Realising how things weren’t normal for me growing up

[Jasminecandle]

I have a real issue with food now as an adult. I am overweight and I eat too much of the wrong things. I also use food as a comfort.

When growing up we weren’t allowed to help ourselves to food. I was so so skinny as a child and teenager and I don’t think it was particularly healthy.
My parents would feed us three meals a day, but usually quite small portions for me, even as a growing teen.
I remember being hungry in the evenings as we used to eat our dinner about 5/5:30pm. Of course I was growing, but I can’t even imagine helping myself to a piece of toast before bed. So when I became an adult and moved out, I was shocked that people I knew including partners would eat whenever they liked.

Even now, as an adult if I go to my parent’s house I don’t ever help myself to food without asking … I bring my own food and keep it in the bedroom where I’m staying instead.

I even remember my Nan trying to feed me extra of her homemade cakes to put some meat on me as a teenager, but my mum would insist I only had 2 of these small homemade cakes, no more as I need to stay slim.

AIBU to believe my parents controlling attitude with food has lead to my issue with food and my weight as an adult?

It sounds overly controlling and that there was an unhealthy focus on food. I had 3 meals a day growing up but would be given a healthy snack if hungry in between. You can keep your child full and healthy without making them fat, sounds like your parents went a little too far

No, you're not correct to think that. There is nothing in your parents' behaviour that was beyond the reach of their duty as parents; indeed it sounds as though they'd recognised a propensity in you for over eating.
Only you can take the action necessary to address your over eating. Looking for excuses to continue your bad habits, ie looking for something or someone to 'blame', won't help, it'll only hinder.

I was a teenager in the 70s and that sounds normal. I wasn't fat until after I'd turned about 40, and I'm the only one to blame for that

We had this (though we were overweight & not taken to doctors) & we didn't have grandparents bringing round cake or trying to feed us so it sounds about 50%/50% on the normalcy sort of scale in my head

I grew up in the 60s and 70s
3 meals no snacks apart from the occasional apple or orange were the norm
We had a single packet of crisps each on a Friday night as our treat and sometimes got sweets from grandparents if we saw them at the weekend
Portion sizes were quite small as meat cheese etc were really expensive - we filled up on potatoes and bread

I can relate OP. My parents were by no means short of money but portions were and are still tiny. I remember a big can of soup watered down going four ways for dinner and frequently being hungry. No idea why. Maybe post war thrift. Nothing is wasted. It has translated to me a bit in that I don't eat much unless I'm ravenous but not in a way that has impacted me or my family I hope.

Op don't listen to the idiots on here who say that your upbringing was normal! That was not normal and almost certainly contributed to your weight issues! It sounds like your DM had some kind of eating disorder.

I am a similar age to you OP and we had 3 meals a day, pudding only on a Sunday and no snacks like we do now, maybe the odd biscuit or whatever. Portions were definitely much smaller than they are now too and yes my nan always gave us cake or chocolate etc. So I don’t think it was unusual for the time but I am sorry if you felt hungry as it’s not something I remember experiencing.

My parents were mainly vegetarian and cooked everything from scratch - including bread. When I left for uni I was so thrilled to be able to eat packet noodles and tangy toms (puff ball crisps)... oh and chocolate mousse in a plastic tub! But then I grew out of that as it's unhealthy and only really kinky the first time!

Yes your parents eating habits affected your eating habits - but now you are a grown up and can make big girl choices.

This, @Jasminecandle. I’m sorry you had such an arid and restrictive upbringing from parents who didn’t meet your basic emotional or most vital physical needs. I’m shocked at so many of the responses on this thread. Hugs from me.

Yes it was your parents fault.

I grew up in the 1950/1960’s. People didn’t snack between meals, at least not those I knew. Your upbringing sounds perfectly normal OP. By the way I have always been a healthy weight and never anywhere near overweight. If you’re overeating now it’s down to your own choices, your parents aren’t to blame.

No their behaviour is not normal and isabusive really. And you'd brother was getting penis portions. This control they exerted over you has definitely impacted how you eat now. Luckily we now know that it's bad to associate food with behaviour as it leads to disordered eating. What would they say if you confront them.?

We had 3 meals a day no snacking really - cos we were poor and there were six of us

My siblings and I also weren’t fed properly OP, and like you OP some adults, usually those who aren’t feeding themselves or their children properly feel entitled to gas light me about it.

Good loving parents feed their children properly, for us going to bed hungry was unfortunately normal, our largest meal of the day would be the rather school lunch at school. I regularly had too low blood sugar during the night and early morning as we weren’t fed enough or approriately.

It wasn’t until I went into care that I experienced feeling full after a meal.

Normal people don’t think severely restricting food for children is in anyway okay.

I think you should have been offered something healthy before bed if you were hungry and given more breakfast / lunch / dinner if it wasn’t enough to feel full.
However my kids now arnt allowed to help themselves to food. They ask. Food here is for everyone and it’s carefully bought and monitored by me to check there is enough for the whole family for the next day or or days. If someone drinks up all the milk or a couple of children decide to have 3 pieces of toast before bed and I haven’t enough for the morning it’s unfair on the others and stressful.
If a child says they are hungry however and turns down something relatively healthy such as a bananna, cheese / crackers etc then I know they arnt and they just want sugar which I don’t allow constantly.

Of course it’s not normal OP that you were hungry as a growing teenager and “extremely skinny.” I wouldn’t really ask about anything like food portions here because MN has a lot of competitive undereaters.

I do think it's a factor. One of my best friends had a similarly controlling mum - I never saw them eat an actual meal, all they ever had at their house was crispbreads and cottage cheese. Whenever I stayed over, I'd be starving and looking forward to going home to my mum's cooking! My friend's mum was an aerobics teacher and obsessed with thinness. My friend subsquently developed bulimia in her late teens/early 20s and since recovering from that, has gone from being extremely thin to struggling with keeping weight off. I think it's because she grew up with a disordered attitude to eating that was normalised to her.

Interesting 🧐 I wonder what a penis portion is. 🤣

I think it's really hard to say without knowing what your typical meal consisted of. What was a tiny breakfast? I was an 80's/90's kid and unhealthy snacking was really starting to come in. I remember feeling hungry a lot too but I would buy extra treats from the shop if I had any money. I think we didn't know as much about nutrition then so I'd be really hungry after a lunch of a white bread jam sandwich, Chipsticks and a Penguin bar! I'd never dream of eating that now! We'd also start the day with a bowl of Frosties or Rice Krispies which was a dead cert to make you feel shaky and hungry by 10am.

We have lost sight of what healthy portions look like and what healthy body types are. We never snacked growing up either, and don't snack now, my children have never been forbidden from asking for food/making themselves toast but to my knowledge they have never had food habitually after our evening meal either, both are slim adults.

I honestly don't think your parents did anything wrong

@Whitelily1 A penis portion is the common phrase for men getting their plates loaded up while us womenfolk get a portion fit for a tiny, delicate bird! Even when we are the same size, bigger or have higher calorific needs than that man.

@Jasminecandle and yes it's normal not to snack as teens, and normal to wait until dinner time to eat, mine are young adults now and yes they did ask if it was ok to eat food, mostly to avoid eating something I'd bought for another day. Junk between meals is the downfall of most people. Mine had plenty of food at dinners and there was always fruit

I think what stands out for me reading your OP is that you felt like your needs weren't being met, and it sounds like you're referring to your emotional needs as much as the food and hunger issues.

It's all very well other posters saying '3 meals a day is/was fine in the olden days', but what I'm sensing from your post is that you felt you weren't allowed to express your needs (be it for food or other care/ nurturing) or trust that if you did express them, they'd be met. Not being able to make decisions about what you eat and when you eat it have ramifications for learning what hunger and satiety actually feel like.

However, these things can be worked through as an adult. I'm wondering if some kind of talking therapy might help you work through these issues from childhood that are clearly still affecting you, and help you develop a sense of choice and control over what you're eating now, as well as confidence in making your own decisions.

Some harsh replies here…