Once a cheat always a cheat

[millymog11]

Do you think the above mantra is true (generally speaking I mean, not 100% of the time with no exceptions).

Ignoring the "has it been proven yet?" question, the news story about Christian Horner's controlling behaviour towards someone (who is not his wife Geri) makes me think whenever i see stories like this that having this type of thing in your past is almost always a very clear sign of what you are likely to do in the future. People often fall into the "cheated on" or "cheater" camp without much cross over (I know which one I am in) and often repeat that as a pattern throughout their lives.

I think it depends on what work the cheater has done since the cheating. I have worked extremely hard, many years of therapy, to understand why I did what I did and I truly believe I wouldn't do it again.
Of course we'll only know the day I die if I was right. But I do believe it's possible for people to learn from mistakes and I believe I have.

Cheaters never change. They find ways to shift the blame, it's never their fault, they always have an excuse

I don't think it's always a case of once a cheat always a cheat. Saying that though I would never be able to trust someone in a relationship if I knew they had cheated before. Some people can get past it, I'm not one of them.

Of course it’s not true. I’ve been both cheater and cheated, but neither in the last 20 years.

I cheated in my first two long term relationships. Been with DH 17 years and absolutely would not. I love and respect him far too much.

I think it's true. Like I'm sure there is the odd exception or youthful mistake, but in general- the mentality behind lying to a partner, sleeping with someone else, the disrespect, dishonesty and so on, that doesn't go away. A stupid one night stand might be one thing, but someone who is capable of conducting a whole affair with all the layers of deceit could certainly do it again.

No, of course not, you could say that about anything otherwise.

I've cheated. After it I pinky promised myself I wouldn't do it again and I have not. I think people change and I have the strength to leave an unhappy relationship now rather than distract myself. People grow and change. I'm not ashamed of my past but I am not proud either. Our past helps shape our future.

No, it isn't true. Oversimplification to say that. People do all sorts of things they may regret, or not, and things can be very different in the future depending on the choices made.

The Christian Horner thing was apparently not sexual but about 'extremely controlling behaviour' of a female staffer. Anyone who marries Geri has to have something wrong with them, haha.

I know that when I was young I cheated a lot on my 'partners'. I simply did not care. (not proud but the men didn't care either) Once I found the right person I would never ever dream of even thinking of doing it. So been faithful for 17 years. So that's one example of a big change.

With men though, there is a definitely a 'player' type. I would never trust someone like that to be honest. They seem like they lack emotional maturity and just want instant gratification.

In general? No I don’t think once a cheat, always a cheat. When it comes to Christian Horner… I'm
not surprised one bit. Wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

Of course it's not universally true. I cheated once when I was very young (19/20). I'm in my 50s in a 20 year-long marriage which is my only ltr since the that one, and have never been tempted for a single moment to cheat.

No, of course not.

Nah. It's just one of those trite remarks people make.

No evidence or anything to back it up. They don't even know why they say it. Probably based on someone they knew who was a serial cheat.

People can and do, look back on things they've said or done with regret. Then make the choice to do things differently.

Not sure if it counts but I cheated when I was 19 or 20, just a kiss, didn't sleep with anyone.

I would absolutely no way ever cheat again and still am disgusted I did.

Over 20 years later, zero chance of me ever creating again.

My ex husband was married before me.. it wasn't until we married when l found out from my cousin who was his friend that he cheated on his first wife 3 times..
I was of the mindset ..he won't cheat on me..
And yes he did.. when l found out he had actually cheated on me 7 times that l know of.
Onto wife number three .. he cheated on her too about 7 times too.
He's now onto his fourth wife.. lives abroad.. we don't know where..our daughter is 31 and he's not been in contact with her since she was 16..
His Dad was also a serial cheater.

I actually think it is true, but misunderstood.

I don't think it means that if a person has cheated in the past they will definitely always cheat in future, in any future relationships.

I've always taken it to mean "once a cheat, always a cheat within this relationship". So if for example your husband cheats on you and you choose to forgive, he will always be a cheater within your relationship as it is now. It can't be undone, and the relationship will be different forever because the cheater will always be a cheater, even if they never cheat again. Does that make sense?

You never know the full story. I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat.

Moier · Today 19:35

that is interesting.

I think when I say I believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" its because when people reach an age at which they can have romantic/sexual relationships they come with a blueprint (conscious or subconscious) about what is ok (and by ok I don't mean just acceptable, I mean something which they would be able to rationalise in their head as an understandable thing to do / to have done) and what is not ok.
It is very much hard wired.

People who do not cheat often never ever go there even if, in all the circumstances it would be totally understandable if they had cheated on their partner at the time. They might do other things (abandon the relationship with no explanation etc) but they won't participate in another sexual relationship at at the same time as being with their original partner.

In contrast there are people who, on sliding scale to a greater or lesser degree almost see the overlap of relationships as just how people move on from one relationship to another, and that is a pattern they repeat.

Of course there are lots of people whose very first relationship when they might have been 16 or 17 ended with them going off with someone else and I admit that in those circumstances there is certainly a conversation to be had about whether it was a relationship at all in the first place or just the first evidence of sexuality. But once it is in any way an exclusive relationship (i.e. both parties have effectively declared in public that they are in an exclusive relationship with each other and it has gone on beyond a very short period of time) then they way it ends speaks volumes about the type of person they are and in my opinion is almost always a pattern which is repeated down the road because once you have done it, why would you not do it again?

I think in a lot of cases it's true.
I split with my DD dad many years ago and he has since remarried. Recently found out he has been in trouble at work for sexually harassing a woman who works with him. His wife also works in the same organisation!

That confirmed it for me. Once a cheat, pretty much always a cheat - of course there are rare exceptions!

I think that there are some people who will be serial cheaters, who can’t resist it, or don’t give a shit. But generally, I don’t believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.

I have cheated, when I was young and very stupid. That’s not an excuse for my behaviour, it was very wrong, but I’m a completely different person today than I was at 21. A lot of my cheating back then was due to being very unhappy in my relationship but too stuck in a people pleasing phase to have the balls to end it, alongside excessive drinking which made it seem like an excellent idea. I don’t wish to inflict that pain on someone again, and would end the relationship rather than go that route again.

No, I think that's a massively over simplified view. People cheat for all sorts of reasons. I think men who cheat in long term relationships are more likely to reoffend as generally they have more freedom to leave in the first place.

IMO i’d not forgive my husband cheating but if he cheated in the past I’d not assume he would again. I cheated on an ex because he treated me badly, doesn’t mean it was ok and definitely doesn’t mean I’d cheat on my now DH as I adore him.

If they have the mental ability to suppress feelings of guilt for the cheated on partner once that's a very dangerous mentality in my book. I couldn't do it. I can't lie and I don't like lying I could never do something like that unless I really didn't care for my partner.

It's not true if they cheated with someone else previously because they might not have really loved them. But if they say they really love you and then cheat well they will never be faithful to you

I have never seen or heard of a cheater who has changed his or her ways.