To not want to see my near 90 year-old grandmother anymore?

[Arachnophobic]

Hmmmm, where do I start? Sadly she has turned into a piece of work and I’m feeling so anxious I can’t bring myself to go around there.

She picked a fight on NYE, called me a bad person and said DD (12) was ungrateful. Back story - she is not happy about the fact that me and my brother are not on good terms.

She has historically made an anti-Semitic comment about my lovely dad. She has made other racist comments in the past. She plays me and other family members off against each other. She is spiteful to her siblings when they call (she has told me what she’s said). She’s lied about being married when she wasn’t, and what hurts the most, is that I recently found out that mum and her sibling had a secret brother that I am sure she knew about but they didn’t. They have both passed now.

I feel a complete bitch but I am juggling problems at home with DS at the moment and I’m on a knife edge whenever I go round there.

I wonder if she's always needed a sounding board and you can't be that any more.

My darling mum got a lot more objectionable in her views as she got older and sadder. I agreed with any bits I could and ignored the ones I couldn't. But it certainly drained a lot of the pleasure from seeing her. I kept going because she was my mum and didn't have anyone else nearby.

What about phone calls? Would that at least mean less time and you're in your own place?

My mum would be gutted she did not know. I agree with you regarding the generational thing, but we are all very modern forward thinking people (including her) so I’m struggling to understand why she didn’t disclose it years later. We have all had open and honest relationships as a family.

She sounds like my mother!

I am NC with her. Best thing I ever did.

90? At that age if you can't say what you think when can you? Don't like it? Stay away.

I derive no real pleasure from seeing my father anymore.

It was quite obvious my mum and then step mum made him a better person than he is.

He's actually quite selfish ,thoughtless and demanding ..also nasty little racist and misogynistic opinions are now resurfacing.

No dementia, just how he is and it's a shame visiting has become much more 'duty' than 'care'.

You don't have the first idea about the circumstances of that birth. She could have been mid teens. The circumstances could have been horrendous. If your grandmother hid that away so effectively, how on earth do you think she could suddenly bring it up out of nowhere? The psychological damage could have been huge. It's very likely that that baby's fate was not under her control at all.
And who knows, it might even factor in to who she is now.

You're seeing event this from every perspective other than hers.

I thought OP meant her grandfather had a secret child. Nothing to do with grandmother?

Either way, there’s no point continuing contact with a manipulative racist. Cut yourself free

The OP is not at all clear on who is who.

We are assuming that grandma is OPs mother's mother but this is not stated

If this is the case then a secret child born "on the mothers side" would be the grandma's child so "I'm sure she knew about it" makes no sense at all. Because OF COURSE she'd know about a child she gave birth to.

We don't know how OP found out about this child nor if the grandma is aware she knows.

We don't know when grandma pretended to be married or why

We are not to know the sex of her mother's sibling for some reason (which is just annoying - just say brother or sister ffs)

So... it's impossible to judge grandma's actions or behaviour when we have no idea what the hell is actually going on.

Regardless the situation, you’re an adult you can choose who you spend time with.

However she is 90, she may not have long left, at this point can’t you just limit contact rather than go NC?

But I am all about protecting your own peace and that of your children so if it is making you anxious etc then you really have to do what’s best for you

Sorry. I didn't realise. When my nanna was showing signs of having a life changing disease I was involved in ensuring she got assessed and the right treatment.

I guess walking away is an option for some but I did it consider it

Its says about 30% of 90-94 have dementia.

@dhdbrbr if you read the op this behavior has been going on for a while, the op has said no to dementia,
suggesting dementia in the thread is irrelevant and lazy and now you are willing to shame the op with your recent post

Shame?

No I was saying I didn't think of it as an option because when it happened to us I was there. It was going on for a while and we worked thought it to find out what was for the best.

Tbh I don't actually mind shaming someone who decided am elderly relative doesn't have dementia based on them doing normal day to day activities anyway.

I suggested dementia, as well as several other posters. It's not lazy it's realistic

I despair when I see dementia being trotted out to excuse shitty behaviour by anyone over 60.

OP has known this woman her entire life. Can we assume she knows that she has always behaved like this and been unpleasant and nasty?

The OP said she has turned into a nasty piece of work. The use of 'turned' implies that she hasn't always been this way. Dementia might explain the behaviour, which of course still does not mean that OP is obliged to see her.

Which means 70% of them don’t. And as the OP has repeatedly said, her grandmother is one of the majority so it’s a moot point.

She has historically made an anti-Semitic comment about my lovely dad

She can fuck off, then.

Even with all that, it could still be the start of dementia.

And the reason to bring it into the conversation is that you may still need to stop seeing her, but you may be able to blame her less.

You can do what is best for you but in your thinking the fact that she may or not have been married and there was another child should not come in to it , as they say the past is a foreign country. Judging someone on today's standards / norms for something that may have happened 70 years ago is not right or fair

Exactly. If she was nasty about her Son-in-law historically without it being attributed to dementia, then she sure as hell can be just as horrible in her 90's without it being caused by that. My dad's mother was a nasty piece of work all her life and when she got to 80 she just said "I can say what I fucking well want and they'll just laugh along with me 'cos they'll just think I've lost my marbles.....the thick shits". Like a said a nasty piece of work.

If she's always been awful, yanbu

If she has been a loving if flawed grandmother and given you a lot of time over the years, but is now hard work - yabu, fair enough to limit contact a bit but I wouldn't just write an elderly relative off because they went a bit catty in old age

Being old is hard, yep they'll come out with blunt and unpleasant stuff sometimes but I wouldn't just abandon her!

But op implies this is a new thing?

Presumably your grandmother did not think it was her 'secret' to tell? And, as you don't seem positive of the details of what she knew/knows, I'm guessing you have not had an open and honest discussion about it. However, you don't have to spend time with her if she's rude and racist.

Certainly no one below my grandma in the family tree knew. It came out via ancestry.

Then allow your grandmother her privacy.

Fine if you have other issues with her that directly affect you, but she had and still has the right to keep aspects of her life to herself, so don't judge her on something you weren't offended to know, when you know next to nothing about the circumstances.