AIBU to be upset by my mum’s “jokes”?

[Thunderbird7]

I have a DS who is 15 months old. He understands a lot more than he can say, so obviously it’s hard to know exactly what he understands.

My mum keeps “joke” blaming me whenever DS is sad or gets hurt and not only is it upsetting me because I’m quite sensitive but I’m worried he understands and is going to grow up blaming me every time something bad happens to him too.

So for example, yesterday I was stood filling in a form with my back turned and he came to hug but he ran into my legs a bit too hard and flopped onto his bum. He didn’t hurt himself or anything, he was just giggling and it was all part of the fun for him. But my mum started saying as a ‘joke’, “Oh no did mummy push you over? I saw her! I saw her!”

Or if I have to wipe his bogies or something, which he hates, while he’s complaining she will say things like “What’s mummy doing to you? Is she torturing you? What a bully!”

Another time he fell over on the other side of the room after I warned him not to do something and she said “Mummy didn’t catch you, did she? Naughty mummy! Smack mummy’s bum!”

She does it ALL the time. Nobody ever laughs, she’s the only person who enjoys the joke, I just find it really upsetting to even think that I would ever hurt him, and I’m scared he’ll grow up thinking everything I do is malicious or every time he bumps that I did it somehow. Or even that he grows up thinking when something bad happens it’s natural to find someone to blame.

AIBU to be getting so upset about it?

It's only a joke if both people find it funny.

This is something I have had to point out to my family after similar dynamics.

She sounds utterly awful, who behaves in that way to their child who is going through a hard time. I would call her out on it and limit contact and should she not stop doing it then don't see her until she apologises, Is your Dad still around? What does he think?

I would call her out too. If your son goes to nursery with a bruise or graze and repeats your mum’s words “Mummy hurt me” instead of “I bumped into mummy by accident because I was running” then you could end up with staff being suspicious of your parenting.
Plus if he’s unaware of the idea of accidents or even things being his fault then he could end up struggling with friendships if he accuses others of hurting him. At some point you will probably have to chat to him about lying is wrong and you don’t want your mum confusing that boundary.
You don’t want to be in a situation where you minimise his account of being hurt because your mum has created this false idea that accidents don’t happen and you assume that his account is exaggerated or inaccurate. Little kids misconstrue things sometimes but someone hurting him is serious.

Either way it sounds like you need to drastically reduce contact so that her behaviour has less effect on you and your son. It’s nasty and bizarre

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would probably tell a little white lie and tell her he repeated it to someone like "my mummy hurts me." So can she stop with the jokes as you're nervous he'll repeat it and it will cause trouble.

Thanks for all your comments… I don’t think I could go NC because I’m not strong enough but I’d like to see her less.

I don’t think she respects the way I want to raise my son in general.

Like my home is a really calm environment for DS, I’ve made sure of it, there’s no tempers or swearing or raised voices. But whenever my mum FaceTimes DS her dogs are going mental in the background and she’ll be screaming “shut up! Shut up you idiots!” I don’t want him thinking shouting and language like that is a normal part of family life, and also because she’s on FaceTime it’s like she’s shouting at him.

She’s also super possessive and calls him “my boy” and things like that. Sometimes when my mum and dad come it’s like they think they’re the parents and I’m just a big sister or something.

These are the negatives, obviously there are positives too, but I feel outweighed by the bad things at the minute. I am just not very good at standing up to her and I never know when I’m being over-sensitive.

Imagine him starting school and repeating what she says! ‘Mummy pushed me over’, ‘Mummy made me fall over’ etc. Either call her out on it or limit contact.

If she won't stop after you ask get to I would fight fire with fire
"Ooo did mummy push you over? She did! I saw her!"

"No I didn't. Did I dc. Silly grandma is a bit doddery and confused. She can't see straight can she. Poooor grandma. We're going to have to put her into a home" pull fake sad face.

My mums done this too... the only way she's learned is when I flipped it on her... soon shut her up

She's planting false memories in him and he will grow up believing you're abusing him.

Put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY.

I too would find this extremely irritating! My MIL did the same when my dc were small. Constantly having digs at me by talking baby talk to the kids

• "ah is your mummy starving you? Tell her you want a bottle" (breastfed)
• "oh I know, your so hungry.. tell mummy you want some proper food" (3 months old)

Lots of similar digs like that. Really pissed me off. DH pulled her up on it & she took great offence. Stopped over time, but just moved onto other equally annoying comments. Telling the kids in front of me "don't tell mummy what we did today, it's our secret & mummy's not allowed find out" (about stupid shit like giving them ice-cream.) Literally laughed in my face when I said how important it was that children aren't told to keep secrets cas of abuse etc.. keeping secrets can become normal. Lots of other annoying things over the years, so very low contact here. Always the same reply "it did us no harm".

She sounds utterly foul. Could you limit contact? (I get why no contact would be difficult)

I can't believe some people are suggesting no contact over this! How silly!

OP I don't think you mention actually asking your mum to stop? Just say to her 'I know you're only joking around but now DS is getting older we have to start thinking about what he's hearing and that I'm his safe place and wouldn't hurt him, also imagine if he repeated it at nursery!' In a light hearted manner, no need for a big serious chat unless she carries on.
I'd also stop the 'naughty mummy, smack her bum' right away imagine if he picks that up.

If she does it again then be more stern and if she does it again then I'd be asking her to leave if she can't respect your wishes.
You've let this turn into a habit which isn't ideal, any behaviour that annoys you in the future nip it in the bud straight away. I've got friends who Darent say boo to the grandparents because they 'babysit for free'. It's ok to set boundaries, if you don't set them clearly it's harder to push back when they are broken

She actually called you a bitch to your son? That's disgusting.

In short she is trying to exclude you from the relationship. You are getting in the way!!