To cut ties with my relatives over this...

[0MammaBear0]

My grandparents, mother and aunt have this toxic family dynamic of being overtly judgemental, gossipy and belittling about each other, this is something my own mother used to complain about my grandparents and aunt so you would expect her to understand how it feels like. I moved out from home, got married and now I have my own family, and my parenting style differs from theirs. Because of this they feel entitled to constantly question, judge, criticise and "offering" their unsolicited opinion about every single little thing they disagree about, it made me feel like I owed them an explanation for every little thing. And if this were just once per "issue" I'd be fine with this, but it's like the suffer from amnesia or something because soon after they'd forget about our previous discussion/argument and bring the same topic back, literally I was just talking to a wall. Very quickly I went from looking forward talking to them to dreading it as every conversation felt like a battlefield. This started to affect my mood and mental health and I became very stressed, and my poor DC had to deal with my bad mood, and then I realised I was starting to repeat the same cycle of toxicity. Finally I got sick of it and the next time they criticised me I told them to stop, and how I felt, I appealed to my mother's feelings over how she felt when this was done to her (this was over the family's group chat). To this my aunt felt personally "attacked" and "offended" that I dared to call her out for her toxic behaviour, she callled me immature and that "I can't handle criticism" and left the group chat in a huff to make herself appear the victim (she's a bit of a narcissist), so I got sick of it and left the group too and cut contact with them. I'm now happier and much less stressed, but AIBU?

Why would you be unreasonable?

I'm sure you'll get lots of responses on here saying that you're right...I mean people on here are quick to go no contact with relatives over the tiniest of things.

Me personally...it really does depend on the extent of this. Lots of older women in families are like this...

DH said that all families are complicated and that maybe cutting all contact was a bit too extreme, but it was affecting my mental health and more importantly my DC...

You have the right to protect yourself and your DC. No guilt.
Stick to your guns. You said you feel better without contact. That's the answer.
Sorry for your horrible family.

But make it clear you are there for important issues but not the daily bitching or nit picking gossip.

Hello

YANBU

At times cutting ties is a good thing and at times, time heals and nothing stopping you all getting back to family again

Sadly, family stuff can hurt massively and at times creating distance may help or may not help, there is no easy solutuion but to all sides accept, give, take if that is what they are happy with

Either way, good luck

You really need to give examples...it's hard to tell. Like I said lots of older women in families can be like this...in my family my grandma or aunt's would comment on your weight, your make up, what you're eating etc! It never occurred to me to cut them out of my life...l loved them and just accepted it as a quirk that we'd actually laugh about. Do you love your relatives? Do you get any positives out of the relationship? Are you over sensitive? It's hard to tell from what you've written

Don't you just love it when rudeness is treated a a 'quirk'?

Some people need to raise their bars off of the floor.

Quirk? FFS.

Good on you @0MammaBear0 protecting your little ones from this shit.

Depends what you see as rude. My late elderly grandmother who was amazing and adored us all, commenting that I should have put on some make up would not have been enough for me to cut her out my life.. what I'd actually do is have a laugh about it with my sister and cousin! But I'm not an especially delicate flower. I know that's an unpopular opinion on here. I'm actually amazed anyone has any relatives on here when they're so quick to cut people off.

Further down the road than you, as my DC are older. I had years and years pre children of being nitpicked and told I was irritating. I thought we'd gone past that now, but it got brought up again last 2 visits, like others have said before women of a certain age can be so set in their ways and opinions. It's a 5 hour journey for us to get there, and when we're there I get criticised on a group chat between the related females (I know because a phone was on the table open on the chat, whilst I was in the room!), and also behind closed doors when I'm in the house. It's ramping up now because older relatives are let's face it, getting really old. There is positioning going by their daughter's, access to a house etc. My DC are now at an age when they also see the criticism aimed at me, and also see how little the relatives try to really get to know them as individuals rather than an "what they want them to be". My DC are the ones pushing to have very little to do with the relatives anymore. No more doting on Granny at all. It's important for the DC to get to make their own decisions as to how involved they want to be with relatives too.

Okay, a few examples... I'm restrictive about screen time while they let their children/grandchildren watch as much tv /tablets as they want, which they can do what they want, but then they used to criticise me constantly about the fact that I limit screen time.

My grandparents and mother have always wanted me to go to university and in the future perhaps having 1 child or 2, but I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother and I want a larger family, so they feel entitled to tell me how should I plan my family.

I also want to homeschool so they made me feel like I owed them an explanation over this choice.

They're also very germophobes and criticised me because DS was in the same room as the baby when he had a cold, I'm not going to quarantine my DC when they're ill, it's good to get the immune system working and the baby didn't even show any symptoms

It's not just my grandparents, my mother is in her 40s and my aunt in her 30s... And again if per every "issue" they just asked once I'd be fine but it was the constant nagging and bombardment, I'm not so thinned skinned as to cut contact over nothing, it really got very unpleasant and I never got to just have a nice conversation with them. Every time we would talk they just criticised me and tried to bully me into giving in, for instance letting my children have unlimited screen time which is something they do and I oppose. They can do whatever they want, I don't need to explain to them why I do X or Y every single time, let alone feeling like I need ro fight them. I've also seen them gossiping about each other and I'm pretty sure they do the same to me behind my back.

I hate gossipy people. I avoid gossips at all costs. They will always have a nasty opinion about people because it’s the way they are wired. Very few gossips gossip about positive happy things, it’s always spite and unsolicited opinions. They also seem to have nothing more to talk about other than other people so can be very boring.
The closer you are to them and the more information they have, the more ammunition they will have to gossip about. You have told them you don’t like it, the fact that they don’t seem to care you don’t like it says a lot. You are well within your right to go LC/NC with them.

If you haven't already, I think you just need to say to your mother, when things are calm.

I want to talk to you about something.

Do you realize how negative and critical you are when talking about others?

I have relatives that do other annoying things so I removed my self from group chat so I wouldn't have to see it all the time. One thinks she's a regular weather forecaster with her constant messages about the weather.
I think one day I counted 21!

I'm actually amazed anyone has any relatives on here when they're so quick to cut people off

Me too. It seems as if many people today can't cope with any perceived slight. Is it the result of raising children to think they're the centre of the world, I wonder?

If you’re willing to have no relationship with your family go for it. No one has the right to tell you that you must be in contact with them.

What you need (imo) is someway to shut them down or cut them dead the minute they start, it's not easy to find your way towards this when they've already been able to get in control of things and dominate you so much!

You're not wrong to do what you feel will aid your mental health and increase your self-confidence.

Give yourself time after going NC to get back into your own 'rhythm' and feel your self confidence has returned. At that point if you so choose you can evaluate the NC and make a final decision. But remember that the final decision is yours and it will be the right one for you.

How old are you, OP?

Quite a few in their 20s and 30s seem to do this when they no longer have any use for their mother.

But they are back wanting to run things when mum retires and wants to move somewhere or they find out she has a lot to leave in a will.

As usual, I find myself astounded at some of the responses but it’s what happens when you put something out to the many types of people on mumsnet I suppose!

Nobody has the right to make you feel that stressed and anxious, and if cutting them off made that dissipate and in return yours/your children’s wellbeing improve then you’ve made the right call. You are not being “a delicate little flower” (ffs 🤦🏽‍♀️) because nobody could possibly know from your post the effect that a lifetime of this behaviour has had on you, but it also doesn’t have to be permanent, you can reopen a conversation with your family once they’ve gotten over themselves and stopped throwing tantrums and you can set boundaries in a healthy way moving forward if you so wish. There is no right or wrong here only what is right for you and your family!

I cut contact with very close family members due to very toxic dynamic which was now affecting my children directly. My mental health was in the pits because of the situation and after a period of very good counselling, I realised that their reaction to my boundaries was their problem and not mine. Nothing was going to change, they suggested that I was using my DS autism as an excuse for his ‘bad’ behaviour and my DD has jealously issues of my niece. It’s been two years now and honestly we are happier without them in our lives. I won’t lie and say it’s easy, cutting off family is very hard but sometimes you need to put yourself and DC first.

Family estrangement is more common than some people may think. There are myriad reasons why it might happen, but making the conscious decision to cut contact with one's own family is rarely a decision taken lightly.

Toxic family dynamics can be deeply destructive. People often stay in toxic family situations due to trauma bonding - which is rather like Stockholm Syndrome. (Better the devil you know, and all that.)

Every family is different. Nobody asks to be born, so we don't owe our parents (or any other family members) anything. If a person makes you feel bad, then stay away from them. That's a basic life rule, and it extends to family members too.

@0MammaBear0 - you must do whatever feels right for you and your own family unit. Trust your instincts. Learn about boundaries. Read up on FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). As an adult you are free to choose who you maintain relationships with.

Having people close to you that actively undermine, challenge and try to control everything you do can be completely destructive. Sounds like your Mum’s way of dealing with it is to join in and focus on you as it then takes the pressure off her. I don’t blame you for not wanting to put up with it anymore.
There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries, it doesn’t make you thin skinned to no longer accept shitty behaviour from others. Especially when it’s as ingrained in your family as it seems to be. The easy option would be to put up with it for years and then turn on another family member further down the line. You’re not being unreasonable at all.