My Autistic DS never gets invited to birthday parties

[Coffeeandtv86]

Left my DS aged 6 crying as he went into his classroom this morning and I cried for him on the walk home.

He is upset because his classmates were all excited and chatty over the 3 birthday parties they had/attended over the weekend and he wasn't invited to any of them!
My heart breaks for him cos he feels so left out.
Is this partly my fault for putting him in a mainstream school? Should I expect this level of exclusion?
He is attending a special school for his ASD after the summer holidays as with his GDD he is a little behind.
He greets all of his classmates lovely in the mornings and they always say hello back to him and give him hugs. (With my permission when DS was absent one day the teacher explained to the class about DS with a book about ASD. Children are getting to the age where they notice DS is different to the rest of them. He is verbal but still very baby like in a lot of his ways)
Sorry if this is all over the place. I have autism too and I guess my emotions are a bit all over the place this morning.
I just hate the feeling that amongst the parents he is obviously just too much trouble to be to attend parties.

Are you saying that, to your knowledge, there were three whole-class parties on the same weekend, and he was the only child excluded from all?

I'm so sorry about this. It must be so difficult x
Does your son act out a lot? There was a boy with ADHD in one of my kids' classes who often had meltdowns and couldn't cope at all with the concept of it being another child's special day. It was absolutely not his fault and I really felt for him, but it was very difficult to manage him at birthday parties, he'd scream during pass the parcel and over children singing happy birthday etc. I still invited him to mine but I understood why other parents didn't- They felt they just couldn't manage him (even though his mother stayed for parties.)

None of this makes it easier for you though. It must be so hard to see him so downhearted.

That’s awful, I’m sorry.

Were the parties everyone but DS, or just a handful of kids each time? Appreciate you may not know this.

If it was everyone but DS that’s not ok and I would consider having a word with the teacher about a message to parents.

Have you had a party for him where the others were invited? Do you know for definite that he was the ONLY one not attending? Or just the few kids you saw this morning at drop off. Is there something about his behaviours that would make it difficult to have him in a large group social situation?
If you are right then it is, of course, very sad and a bit shit. Hopefully the move to a new school will bring a new tribe that work better for him.

Is there a class WhatsApp group? I would put something on there if so. Along the lines of 'DS is feeling sad today because of the talk about birthday parties. Of course we don't expect an invite but I wonder if parents might feel able to discuss how to can be mindful of children who aren't invited when children are discussing parties they have attended.'This will raise awareness and might encourage some parents to be more inclusive in future.

Ah, that's really hard for you both.
I'm going to start with a less comfortable response - no one has any obligation to invite anyone to a kids party and this lack of invites is a frequent lament for parents across the board. It's mean and petty to have class parties and exclude one or two children, but perfectly reasonable for inviting only friends to smaller parties. Kids will generally choose who they want to come.
I remember doing a few all class parties and there were some children who were tricky to manage, but I made sure I had extra people on hand to help, but they didn't tend to get invited once we switched to small parties. Because my DD wasn't actually friends with them, not because it was too much trouble.
But I think kids can be a really mixed bunch around inclusion - some kids are very natural and make friends easily, but children can also take slights or dislikes over trivial incidents - my DD held a grudge forever against one girl in nursery who hurt her one day!
Have you held any social events or playdates where you invite other children?

Are you close to any of the parents? Enough to say - he would love to come to any parties , however, I will 100% be there in case it gets too much for him.

Its horrible for you and your Dc but having a party is stressful enough and as much as it’s wrong the other parents didn’t invite him as it’s “easier” not to… do you think that is what has happened?

I am so sorry this happened to your son. You are doing the right thing in moving school as he will probably be included in more such events. To my shame, I left my son in mainstream school for years and he was always left out of whole class invitations. When he was in Yr 5 and noticed his younger sister being invited to parties and playdates etc, he said to me, ' Only girls get invited to things.' It broke my heart.
Does he join any special groups? They often do things over the weekends and can be quite fun like having a music session with DJs, going to activity centres etc. That way he can feel he is doing something exciting/fun too.

That's right. He wasn't invited to any of them .

Don't do this.

I am so sorry that both you and your son are feeling upset, I would too. As other posters have said, it could be that there were smaller parties and other kids didn't get invited too. However, if they were all class parties and he was excluded, that is cruel.

Parents need to teach inclusivity to their kids. If parents are staying, the parents will keep an eye on their own kid. Or the host could ask the parent to stay and help. But kids with any additional needs should be invited. Don't we all want our kids to show empathy and kindness?

You are moving to a new school. You will most certainly find your tribe there because everyone will be in the same position and it will feel like a completely different world. A good, kind, understanding world where parents celebrate other children.

Is there a chance dc could move to special school sooner?

Were all the class invited to all of them?

Would your child have been able to manage a busy and noisy environment?

It’s very hard for parents and children to deal with rejection and you and he must be upset. I hope he will find compatible friendships when he moves to a new school. In an ideal world, there would be inclusivity and you have taken steps to encourage classmates to understand your boy. It’s disappointing that they haven’t included him though.

But do you know for sure he was the only one not invited?

Sorry you’re feeling so low 💐

Has he had his birthday yet and a party if so? Do you see any of the kids out of school? Does he say he’s friends with any of the kids who’ve had parties?

I think it's very unlikely there were three class parties and he was the only one excluded from all of them, unless there is a list which for some reason your dc is the only one not on.

I've had 3 dc go through school.
Dd1 seemed to get invited to everyone's party. Boys, girls, smaller, huge, even ones in the other forms. When parties started getting smaller, they reduced down to just her 2 best friends, and occasional others.

Dd2 hardly got invited to any in year R. I can remember one time her saying everyone was invited except her, and, as she had tendency to exaggerate, I took it with a pinch of salt until I saw the mum with a list, ticking off replies, and yes, dd2 was correct, she was one of two not invited.
At the start of year 1, one of the parents came to me and apologised. What had happened was she had a very similar name to her best friend (think Emily/Emma) and the form had just called them both by her best friend's name. Her dd had given the invitation to dd2, who had said that wasn't for her and given it to her best friend. Then someone else overheard and said "that explains why dd2 hadn't come to their party and her best friend (who they hadn't been expecting) had"! She'd been thinking how rude we both were. 🤣 They obviously spread the word and I had a number of apologies for leaving her out, albeit accidentally.
So we made an effort of making sure everyone knew her name and she got a fair number of invitations, although not as many as dd1.
But also when parties started getting smaller, dd2's number didn't reduce at all, because she had a larger group of friends, rather than 2 best friends.

Ds is autistic (although we didn't know until later) and actually he didn't enjoy parties after the first half hour because he'd become overwhelmed, so I used to pick parties that I knew the parents would understand, and let them know I'd be bringing him a bit late, and that I'd stay to remove him so he could calm down if necessary. Any I didn't feel I knew the parents well enough we refused. He didn't get many invites though.
However ds is now 16yo, and gets far more invites than the girls did at that age. I don't think their groups did parties at all at secondary. Ds has more than he ever did. Although they arrange it among themselves and don't give presents normally, and are rather liable to turn up and rather than say "happy birthday" give an insult... but they seem to be happy.

Op I’m sorry, this happened to dd2 once and I was heartbroken.

i spoke to the teacher to mention that dd2 and one other child hadn’t been invited to keep an eye out for them if every child in the class started talking about the party and to possibly change the conversation.

Ah bless him, it's horrible when your child is excluded. Were they definitely whole class parties? Do you know any of the other parents? I'm not minimising the fact that sadly it could well be that he's excluded because he has autism, but also often with parties at that age its about who the parents know as well unless it genuinely is a whole class party- it'd be sad if the teacher handed out invites for these and not for 1 child.

It's natural to feel sad, I've cried many times over DS being excluded from things etc, sounds like he has a wonderful caring mum and I hope things will be better in his new setting

This was me with my DS at that age. It is absolutely heartbreaking. It doesn't matter if all 3 parties, weren't full class ones, it's still OK to be hurt if he never gets invited to any at all. We threw parties for DS and invited the whole class, they all came and it got him a few return invites.
Special school will be better, it was for my DS. It was wonderful. The only thing is that there tends to be a lot less parties. So in the 4 years of special primary school, there was only one party and the 5 years of special high school there was none. We had a couple of parties for DS though. But, he had such a good time in his special school. It was life changing for him and us. So hang in there, because life will get better once your DS moves school. You'll get lots of positive feedback and your DS will be really happy. The sadness and anxiety you feel with him being in mainstream will be gone 💐

This happened to DS a few times.

One time the child told DS that his mum forgot the invite, I heard the child asking his mum and she said she’d bring it another time and never did.
Another time DS and one other child weren’t invited to a whole class party. Our children were all friends, the mum posted lots of photos of the party on Facebook.

I found it came from the parents not wanting an autistic child at the party rather than the classmates. DS didn’t have any behavioural difficulties at school so it’s not like he would have been difficult to manage had they invited him.

Thank you for all your replies. From what I understand most of the class did attend all 3 parties, a mum I am close to attended all 3 with her DD.
In the past DS has had some behavioural challenges. He can shout and scream when he is overwhelmed but nothing too terrible that has involved his classmates. Or hurt anyone.
He has been at this school since he was 3 , he attended the nursery which is part of the school and he is now in yr 2 and he has been to 2 birthday parties which were children from a different class.
Both of these were soft play and though he didn't interact with the others much. ( He just navigated the soft play by himself) he had a wonderful time with no incidents. The only reason we left early was the children had finished soft play to go to a different function room to eat and DS is extremely picky with what he eats. He has many food adversions due to his ASD and wanted to eat at home.
I am not completely unreasonable that I think DS has to be invited to every single party. I of course know it doesn't work like that.
A lot of the parents are very friendly and have formed small groups. I am not completely unapproachable (at least I hope not 😂) but I do struggle with social interaction and feel like a freak because I struggle with conversation or say awkward things so I tend to keep to myself, so maybe I am partly responsible, I don't know.

Inviting most of the class is just nasty.

The parents should be ashamed of themselves.

All I can say is that it will build resilience Op and that most likely it won’t always be this way.

Does he have any friends?

You've not answered PPs asking whether you've hosted a party yourself?

At that sort of age, yes - the invite list should be driven by who the birthday child wants there, but friendships change too quickly to rely on that alone, and if someone had invited my child to their party I'd make a point of reciprocating.

That her daughter went to all three parties, does not mean that the whole class went to lol three parties. She might just be very popular or it was simply three parties within her group of friends. If you don’t talk to many people¡ you might not really be getting the whole picture.

Anyway, please try to minimise it, don’t show your son that you are upset (I am not saying that you do this, just advising against it). Some people take longer to build friendships and that is ok.

I'm afraid it's something you have to get used to. The only parties DS was invited to for the whole of his primary days were DD's parties.
And, yes, it was hard to deal with especially as DD was invited to almost every party - 11 in her first year.

Hi OP

We are currently in the same situation with my almost 5 year old (still at nursery as Scotland) it does break my heart more than anything else in the world.
Something that i think had helped a lot is to form friendships with some Mums, which i know is difficult as a neurodiverse person yourself. I have found that chatting to some of the mums means that DS is much more likely to get invited to some of the parties.
I dont think anybody gets how hard this is unless you have been in this situation.