AIBU to be upset by my mum’s “jokes”?

[Thunderbird7]

I have a DS who is 15 months old. He understands a lot more than he can say, so obviously it’s hard to know exactly what he understands.

My mum keeps “joke” blaming me whenever DS is sad or gets hurt and not only is it upsetting me because I’m quite sensitive but I’m worried he understands and is going to grow up blaming me every time something bad happens to him too.

So for example, yesterday I was stood filling in a form with my back turned and he came to hug but he ran into my legs a bit too hard and flopped onto his bum. He didn’t hurt himself or anything, he was just giggling and it was all part of the fun for him. But my mum started saying as a ‘joke’, “Oh no did mummy push you over? I saw her! I saw her!”

Or if I have to wipe his bogies or something, which he hates, while he’s complaining she will say things like “What’s mummy doing to you? Is she torturing you? What a bully!”

Another time he fell over on the other side of the room after I warned him not to do something and she said “Mummy didn’t catch you, did she? Naughty mummy! Smack mummy’s bum!”

She does it ALL the time. Nobody ever laughs, she’s the only person who enjoys the joke, I just find it really upsetting to even think that I would ever hurt him, and I’m scared he’ll grow up thinking everything I do is malicious or every time he bumps that I did it somehow. Or even that he grows up thinking when something bad happens it’s natural to find someone to blame.

AIBU to be getting so upset about it?

She sounds bloody awful OP

Go LC / NC

This 100 per cent. It’s narcissistic behaviour and she is jealous of you. I had this for years being introduced to my mothers “friends” as l was her “mistake”.

so,after many years of upset and soul searching l went NC. My MH improved instantly. She needs to learn that she can’t say things like that. Good luck 🤞

It never occurred to me she might be jealous. She does love my DS and gets offended when he wants to come to me instead of her.

This sounds awful. I have had similar commentary from my mum. I particularly dislike references to smacking for being naughty, even if it's just a joke and aimed at the parent not the child. That's not what happens when we're "naughty" anymore.

Sorry you went through that too. My mother also never failed to tell me that I was a mistake and I always felt guilty just for being alive. Like I owed her a debt I could never pay off.

I felt instantly liberated once I went NC. It was as if I'd been given a new identity. Glad you're doing OK now cruise.

Oh my life what a load of rubbish. All of my family would say “oh did mommy pinch you?!” “Did aunty…pinch you” if a baby started to cry while they were being held. It’s clearly a joke as if she thought that was actually happening wouldn’t make the comment in such a way! I think it’s a generational thing as my parents and aunts and uncles would do it, but it’s not something I or my sisters/friends would say. It’s clearly trying to make light of a situation where a child is crying. FFS.

I think if its once here and there I could let it go but definitely not all the time. My nephew once fell over right next to me and BIL said 'oh did auntie push you over, naughty auntie'. I just laughed, it didnt bother me because I understand some people joke like that, its a joke as old as time. But if my own mum used it to keep undermining me I definitely wouldnt let it continue. If shes doing it so often then there's likely an ulterior motive. Id agree that it sounds like jealousy, she wants your DC to feel like she is the safe place in the room and not you. Speak to her right away next time it happens and cut it out now before DC starts repeating it.

Sounds like my mil who I can’t stand the sight of now. Sorry to hear it :(

Omg she sounds sooooo annoying.
How do you tolerate her for long period.

I mean you can be like.me and just get it out there and say that's not cool, chill out with such "jokes" not appropriate.

I wouldn't be worried it 15 months but around 18/20months it might cause issues. Repeating things etc.

Time to tell your mom she needs to stop with that stuff and if she does it again, she will not be allowed to visit your child. She is vicious and will surely taint your child's opinion of you. I hope you don't need her for child care.

You are the mom, FGS! Your mother sounds awful and mentally unwell.

I called this one completely wrong! Assumed the op would be told she was being way too sensitive. Instead we have the mum being called dense, stupid, narcissistic and calls for low contact.

You have to just laugh at mumsnet sometimes.

This is not a joke or funny in any way. This is bullying, child abuse and malicious behaviour on her part. This can damage your child and as you said he might grow up to mistrust you. I would out right tell her to stop it's not funny. If she carries on she shouldn't be around the child. Goodness knows what she is saying yo him out of your earshot

OP the comment about money in front of family when you were struggling shows you all you need to know: she doesn't have your back. I do think she may be a narcissist, as that's sheer nastiness. I could never treat my DC like this (2 older teens amongst them- who make their mistakes & I'm there to pick up the pieces/ love them/ guide them/ help them, as well as celebrate all the good they do.)

I was so lucky to have the most wonderful mam in the world, who would now be a lot older than your mother- so it's definitely not, as PP suggest, generational: you get arseholes in every generation.

She called you a bitch?!

OP your mother sounds really annoying and actually pretty nasty with the comment about money. It's horrible to keep putting you down. She's supposed to be supporting you and have your back.

The odd occasion is a (rubbish) joke but to to it constantly needs stopping.

I think all her self-esteem comes from putting other people down and making it seem like she’s the only competent one.

Don’t waste a single minute more of your life trying to make sense of your mum and her actions. She’s a spiteful narcissist.

My mum was a bit like this- she wanted my DS to prefer her to me, insisted she'd had the first smile, heard the first word and it was Nana.

Your mum has really overstepped with her 'bad mummy' comments and you need to call her out and cut down the time you spend with her.

Just tell her to shut up, and have a row. Repeat until she stops or you get tired of her and chuck her out. She’s being horrible @Thunderbird7 you don’t have to put up with it..

She sounds jealous of you and is being passive aggressive towards you to make herself feel better. I think you need to spend less time with her but explain to her that it's unacceptable.

She's trying to alienate DS so that he does start to feel that you're doing these things on purpose, and then she hopes to sail in and be the preferred 'parent'.

I don't think this is something DS should be exposed to, and do you really want him to be exposed to someone who behaves this way? Who makes herself the centre of attention by belittling others? It's fine to distance yourself, and if you do it's also fine to remember (and to tell her if necessary) that it's her behaviour that's caused it. I find her behaviour at best nasty and at worst sinister.

My mum does the same! Not just 'jokes' but she puts me down constantly in front of my child. I absolutely hate it. I pointed it out to her and she got very defensive. To be honest, I've limited the time my child spends with her as I don't want them listening to the way she speaks to me and about me. However, she has offered to help with childcare (which is a little unaffordable for us) so now I am wondering what to do.

My DM did the same when my twins were born, constant jokes and digs about how I was doing everything wrong and they obviously preferred her. It’s one of the many reason I’m low contact with her now - I realised that I’d been the butt of her jokes for my whole life, always about how incompetent I am and what an inconvenience my existence is to her. it wasn’t until I had my own kids that I realised her behaviour wasn’t ok.

Talking to her didn’t help, she’d either laugh and tell me to get a sense of humour, or play the victim and get upset about how she “can’t say anything right”. So now we don’t really talk.

OP, I noticed in your opening post you said you’re “quite sensitive”. I’d put money on it that you’re not, and this is just what your mum’s always told you, to manipulate you into accepting her shitty behaviour.

She does love my DS and gets offended when he wants to come to me instead of her.

Jesus. Awful woman.

It's normal for a child to come to his mum (or dad) if upset.

I'd be going low contact. Your son will be damaged by this weird woman if you don't.

She's undermining you as a parent and at some point your child will become aware of it. How are you supposed to be the parental figure if you are being told it's your fault and you need a smack. It's also very passive aggressive talking through a child. My ex mil use to do it it drove me mad. I felt like it was jealousy, competing for dd affection.

I'd nip it in bud, point out she's doing it and tell her it needs to stop as she's undermining you. Tell her every time she does it.