Struggling to come to terms with SN school. AIBU?

[CheeseAndSmackers]

I have DTwins. One has a restrictive physical disability along with autism and learning difficulties; he has been in a special school since he was four years old. It was expected he would attend a special school since he was wee and his school has been fantastic for him.

The other one has no physical disabilities, is very academic and presents as NT; however, he also has autism and some extreme sensory processing issues. He was in a regular primary school and did really well until the end of the final year of primary. At this time, he was constantly angry and unregulated.

When he moved to secondary school, things fell apart rapidly and he spent most of the first year in and out of school. He was crying every night, angry, withdrawn and struggling to cope. His school tried to help but nothing worked. He would spend weeks at a time at home and never completed a full week in school.

His school applied for an ehcp and eventually he got one after it taking a long time to be assessed. To shorten a very long, turbulent story; it was recommended that he attend the same school as his brother, starting this coming September (the school caters to lots of types of disabilities). It is a very good school and my other DS is thriving there.

I know I should be happy that his brother has been offered the chance to attend, but I’m struggling to accept it (albeit I don’t know why). I feel DT2 appears as “too NT” to fit in at a special school. I feel maybe we didn’t give regular school enough of a chance.

DT2 was always top of the class and some parents were not so nice about it; he excelled in academics but struggled with friendships and other things. Other parents couldn’t see his struggles and always just thought him to be aloof. I’m selfishly worried about their reactions. Like I’ve failed both my twins.

Is he going to miss out on so many opportunities from a regular school? Deep down, I know he will not take very well to trying another regular school.

I feel sad and upset but it’s hard to put in to words why.

AIBU? Please be kind.

He's happy op, he will have a better time with less demands while still following the curriculum and will sit his exams.

He's got scouts, he's got you, his brother and he's got friends. Lots of children have friends at different schools.

You will be far less stressed with a child who's happy going to school than the child you were describing before he moved.

OP you sound fantastic, a real advocate for bot your children and they should be proud to have you as a mother.

From an academic POV, is it worth exploring 1:1 tuition out of school if you can afford it and feels your DC needs it to do well at GCSE level?

Working in a mainstream secondary and seeing how little support we can give your DC (not because I don't want to, we lack the time and resources), he will be so much better in special school.

At moment he needs to build himself again and this placement sounds like it will do that. It may not be forever, you could look at independent schools in a year or two to see it's suitable transfer. Or nothing stopping you getting him a maths and/or English tutor to challenge him if you think be would cope a bit later. Inter High online is supposedly very good

Its devastating loss feeling when you realise they are deviating from the path you thought was open, the child you thought would be ok and you didn't have to worry about.

Hugh hugs

Look at his skills and consider whether they will set him on an employment path later on. I have no doubt that my nd kids will find a niche for themselves in work, as they will be able to pursue special interests, such as technology. The world is more flexible now with partial work from home, shift patterns etc. It's secondary school that terrifies me for them.

Also, you are looking at the social side in a nt way. Many autistic people don't want a large circle of friends. Maybe they get more enjoyment interacting with one or two people, online etc. It is completely natural to be sad when things don't turn out as expected, so be sad for a bit. Then find the positives in how this will suit him better. If he tries the school and it is not for him, you could also consider something like internet school.

You need to find the right school for him.

There are specialist schools that allow for robust academics, a variety of independent schools that take children with an EHCP etc.

Just because one is in a school that works for them it doesn’t mean it will be right for the other.

I have two boys with autism with very different presentations - my older boys sounds like your son who is moving from mainstream.

He gets through the day but he’s not happy and frankly I’d rather he got through school happy and emotionally intact than with a raft of A* grades and damaged by the experience.

He’s in Y6 and we got a specialist setting approved which caters for academically able children in classes or around 7-10 in a low arousal environment but with a mainstream syllabus.

@Merryoldgoat There is a limited selection of special schools in our region. The school he has been allocated is the right school for him (out of the other ones available), but they do not follow the curriculum the same way as a regular school.

This thread has really helped me process things. I’m still feeling sad about things but I know it will come in time.

DT1 is so happy there and DT2 is very excited. I broke the news to DT2 that he does not have to ever return to the regular school and I saw the weight visibly lift from his shoulders.

I thought I would update this thread. DT2 went for a taster session at the new special school. He made an instant friend due to their shared special interest of a niche subject. It’s all he’s talked about and it appears to have boosted his confidence.

DT2 struggled to make any friends at the time he was in mainstream so this is a big deal to him. He will have multiple taster days before starting officially in September and him and new friend have already swapped numbers to talk about their special interest.

We also bumped in to some of the parents from his old primary school at the park yesterday. I’ve always felt these parents wanted my DS to “fail” because he excelled at academics so much, won lots of awards and was always chosen to represent his class. These parents did not see his other struggles. It’s obviously clear that their DC have wondered where DT2 had gotten to as their DC moved to the same regular secondary school. I didn’t feel ready to talk about the move to a special school I didn’t address this.

Again DT2 was the outlier at the park; his old friends were gathered at the skate park laughing and joking whilst DT2 was sat on the swing by himself. It’s really made me realise that he’s not as NT as I thought he was. It is clear that DT2 hides his true self and I feel this was easy for him in a primary class of less able children but when the intensity increased, he couldn’t manage anymore.

I am still finding this realisation hard, but I am starting to see that this is probably the right decision. Thank you all for your kind words.

I know this is an old thread, but it really resonates with me, so I am posting. How is DS2 now, OP?

My own DS2 looks set to go to special school very soon. He is currently in Year 10 in MS school. He had been doing so well up to Year 9, then it all started to go wrong. He was getting very poor/no grades, getting upset & stressed & shouting in class. From having won a major school award in Year 7, it's been hard to watch the decline. He has autism & ADHD & always had an EHCP, but developed epilepsy at the end of Year 7 & it all seemed to go downhill from there.

I very much feel that I am mourning the child he was, the star pupil who was going to do A Levels. Now he won't even get to do more than Maths & English GCSE, they don't offer it at the school he is going to. There are not a wide selection of SEN schools where we are, and he will be happy here, just not achieving what he could imo.

DH says I am wrong to feel like this & i should be excited, but I just can't 😔 It feels like he's been robbed of the future he was going to have. Or maybe we have been letting him down all this time by pursuing MS 😔 It's pretty soul destroying either way.