of struggling and having to mask.

I think it will take time to adjust to this different placement. But there are positives. Both twins will be in the same school, DT2 will hopefully feel less pressure with regard to the organisation side of things.

I hope that he has the opportunity to thrive academically and socially and he will have opportunities to join things outside school that will allow him to be a typical teenager and form friendships outside of, as well as inside school.

You're doing a fantastic job for your twins and I hope that they both have fulfilling experiences and the support they need.

@LittleOwl153 thank you for your kind words. These posts are really helping. I can’t discuss this with anyone irl.

@minipie I have seen a change in him since he stopped attending the regular school and was enrolled in the scouts club as different provision. It took a few weeks but he went from being angry and upset , back to his normal happy self.

DT1 is very excited to have his brother with him. They’ll be in different buildings but should be able to see each other.

@Bluevelvetsofa Thank you, I hope so too. You’re right it’s a huge adjustment and I feel bad for being upset about things when I know so many other DC are struggling and need special placement’s. It just difficult to adjust to when it has become a shock because I really thought DT2 would thrive in regular school.

From my experience of fighting for a special school for a child who needs it I'd say you have to take the school place. Funds and places are soo limited if they think your child should be in special school they really need it.

Look at how unhappy your kid is. Try to focus on what's best for them not the loss you are feeling. I've got a high need send kiddo and now my youngest is still non verbal and clearly is going to have autism like his brother. I've been mourning the loss of what I thought was a NT child as he was so different to my high needs kiddo. You have to remember you don't love them less you are mourning the loss of the opportunities you thought your kids would have.

Be sure to check your child will be able to not just access GCSEs but be enabled to achieve their potential. I have a friend who's kids is in a specialist school that offers GCSEs but non of the kids are getting good grades when she raised with school they said they are doing their best many of the kids can't do the higher level stuff so they just don't teach it.

For the social side I do think that's a valid concern. But there are ways around it eg scouts and youth clubs. You can even volunteer and help at most of these sorts of groups so can be there to support should your child need.

And from a personal note. I was a very academically able autistic kid at mainstream. Secondary school ruined my mental health. I came out with good GCSEs etc but 20 years later I'm still not over the school experience. I also have no friends from school, I was the weird kid no one wanted to be my friend and I got left out or outright mocked. All my friends now are ND themselves. I suspect at a special school I would have made friends as we interact socially differently to NT it's so hard in mainstream

Have you considered home schooling? This can work very well for very academic but anxious children with SEN. Unfortunately our experience of a very bright child in a SEN school wasn't great as they didn't have peers there with the same interests/abilities and were distressed at the level of work (and not enough differentiation).

I also think you need to let go of ideas of 'resilience' for a child who is struggling. Focus on the here and now and try and get their (unmet) needs met. Once they are happier and functioning better, 'resilience' has a way of sorting itself out.

@PurpleBugz I’ve accepted the placement to start in September because I know he’s very lucky to be offered it. You’re right , it’s the “loss”’of thinking your child was NT but realising they are going to struggle much more in life than you ever anticipated.

DT2 is likely to be at the higher end of academic ability and I do worry that his cohort will not be able to access GCSEs in the same way as in the regular school. But on the flip side, I hear so many stories of ND DC getting through to GCSE years and being so overwhelmed they crash out of school. So I feel there’s no guarantee this won’t happen to DT2.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience; my fear for my boy is the toll on his MH. He was crying regularly because he was struggling to make friends and he was always sat by himself at lunch. I feel he was the “weird kid”. It was heart wrenching. That must have been very difficult for you.

@Grimbelina We did try a period of home education but it didn’t work very well between work and other commitments. DT2 also wanted to be at a school so badly.

Best wishes. I can imagine how tough it is, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing for your DC. Watching a young kid go through the transition undiagnosed (the issues are overt) and therefore unsupported (mainstream, public) and honestly it seems so detrimental. Saw it with a sibling too.

Some good suggestions for outside activities and with these at least he can choose things that appeal and do as much or as little as he wants. If it was the other way and he was struggling in mainstream, his outside activities may involve getting support and that is very tough as they move into the teenage years.

Mainstream school can also be brutal for anyone who is struggling.

Hope it goes well and feels lighter.

Your son will be much happier there. Think of how nice it will be to send him out in the morning with no upset & fear about school, to somewhere where he will be supported to achieve all he can whilst allowing him to fully be himself. From a practical point of view its also easier having both kids at the same school. Through my work I've visited lots of SEN schools & they are fabulous places. Really tailored to the kids & accepting. Your boy will be so much happier & in turn so will you.