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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Completely lost with my mum

50 replies

Zayana · 06/02/2024 17:02

Right, I’m going to summarise as much as I can.

I adore my mother. We are so close, she’s the best mother, nan and such a beautiful soul. I’m 24. We live together, at her house along with my daughter whos 4 and my partner. She’s basically been a single parent all my life and absolutely spoiled me beyond belief and I’m so so grateful for everything. She doesn’t have the best of health physically & mentally so she worries a lot and can’t really do much around the house. She doesn’t really go out anywhere. She’ll cook say once a week, but that stresses her out because the size our kitchen or if she can’t find something, she will look after my son but that’s usually shared between my partner if he’s home, I clean, I do the washing, I basically do things around the house to keep her happy and not stressed. Even down to the gardening. She doesn’t really come downstairs but when she does I’m on edge as she does have the habit of picking bad things out. We had an argument 2 weeks ago after I went out. My daughter was safe with my partner and my mother was also in the house. I kept it contact. I haven’t been out in over 2 years. Ok I was late but she was literally walking the streets after me saying ‘I’m safe I’m waiting for a taxi’, she went absolutely nuts on me. I know she’s always going to worry about me but it felt so intense and extreme. I think I feel a bad person and cruel saying all this but ultimately I live on eggshells but I don’t want my mother thinking I love her any less but I worry about noise from my daughter, if I haven’t done something around the house, if she’ll wake up in a mood, if my dog barks, if me and my partner have words I know she can hear, I feel so guilty for even sharing this but I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
90yomakeuproom · 06/02/2024 17:04

You need your own space/house.

purpleme12 · 06/02/2024 17:05

It's lovely that you've still got a good relationship (I think?) But it might be time to move out.
Have you talked to her about her being extreme about things like this?

WestendGrrls · 06/02/2024 17:06

Similar story to a friend of mine whose Mum was a nightmare to live with but she was nearly 40. You can't change your Mum. My friend found her own place with her partner and is now living a much happier life!

Zayana · 06/02/2024 17:07

@purpleme12 is it lovely but when we argue it’s awful. I haven’t because I feel awful and I don’t want to upset her

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 06/02/2024 17:07

You need to move out and build a life with your partner and a child as your family unit
Your mum sounds highly dependent on you - is that why you live with her
her reaction to you going out for the night is totally OTT and actually you walking on eggshells suggests this is not a healthy relationship

2dogsandabudgie · 06/02/2024 17:08

You and your partner need to have your own place. She will probably create a fuss because it has just been you and her for years, but you really need to move out.

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2024 17:08

You need to set your boundaries and if they aren't acceptable to her, you move out. Is she getting MH support? Do you leave the house with your DD? It's worrying that you haven't been out in two years.

purpleme12 · 06/02/2024 17:09

Zayana · 06/02/2024 17:07

@purpleme12 is it lovely but when we argue it’s awful. I haven’t because I feel awful and I don’t want to upset her

Ok well it sounds like the best option would be to move out.

cantgetabus · 06/02/2024 17:10

Is your mum on here?

BlondeFool · 06/02/2024 17:12

I'm sure I read your mum's post yesterday

SallyWD · 06/02/2024 17:13

So if this is genuine your mum posted yesterday (or the day before) with the identical story saying how upset she was about the row after she came out looking for you.

purpleme12 · 06/02/2024 17:14

Oh I missed this mum's post then!

Zayana · 06/02/2024 17:14

@Ponoka7 it was a girls night, we’re both mums so had been awhile… me and my partner do go out lol

OP posts:
Starzinsky · 06/02/2024 17:22

This is what happens when grown up children still live at home.

Crunchymum · 06/02/2024 17:29

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2024 17:08

You need to set your boundaries and if they aren't acceptable to her, you move out. Is she getting MH support? Do you leave the house with your DD? It's worrying that you haven't been out in two years.

I think she means she hasn't been out socially (IE at night with her friends) not that she doesn't go out?

SallyWD · 06/02/2024 17:32

Well done for finding it. I tried but I couldn't. Hope this doesn't cause even more family drama!

Pigeonqueen · 06/02/2024 17:33

SallyWD · 06/02/2024 17:32

Well done for finding it. I tried but I couldn't. Hope this doesn't cause even more family drama!

I think if this is true then maybe the lack of communication doesn’t help!

Spendysis · 06/02/2024 17:34

Think I have seen a similar post on here yesterday from your mum

your an adult you need to move out

Mossstitch · 06/02/2024 17:40

Starzinsky · 06/02/2024 17:22

This is what happens when grown up children still live at home.

Not necessarily, I have two grown sons living with me at the moment. One had his own house but asked to move back in, youngest never left, but we don't have arguments or problems at all. I treat them as adults, I don't ask where they go or what they are doing, if they tell me fine, if they don't I know its private and don't ask. Op needs to have a serious talk with her mum about allowing her to be a grown up and if she doesn't understand or treat her as such then she needs to move out!

RantyAnty · 06/02/2024 17:56

I think you need to move out. and what is with the far too old boyfriend?

Why aren't either of you paying rent there?

InSpainTheRain · 06/02/2024 18:49

You, your partner and DC need to move out. You shouldn't have to tread on eggshells like that.

TraitorsGate · 06/02/2024 18:52

One of these related posts must be a reverse, either way it's time to move out.

BestieNo1 · 06/02/2024 18:57

You havent been out for 2 years?!

Wow! You really need to make up for lost time!! You have one life and need to live it!!

Make plans for your own place.

Much love xxxx

PeppermintMandy · 06/02/2024 19:47

Your 37 year old partner living in his 24 year old GFs mums house with his child and his dog is pathetic.

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