To cut ties with my relatives over this...

[0MammaBear0]

My grandparents, mother and aunt have this toxic family dynamic of being overtly judgemental, gossipy and belittling about each other, this is something my own mother used to complain about my grandparents and aunt so you would expect her to understand how it feels like. I moved out from home, got married and now I have my own family, and my parenting style differs from theirs. Because of this they feel entitled to constantly question, judge, criticise and "offering" their unsolicited opinion about every single little thing they disagree about, it made me feel like I owed them an explanation for every little thing. And if this were just once per "issue" I'd be fine with this, but it's like the suffer from amnesia or something because soon after they'd forget about our previous discussion/argument and bring the same topic back, literally I was just talking to a wall. Very quickly I went from looking forward talking to them to dreading it as every conversation felt like a battlefield. This started to affect my mood and mental health and I became very stressed, and my poor DC had to deal with my bad mood, and then I realised I was starting to repeat the same cycle of toxicity. Finally I got sick of it and the next time they criticised me I told them to stop, and how I felt, I appealed to my mother's feelings over how she felt when this was done to her (this was over the family's group chat). To this my aunt felt personally "attacked" and "offended" that I dared to call her out for her toxic behaviour, she callled me immature and that "I can't handle criticism" and left the group chat in a huff to make herself appear the victim (she's a bit of a narcissist), so I got sick of it and left the group too and cut contact with them. I'm now happier and much less stressed, but AIBU?

The comment your aunt made about you not being able to take criticism - sounds more like she hates not being in charge so she twists it round the way in order to manipulate you into doing things her way.

I grew up in a similar household and it was exhausting. The main perpetrator was my mother who I’m now NC with and my brother I keep at arms length which suits me as my life is now far less stressful. I’ve also come to realise that I’m NOT the incompetent fuckwit that I’ve been made out to be all my life and actually I’m doing alright - which has made me a much more confident person.

I would give your aunties space. I wouldn't bother with them particularly in the future. However, I would retain contact with your mother, with boundaries in place and see how that goes.

I totally agree to cutting contact on a family chat group. Messages sometimes get misconstrued even if they’re not meant as a criticism anyway. I would cut group contact but not face to face or phone calls etc. At the end of the day though, only you know your circumstances & what is best for your wellbeing x

Family do not have a right to make you feel that way just because “that’s the way they are”. No, that’s the way they’ve been allowed to behave unchecked.

People excusing their behaviour are part of the problem. Nobody deserves to be judged or criticised. Nobody should have to put up with judgement or criticism.

Family do not have a right to your present or future if they treat you badly. Being family doesn’t give them a free pass. You have noticed something that harms you and your child and you’ve asked for what you need to change. They’ve thrown their dummy out of the pram because someone has finally stood up to them. Those excusing them within the family don’t want to rock the boat. But it’s okay to rock the boat. It’s okay to say enough is enough.

You are the only person who can protect yourself and your child by setting boundaries. If people don’t like those boundaries, they don’t have to be in your life. It’s their choice.

No. “Lots of older women in familiars are like this” only because nobody tells them that it’s not okay. Once upon a time lots of people in families were racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. (and obviously some still are today), that doesn’t make it okay now. Once upon a time lots of people in families were physically abusive (and again some still are today) once again that doesn’t make it okay.

Let’s stop excusing people’s toxic behaviour and unwillingness to change, let’s stop allowing them to behave terribly unchecked. It’s not a personality trait. It’s no longer tolerated that some people treat other people awfully. No more.

You should be so proud. You recognized the toxicity and you broke the cycle, you rock!
I had to reset boundaries, it took years and my own children's observations to realize I needed to do it. I fear the damage is already done between myself and my eldest daughter but I'll keep trying.
I didn't cut contract but I redefined it, one hour once a week and never alone, and I'm so much happier as a result.
Be proud of yourself!

Felicia19 ·

I'm actually amazed anyone has any relatives on here when they're so quick to cut people off

Me too. It seems as if many people today can't cope with any perceived slight. Is it the result of raising children to think they're the centre of the world, I wonder?

... Imagine having kindness in your life would be perceived worse than btchiness. We can build each other up or we can wear them down. I choose building up my daughters and younger men and women in my family.