Why are people so two faced

[Paloma52]

Long story short, DH and I recently fell out with a toxic couple after nearly 20 years of friendship. I want to add that this was after tolerating a lot of what I now realise was exclusion bullying on their part and biting my tongue for fear of a fall out. We were originally part of a group of 8, and each member came to me expressing anger etc regarding this couple and their behaviour, but I kept my counsel and didn’t get involved. One of the 8 since the fall out has basically distanced herself from me, which hurts, as we were very close and I did loads for her, and the other 2, although we still see and do things with them, still moan to us about said couple, but continue to see them and book holidays etc. AIBU to feel annoyed and actually a little peeved by this? I am losing respect with them to be honest, as the couple we fell out with are a nasty piece of work, masquerading as kind, altruistic people, but it is for their own personal again/image, and everyone knows this, but continue to suck up to them. I am aware that I cannot control who people see and what they do, but it is making me want to cut them all off, as I cannot stand the hypocrisy.

Well maybe the one who has kept her distance feels the same about you.

You’ve stayed friends with this couple for 20 years after all! Despite everyone disliking them.

Because they don’t want to be where you are now, on the outside of the group. They don’t like these people but want to be in the group.

It took you 20 years to make a break from this toxic couple. Maybe it's taking other people time too?

No, she has text me saying that she knows I have done nothing wrong, but feels awkward seeing us for fear of upsetting the other couple. There is a strange control dynamic going on.

This.

You sound a bit like a born-again Christian in your newfound zeal for everyone to wake up to what you regard as the awfulness of these people.

Think you are right.

No, I just do not want these people coming to me and moaning, but not doing anything about it, they are enabling the behaviour

But you spent two decades putting up with what you describe as ‘exclusion bullying’, biting your tongue,with other people also complaining about them to you, but you refusing to get involved or express an opinion!

Just because you’ve finally changed your behaviour doesn’t mean they have to copy!

How do you masquerade as kind and altruistic? Either you do kind things for people- and therefore you are kind, or you don’t do kind things…

No, apologies, I wasn’t clear, the horrible behaviour only became apparent in the last two years, before then, we only saw them alone and not as part of a group. It is a very long winded story, but I can assure you, I would not have tolerated it for 20 years

They are only kind and altruistic to people who can give them a step up the social ladder. Example, they will post about charity work, but slag off or disparage people with true good intentions. They always have a hidden agenda

This feels a bit prejudice singling out one people group- tbh this applies to any groupthink imo, there are many band wagonites and echo chamber dwellers of lots of kinds these days. We need to be more empathetic and thick skinned and accept that people's beliefs and values are largely situational and that we may well feel the same way in their situation.

I’m finding this confusing. So you’ve known this couple for 20 years, but for 18 of those years you only saw them alone and thought they were great.

For the last two years, you’ve seen them as part of a group of eight, and have begun to dislike them and feel mistreated by them. In this same two year period, several other people in the group came to you to complain about them, but you refused to get involved or listen. Now you’ve finally fallen out with the couple, you’re annoyed the other people in the group are still seeing them socially?

Not sure I understand? I haven’t singled anyone out?

I have got a friend that does this about another woman we know. Cannot for the life of me understand why she is still friends with her as she is possessive and controlling, and my friend knows it but she seems to have a hold over her.
I had to distance myself because l find it so frustrating.

I have no issue with others seeing them socially, it isn’t up to me to control who others see, I have an issue with them saying one thing to me, but then acting like best friends with them. They changed towards us once we started doing more as a larger group, and that we were liked and accepted by everyone.

Thank you. I know it sounds petty, but it drives me nuts. I have no interest in hearing what is going on with the other couple, hence, why, however upsetting it has been, I chose to break away, as the toxic behaviour was upsetting.

Well, I suppose you need to accept they’re making a different choice, or that they enjoy aspects of the relationship enough to mean they want it to continue even if it’s problematic? You should obviously tell them you don’t want to hear anything about the ex-friends, though, although it might have a knock-on impact on your relationship with those you still see.

My bad I was replying to HarkGarkBark..."You sound a bit like a born-again Christian in your newfound zeal for everyone to wake up to what you regard as the awfulness of these people." But was too much of a tech noob for it to appear as a reply. To your situation - I feel your pain - I had a similar situation and ended up letting go of the whole group - it just got too gas lightly and was starting to affect my opinion of myself. I hate to say it, but some people are in our lives for a season and then you will meet others who treasure you. Since then others who have broken away from the group have made contact - it is hard to be the one blazing a trail, but I'm big on only having people in my life who actually care about me and behave like it.

I think you are right. This other couple are lovely, but still moan to us about then. I think I need to politely as that there is no talking about it, but then again, that comes across as trying to tell them what they can or cannot about?

I would not have the patience for a friend like you who wanted to dictate friendships and give hard and fast choices. You’re not teenagers at school, you’re all grown ups and perfectly entitled to see who you want to see. People are perfectly capable of remaining friends with two people who do not get on.

Thank you. It’s so horrible, I hate falling out with people, but this ‘incident’ was something I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate.

And if you read my post, you would see that I have said exactly that? I am not asking them to choose, I just do not want them moaning to me, when they are not prepared to do anything about it. I have no interest in telling people who they can and cannot see.

Nail. On. Head!

this...

you can only control your behaviour, you cannot control others, no matter how much their behaviour annoys.

So distance, cut ✂️ them, stay clear, your world will be filled with less drama.

Maybe the others will come round, but in the meantime leave them in your rear view