To think I'm unemployable now?

[sueey]

80s kid grew up with something wrong with me but it wasn't picked up or it was just seen as not very bright.
Was on a reduced timetable at school because I couldn't learn anything and left school with no GCSE's.
Tried many times to do my GCSE's since and failed every time.
Tried various courses and failed them all.
I have never been able to keep a job and although I was offered jobs, I was never able to learn the job so was always let go within a week or two.

I can't drive because I get lost all the time unless I'm in my local area and somewhere I've been millions of times, I can't find my way, get confused with directions and couldn't work out how to get a bus for example on my own so unless I'm with my mum or husband who drive I just don't go out.
I've never had a friend, I'm introvert, socially awkward and full of anxiety, I just struggle with everything, can't follow instructions or even a conversation.
I am married, my husband supports me financially and so do my parents, we'd be better off if I worked but dh says the pressure of the job centre was making me ill so he supports us.
I have been unemployed since I left school so dh supported me since we got married, I'm 41 now.

I feel scared because one day my parents won't be here anymore they're nearly 80 and all I'll have is my husband and if he wasn't there I'd struggle, I couldn't work out bills and things, we do have social housing but it's a joint tenancy so if we split up I'd probably be homeless, unless he moved out which I don't think he would.
He's a nice man so I don't think we'd split but I do worry about being so dependent on him.

I know I need to get a job and a pension but I never keep jobs, I worked in a restaurant and couldn't learn the till so after a few weeks of showing me they let me go, I worked in an office but I couldn't learn the computer system so was let go, I worked in a factory but couldn't pick it up so they let me go, my parents say I'm just not employable.
Is there any hope, would anyone give me a chance and the patience I need?
I think I have a maths problem because that's just a different language to me, no matter how hard I try I can't make head or tail of anything mathematical, I also struggle with comprehending and remembering things, sometimes when I'm shown things I just can't absorb it, it's instantly gone and if someone tells me their name I say it over and over in my head for a few minutes but as soon as someone speaks, it's gone and as I don't recognise faces either I have no ideas who I was just talking to.
I have dc, I love being a mum, my everyday struggles don't seem to affect my parenting, I'm not great with housework but I get by and dh helps out. I'm lucky to have him, I know but I don't know where to go from here.

You need to flip your thinking here OP and focus on what you can do, not what you can't.

You can build and sustain interpersonal relationship as you met and married your husband and you remain close with your parents.

You can run a household and care for children with the various skills needed for that.

You are able to communicate clearly and concisely in writing, explaining yourself well and with a good grasp of literacy.

These things are all valuable and can be monetised. Your confidence though is rock bottom because you've tried some things that didn't work and you're focusing on those as defining you.

So you need to build up. I'd suggest your first step is to volunteer. Most places have a volunteering council that keeps details of all sorts of opportunities. Many people have no idea of the sort of things you can volunteer for and there's bound to be something to suit.

You'll meet new people and get a taste of a work environment in a softer way than you would in the jobs you've tried, which unfortunately were the type where there is little emphasis on nurturing and support, and can be quite harsh with mistakes.

OP, you need to understand that you are very far from simple or stupid for numerous reasons - you article yourself well, have a very good understanding of your position, are a competent mum etc.

It just seems like there is some processing ability that is making your life more difficult than it needs to be. I'm not going to guess your diagnosis as it coukd be a nunberbof things. It's such a pity that school and your parents didn't investigate it sooner.

A friend's sister was in a very similar situation to you but it all came to a head during Covid19. She got a diagnosis and support and it has changed her life. She still struggles with certain things but has a real understanding of how she can manage them. She now works full time in a garden centre and loves it.

Push for a diagnosis.

Can’t add anything to all the suggestions here - but goodness, @sueey - you write really well.

I think you should do more of that, whatever else transpires.

@Skinhorse since you quoted me directly, all you need to do is search my name and you will find that I have a diagnosis of ASD, dyspraxia, dyslexia and also low self esteem, along with depression. I also work full time as a palliative care nurse, have done so for 10yrs(!) and raise my two children with no family support.
Self believe is a massive thing and I for one do not believe it is at all useful to focus on things that you cannot do all of the time and I believe the OPs supporters are not helping her by enabling a cycle of "no, you can't do that" instead of "let's find a way you can do that"
So with respect, I have nothing to learn here, I've already walked a journey.

Op as others have pointed out, you write very well, just wondered are you creative - is that an area you can develop?

You sound a lot like my sister-in-law, except that she's also very very dyslexic so struggles to write a text message, let alone a long articulate explanation like you have. She thinks she's thick but she really isn't. She's a carer, been there for years and really good at it. Her colleagues help her out with the paperwork and she's brilliant with the people. Might that work for you?

@sueey how are you getting on my love? x

How are things going?

You don’t need qualified for all childcare jobs. A playworker can sometimes be unqualified. My friend works in an after school club and a morning playgroup and isn’t qualified. Childcare settings are apparently crying out for staff and will take so many unqualified as long as they pass a police check x

Hi OP..i think you have severe anxiety too.. which impacts memory etc. ring talking therapies and refer yourself for mental health support. I dont know your disability but have you claimed PIP? X

As a business owner, I'd choose you any day over some of the people out there.

I respect someone who 'cannot', but tries, infinitely more over someone who 'can' but is lazy.

Maybe the key is simply to apply for jobs with very clear direction without much 'complication'... something you can lose yourself in. Stacking shelves, groundskeeping, cleaning...

Being a childminder involves a lot of skills that OP seems lacking at the moment - you need to be confident getting around / liasing with all kinds of people / doing a lot of paperwork / understanding policies and procedures / and being tech savvy.

I’d say nursery assistant is the best option as OP can spend her time caring for and interacting with the childen and will never be on her own.

OP you could also try a part time midday supervisor for nursery and reception at a primary school - typically you would set up the tables for lunch, supervise the lunch hall (with the TAs and then play in the playground with the kids) - that would give you skills and build your confidence. The pay wouldn’t be great but it is a start.

BTW - I’ve been all the above.

I think you are focussing a lot on the things you can't do (and it does sound like maybe some cognitive/learning needs should have been diagnosed).

But in terms of jobs - start by listing the things you can do.

You obviously can read and write - you have expressed yourself clearly on this thread.

How are you on domestic or caring tasks?
Cleaning, ironing, dog walking, baby sitting, care work etc?

Some schools will hire TAs with no academic qualifications at all.

Don't be put off by the financial side of self employment. An easy way to manage that is to have a separate bank account for money earned and spent on it, then its not complicated for an accountant to do your tax return for it.

I think you need to get an assessment and then be very open with employers.

There are jobs that you could do, even if just a few hours hear and there and not permanent, what about cleaner or babysitter? It is a start and will give you more confidence.

I think that your mum or husband driving you everywhere is a mistake as the longer you don't do anything, the bigger the issue. You need to grow your confidence with that, it is something basic and probably needed for a job. What about taking the bus and getting off after 4-5 stops (so you are not too far from home and the surroundings are still somewhat not too different? and increase it everyday?

@sueey I'm also going to say how well you write.
It's a bit mean of your Mum to call you simple , you clearly just have some issues though.

Do you take your children to school ? Any jobs there ? Lunchtime supervisor maybe.

Good luck.

Unless your husband wrote this you can learn and do things. you have written clearly and well on a forum you've had to learn. obviously there are things you struggle with and need support with and others have given things to look at about why that might be..

I don't know if this is just Scotland but our council has a team dedicated to helping people like yourselves with work skills.

I'm sure, with the right support to get the qualifications, you could work in childcare. You might find local authority nurseries would be more supportive than a private one.

I really agree with this. Your writing and use of English is impressive OP.

You have learned so many things so far, such as IT skills, child care (your own) etc. seems to me it's your ability to be assessed in the skill that's askew, not your ability to learn it.

Once you have your assessment, it you do have ADHD inattentive type, you would be entitled to reasonable adjustments in exams, assessments, and work.

You're clearly intelligent, so once the neurodivergence is accounted for, you should be fine.

In the meantime, learn as much as you can about self help for neurodivergence; tips and tricks kind of thing. And I would recommend some volunteering. Just a couple of hours a week to start. It could be in a charity shop, but it could be listening to children read in school. This will help you to build your confidence and learn some work skills too.

Good luck!

I’d bet my house on you having autism and/or adhd. I have both and could have written this myself. Like you, i’m articulate and write well, come across well. This then leaves work shocked and annoyed when I ask lots of questions and take ages to learn processes, or get anxious about travelling between offices because I get lost. It’s better now I’m on adhd meds, but I still need everything in writing or I forget it immediately, and i definitely come across as ‘weird’ to people if they spend too long in my company 😂

I second the idea of a private diagnosis - or go back to your GP and ask to be referred to a private adhd service via the Right to Choose pathway. I was seen in 12 weeks and it’s been life changing.

Apply for PIP, and maybe try some free online courses with the Open University to build up your learning confidence a bit in a pressure-free way. If you’ve always found formal education a struggle, it’s nice to learn just for fun without the need to pass exams etc. You’re clearly intelligent, you’re just navigating a world that’s not built for people like us. Don’t be so hard on yourself 💐

I've only read the original post and no further comments so apologies if this has been covered but sounds like possible ADHD to me. I have it and you sound very similar in terms of recognising faces, unable to study anything or retain info, pick up new systems etc and your history or failing at school and all jobs.
It's tough but I think once you get a diagnosis (of whatever it is) it will help you find ways to cope and could even start possible medication (to improve focus and symptoms) and also not feel so bad about your situation as it's completely not your fault. That in itself is a game changer.

Pre-DC I worked in a big office and one of the senior staff had a number of issues. She was terrible with figures (so her assistant used to handle all that side of things) and had really bad spatial awareness. We used to find her wandering around corridors and have to lead her back to her office. Once she got really disoriented in the loos and they had to unscrew the cubicle door. It seemed totally bonkers to me. But she managed to hold down a pretty high-powered job involving long, detailed contracts.

You write so well. I’m sure you can find a way forward.