Completely lost with my mum

[Zayana]

Right, I’m going to summarise as much as I can.

I adore my mother. We are so close, she’s the best mother, nan and such a beautiful soul. I’m 24. We live together, at her house along with my daughter whos 4 and my partner. She’s basically been a single parent all my life and absolutely spoiled me beyond belief and I’m so so grateful for everything. She doesn’t have the best of health physically & mentally so she worries a lot and can’t really do much around the house. She doesn’t really go out anywhere. She’ll cook say once a week, but that stresses her out because the size our kitchen or if she can’t find something, she will look after my son but that’s usually shared between my partner if he’s home, I clean, I do the washing, I basically do things around the house to keep her happy and not stressed. Even down to the gardening. She doesn’t really come downstairs but when she does I’m on edge as she does have the habit of picking bad things out. We had an argument 2 weeks ago after I went out. My daughter was safe with my partner and my mother was also in the house. I kept it contact. I haven’t been out in over 2 years. Ok I was late but she was literally walking the streets after me saying ‘I’m safe I’m waiting for a taxi’, she went absolutely nuts on me. I know she’s always going to worry about me but it felt so intense and extreme. I think I feel a bad person and cruel saying all this but ultimately I live on eggshells but I don’t want my mother thinking I love her any less but I worry about noise from my daughter, if I haven’t done something around the house, if she’ll wake up in a mood, if my dog barks, if me and my partner have words I know she can hear, I feel so guilty for even sharing this but I don’t know what to do

She has a 37 year old DP, a 4 year old and a dog. She doesn’t need a “serious talk with her Mum about allowing her to be a grown up”…she needs to actually live as a grown up with her nearly 40 year old partner.

Your mother is mentally unwell by the sounds of it. She needs medication going by your description.

If this is real and not some sockpuppetting from the other thread...

You need to move out and give your mum some space. You're an adult now with your own responsibilities, let your mum enjoy her own house. It's her home, and she should be able to enjoy it without you and your partner around all the time.
Grow up and move out with your partner and daughter. You will have a much better relationship with your mother.

Far too old boyfriend? My now husband was 36 when I met him at 20.
Granted, we weren't living with any parents but this constant need to dig at people who don't date 2 years either side of their own age is getting tiresome.

A 33 year old man getting a 20 year old pregnant and moving into her Mums house with a dog and still being there 4 years later is pathetic. It’s not just an age gap, it’s the circumstances around it.

Is this real? Has someone posted a reverse somewhere ?

I'm not sure it is real saver having seen the link to the other thread someone posted

Is it a daughter or son you have? You say daughter, then son, then daughter again but you only have one child?

That isn't for you to judge - why don't you mind your own business.

How interesting.

OP why don’t you just move out or is there a reason why you all have to live at your mum’s house?

Jheez. Tell us what you really think

People often change small details to be less identifiable but can sometimes slip up. Going by the other thread, my guess is that OP has a son but wanted to change the sex to a girl for this thread. Accidentally slipped up and referred to her child as her son which is what he probably is.

I doubt the OP will be back so we’ll probably never know

In what universe is the woman you describe "the best mother ... and a beautiful soul" ?

Whose house is it? If you've never moved out then you need to. She can't be that old (if you're 24) that she needs the level of care you're giving, unless there's a huge drip feed coming.

If this is OP (probably is) then I'd think the 37yo bf was the 45yo mum's bf and the 24yo was the man's step daughter!

Mind my own business? I don’t think you understand how MN works?

What I really think is he’s 7 years younger than her Mum and 13 years older than her 🤢

If a 20 year old came on MN and said, I’ve just met a man, he’s 33 and lives with his Mum, should I have a child with him? Everyone would say run for hills. Why are women’s bars so low?

If this was a temporary situation then fine but they have a FOUR year old and have acquired a bloody dog. I suggest you read the post that is the mother’s side of this situation if you haven’t already.

I read your mums post yesterday.
I think you need to get your own house, this situation looks like it is stressing everyone out.
You have both said you have had a lovely relationship up until now, by getting a bit of space may restore this

Calm down. You’ve read two posts, you don’t know the ins and outs of their lives. Your comparison doesn’t even make sense. He moved in with her and her mum on a short term basis when moving house. I suggest you go back and read the other thread

Whenever anyone comments on anything on MN they don’t know the ins and outs of the posters lives 🙄 So you have to go on what you read on the post(s). That’s how this works.

He did move in because he was moving house but then it “went from there” and now it’s a permanent arrangement with no plans for any of them to move out in the future. In fact they are planning on building Mum a hut to live in within the garden while they stay in her house!

I have just realised the 4 year old isn’t his but honestly that makes things worse. If you have a baby by one man at 19 then start dating a man closer in age to your mother and you’re still not living like an adult it’s time to grow up. She’s making adult choices with her even more adult boyfriend. Time to be independent.

A 37 year old man being happy with this arrangement is weird. I’m saying that as a 38 year old myself. Would I f**k live in my 24 year old DP’s Mum’s house with a 4 year old that isn’t mine with the only plan being the 45 year old mother moves into the bloody garden! She has health issues but she isn’t decrepit, she’s 45!! & she’s saying she doesn’t feel comfortable in her own home in part because of how her daughters 37 year old boyfriend is treating her. How you can think is in anyway a sensible, healthy situation?

I will never think that age gap is ok. The difference in life stages is not right in my opinion, nor the accompanying power differential.

Don’t say calm down. It’s extremely patronising. And that poster isn’t het up, just not on board with really fucked up arrangement this family has going on.

Im confused by what gender your child is....

I’ll say whatever I want to say thanks!

It doesn't particularly matter what you think, that is precisely my point.
I have been with my husband quite happily for 20 years now.
There is no power imbalance as much as some mnetters would like to imagine there is.