My Autistic DS never gets invited to birthday parties

[Coffeeandtv86]

Left my DS aged 6 crying as he went into his classroom this morning and I cried for him on the walk home.

He is upset because his classmates were all excited and chatty over the 3 birthday parties they had/attended over the weekend and he wasn't invited to any of them!
My heart breaks for him cos he feels so left out.
Is this partly my fault for putting him in a mainstream school? Should I expect this level of exclusion?
He is attending a special school for his ASD after the summer holidays as with his GDD he is a little behind.
He greets all of his classmates lovely in the mornings and they always say hello back to him and give him hugs. (With my permission when DS was absent one day the teacher explained to the class about DS with a book about ASD. Children are getting to the age where they notice DS is different to the rest of them. He is verbal but still very baby like in a lot of his ways)
Sorry if this is all over the place. I have autism too and I guess my emotions are a bit all over the place this morning.
I just hate the feeling that amongst the parents he is obviously just too much trouble to be to attend parties.

I think it's very unlikely there were three class parties and he was the only one excluded from all of them

I agree. I don't believe three separate families went to the trouble of arranging whole class parties, and then went to the further trouble of setting up WhatsApp groups to which they added everyone except the OP to invite people and confirm details. Much more likely some children were invited to these parties and some not, at this age. A child getting over excited at a 6 year Old's birthday party would barely be noticeable, and not worth the effort to avoid.

No it isn’t! Lots of venues can’t accommodate a whole class of 30, and even if they could, lots of parents can’t afford to invite the whole class. My DDs had 1 party for the whole class when they were in reception, then after that they had outings with a smaller group - because that’s all we could afford.

That's awful I'm so sorry.
Have Grandsons with ASD . They did get invited.. but wouldn't go after first one.. was too overwhelming for them.

I didn’t say it’s wrong to have a smaller group did I?

It’s wrong to invite most of the class but leave out 2 or 3 kids.

He can shout and scream when he is overwhelmed but nothing too terrible that has involved his classmates. Or hurt anyone

I hate to say it, but I bet that's part of the reason why.

My DD used to get invited to a lot of birthday parties, then around 2 years ago she started having meltdowns like your DS in class. She doesnt get invited to any any more.

Children are still friendly with her, lots approach her and say hello ect when we are walking to school, but she doesnt get invited to places anymore

I can only put it down to her behaviour, either the kids have been put off by it or the parents have 🤷‍♀️

Birthday invites for my autistic son were rare in primary, and I deeply appreciated every single one he got, and made sure to send a nice present each time. He's in secondary now and is more included because he has fallen in with a group of other ND teens who appreciate each other. It may take some time but your son will find people he can relate to.

Having said that, my younger child had an autistic child with LD and higher support needs in class and the vast majority of parents made damn certain that child was included in as many birthday parties as possible. From around Y2-Y3 the parties became less all-class and more, all-girls/all-boys, but that child was still included where applicable. IMO it's mostly down to the parents. Sometimes it can be reciprocal too, i.e. if you have never thrown a birthday party for your son, some people can be funny and leave him off. Maybe wrongly assuming that he has too many support needs to enjoy a party? In any case I know the heartbreak and I hope you both feel, and are, included more in the future.

The parent who told me who was at the parties attended herself...with her DD. I am going on the information I was told.
I knew there was parties taking place weeks ago and wasn't that bothered until I found TODAY that Ds wasn't invited. She is the one parent I do converse with and she never mentioned the parties until today. On Friday I asked if she were up to much at the weekend and I was told "No, nothing"

And yes. Each and every bday of my DS he has a party at home. BBQ, paddling pool, bouncy castle etc. As his bday during the summer. I have always been sure to invite all his class. He always had a good turn out for them.

It could be one of many things, your name may not be on the party invitation list. They genuinely think you son didn't enjoy the party he was at, they are going on their childrens possible reaction to your child's meltdowns. If you are able to ask the friendly mum.

I’d also check with the school that the teacher isn’t handing out invites to these parties as the whole class is not invited.

It would be very very odd for there to be three full class parties on one weekend.

Odder that you would be excluded from all three.

Curious that your friend didn’t tell you till after the fact despite the fact you guys discussed weekend plans.

also strange that there was no chatter among the children before these three huge parties for your child to of picked up on before the weekend.

I would have guess one whole class with a jack ass parent and two smaller but maybe still even 15 ish children so it looks full but it isn’t.

Unless the leaving early to the parties he went too made it look like you didn’t actually care or want to be there so chatter happened and now no invites.

No advice but wanted to say I understand your pain. It is so hard. My asd DS who is 9 and is in mainstream school has never been to a school party in his life. I'm dreading secondary school for many reasons, but at least the whole class (minus asd child) parties stop then. Take care OP and give your LO a big hug