Am I a hopeless wimp for not punching this man??

[Whatonearth123]

Last night I went for drinks with a couple of colleagues to celebrate the 65th birthday of a man at work - I am not there long and was fond of him (thought of him as a harmless type) and thought it'd be a nice thing to do. I am naturally very warm and open (but not flirty or touchy or whatever) and sometimes I get worried about what I attract. Anyway, he told me he was going to walk me to my door as he lives near me, and we chatted normall,y; I was actually talking about my husband. We stopped outside my house and he went in for a hug, and I hugged him back, and then when I pulled away from the hug he said "no, no, come back" and tried to launch in for a kiss on the lips.
So far, so dirty old man. But here's my worry: in the moment, I didn't tell him to go and f@@k himself, instead my thinking in the moment was "oh he's messing, this is a joke, I shouldn't get hysterical about it" and I let him touch my lips with his for about O.2 of a second. I then legged it, and a while later he texted saying "Sorry, didn't want to make you feel awkward. Actually I am not sorry, you tasted lovely" with a laughing emoji. I waited until this mornin and responded with "I am sure you were just messing, it's fine", just to let it pass and I suppose allow for the fact that he was being a drunk lonely old man who was waking up this morning mortified. I have to see him at work tomorrow and would really hate a vibe.
I guess though, I wonder why I didn't immediately in the moment think "this is inappropriate" and tell him what's what. I feel like a wimp. And I am annoyed about it.
Was I being unreasonable in the way I reacted? Be kind, please, I am a bit mentally vulnerable at the moment with another life stress I have going on.

I read your original post and thought you were a woman in her 20s. The fact that you're almost 50 changes things slightly - I don't think this "old" man (a year older than me ) had done anything worth telling a Manager about - yes, he was creepy and a lecherous chancer, and he mistook your friendliness for something else, but it was outside of working hours. Simply don't engage with him any more. If he talks to you at work, be cold with him. If he texts you again, tell him you didn't like his behaviour that night and don't want to hear from him again. Block his number.

I'm not at all surprised you reacted as you did - as PP have said, we're conditioned into it, sadly. For comparison, an older married colleague told me he had feelings for me (this is 20 years ago) but he did it so non threateningly, he knew I wasn't interested but just wanted to tell me and it was never mentioned again. We're still friends. Not a great situation either, but so much better than trying for a kiss and making a lewd comment.

In my work, if you reported that to HR or a manager, they would come down on him like a ton of bricks.

I bet this has happened before and if you report, you're probably not the first to do so. Best case scenario, if he's on his final warning this could be him out of the door if you report it. The texts are proof that he did it and that he knew you hadn't consented (or he wouldn't be apologising).

Don't beat yourself up for your reaction, it's self preservation in a sudden unexpected confrontation, naff all to do with boundaries!

Remember, your reaction afterwards doesn't change the fact that you did NOT consent to the inappropriate contact. Keep repeating that to yourself. This was unwanted and inappropriate contact and you never consented or gave any indication that you wanted this.

I think you have to tell clearly that you do not want this behavior to continue. Email is a good idea. Keep it pretty neutral but give no room for misinterpretation. Something like

Hi X,
I’ve had a chance to think about what to say to you about you kissing me last night.
I was shocked. I did not expect it at all and didn’t really know how to react in the moment. I am now worried you may have got the wrong impression.
Without meaning to offend, I am not interested. I do not want this kind of flirtatious behavior to continue. Please keep all your interactions with me professional from now on.
Regards,
Whatonearth

And if he continues after a clear ´nope’ like that, take it up with HR.

Yep I’m aware the “old man” thing sounds a bit rich when he is only 65 but I was trotting out the standard phrase. I’m not sure how me not being in my 20s changes your view of the situation; perhaps you feel a woman of my age should be more able to react strongly. That’s exactly why I posted - I felt that i should’ve been able to react more robustly at this stage of my life, and am disappointed in myself.

Yes the ageism in that PP's post was a disgrace. You deserve to have a hassle free working environment as much as the next person. There is still a power imbalance here that he is a creepy predator and he is preying on you as a target.

Think about it in reverse, if you'd been on a night out with a new-ish colleague of the opposite sex, would you end the night by insisting on following them to their house to learn where they live then forcing a kiss on them? Then texting "sorrynotsorry" to guilt trip them into smoothing it over for you? Of course not.

The amount of people on this thread trying to minimise what happened or telling you you need more evidence or that you should just suck it up is actually abysmal. This is sexual harassment and should be taken seriously, especially as he followed you home to do it and now knows exactly where you live.

OP they know that you probably won't react, and that if you do, they're ready to pile on the "just joking" /"bloody women can't take a joke" shit. It's the shock of it that stops you from reacting. I imagine that as you're older and perhaps less used to it than you were in your 20s you're even less out of practice and it's even more of a shock.

The shock for me depends entirely on whether I'm expecting it or not. At 16 a boy touched me up at school and I completely froze, nothing like that had ever happened to me before and it was so unexpected. Someone tried it at 17 at a rave and I told them where to fucking go. Way scarier situation, loads of men I didn't know who were mostly high, compared to a school with teachers in the room. But that's part of why I reacted, I was half expecting it. Ever since it's been hit or miss with how I react, depending on how unexpected the move is. Imagine what it must be like to live a whole life without ever being sexually assaulted!

Your reaction in the moment sounds pretty appropriate and normal tbh. We all think of the perfect thing to say and do in hindsight. He ambushed you, and you were a bit in shock and unsure of what was happening. It all happened quickly. I'm so sorry this happened to you 💐 Please don't blame yourself. I've been in these situations, and blamed myself for putting out the wrong vibes/signals. He's the one who should be feeling ashamed of himself.

I would be texting back . Actually I found your action very inappropriate and it was not fine . You did shock me and made me very uncomfortable . I will be blocking your number and at work I don’t want to talk about it at all .

Wow.
Older woman should put up with this?

Yuk what a creep. I'm not sure it's worth making a formal complaint with all the stress that goes with that, especially if you're new to the company. I'd just keep well clear of him, and if he brings anything up make it clear that you didn't appreciate his behaviour and won't tolerate it again.

That’s a really good point - I am out of practice dealing with this sort of shit - I go out and socialise about twice a year nowadays, and let’s face it: one of the benefits of ageing is not having to be fighting off horny eejits on the regular.

You have nothing to disappointed about and I agree your age changes nothing it took you by surprise it does not matter if you are 20 30 or in your 50,s disgusting men like this will always take a chance.he did not have your consent it's that simple don't beat yourself up and again don't be disappointed his behaviour is on him.

This is an awful attitude! Women of any age should be able to expect respectful treatment from a colleague! She'd been talking about her husband, so he absolutely knew that she wasn't looking for a kiss. Even if she had said that she was single, his behaviour was not OK.

When something like this happens, the back of our brain takes over. There's no 'should' about it. We react how we react. There's little to no conscious thought to it. And there is no right answer. Fight and you could be beaten. Freeze and you could be assaulted. Your responses are just trying to keep you as safe as possible. When you aren't safe. Anything you do is a compromise. Men know that and predatory men exploit it. Fucking nobbers.

However, you do have conscious thought now. I would absolutely report him.

I was going to post similar.

My own experience of similar was of a 'decent', married man with whom I worked. He tried to kiss me after a Christmas night out and I felt similarly uncomfortable and also froze

Two years after I left the job, an ex colleague contacted me. He'd been imprisoned for 20 months for sexual offences.

It also transpired it wasn't the first time he'd behaved inappropriately to someone at work either but none of us said anything in case it was 'us'. I'm older and wider now obviously.

That's terrible @GreyCarpet

If you’re 50 something and he’s 65 that’s a bit different to you being in your 20s, because you’re close enough to his age that he could legitimately think you might be interested. You let him walk you home and didn’t object to a hug so he pushed it a bit further, and his response makes it clear he thinks it’s mutual. Obviously you need to clearly say no, I found it inappropriate and please leave me alone. But “dirty old man” - he’s within 10 years or so of your own age?

The age difference is a red herring, his behaviour was wrong. This is not the OPs fault.

This sort of claptrap is why people end up blaming themselves and not calling out predatory behaviour.

I’m not entirely sure why his behaviour was wrong? They’re a similar age man and woman. She accepted his offer to walk her home, she accepted a hug, so he tried for a kiss and she briefly accepted that too, before escaping. He probably thinks she’s interested.

They're colleagues for one, and were outside the house she shares with her husband for two?

OP I see why you reacted how you did in the moment of shock, but with the time to reflect my response message to him would have been a hypothetical punch in the face. He's clearly not all mortified if he wrote that.

I would seriously consider reporting him at work. You this week, a 20 year old colleague next?

OP your age makes no difference. He was inappropriate. Full stop.

When I was at work early 30s, one of the Directors came up to me and whispered I had the sexiest walk in the office. I was going to photocopy it. I was just walking there. I froze and smiled. I didn’t know what to say or do. Later on he called me on for an off the cuff meeting. I did not report directly to this man. There were at least two layers of management between us. He told me if I was his he would wrap me up in cotton wool. Again I froze.

I left the company shortly after due to this and repercussions of not responding back in the way he wanted me to. I was going through a divorce. I look back now and think why didn’t I say something? But I froze. I even smiled.

It’s really sad reading others stories and very enlightening about conditioning and freezing. Thank you to the posters for explaining this to the OP and many of us on this thread.

I am sorry this has happened to you OP. I will be taking some of this information and talking to my 15 year old daughter because the way lots of posters have explained it has given me the words and insight to talk to her. To give her the confidence in similar situations.

I can’t edit but meant to say ‘going to the photocopier’ not whatever my phone posted.

Thanks for the support here. I agree that age is not really the point. I do regret the hugging but all I’d seen in this man up to this point was a cosy avuncular type who talked about his daughters (wife is dead) and was interested in me talking about my family. My instincts are usually sharp enough and I sensed no reason at all to exercise caution. But the more I live and learn the more I think that maybe we have to exercise caution almost always and have really solid boundaries. Another school day for me 🙄