To not want to see my near 90 year-old grandmother anymore?

[Arachnophobic]

Hmmmm, where do I start? Sadly she has turned into a piece of work and I’m feeling so anxious I can’t bring myself to go around there.

She picked a fight on NYE, called me a bad person and said DD (12) was ungrateful. Back story - she is not happy about the fact that me and my brother are not on good terms.

She has historically made an anti-Semitic comment about my lovely dad. She has made other racist comments in the past. She plays me and other family members off against each other. She is spiteful to her siblings when they call (she has told me what she’s said). She’s lied about being married when she wasn’t, and what hurts the most, is that I recently found out that mum and her sibling had a secret brother that I am sure she knew about but they didn’t. They have both passed now.

I feel a complete bitch but I am juggling problems at home with DS at the moment and I’m on a knife edge whenever I go round there.

she has turned into a piece of work

If she hasn't always been horrible, it's quite likely her nastiness is dementia related. It's very common to develop very unsavoury ideas as a nonagenarian!

You do not have to see your grandma if you don’t want to, and that needs no caveat.
But you especially don’t have to see her if she is impacting you wellbeing. Your son and his needs, along with your needs are more important.
Do other family members see her still, or are you trying to plush the gap because others have decided not to go near?

Bit confused by the secret brother, who knew and who didn’t?

I was similarly confused but I think it might be that OP’s mother and mother’s sibling’s father had a child from a previous relationship or from an affair/relationship post-grandmother that grandmother knew about/suspected but didn’t tell her children.

This!!

This. I’d see her in small doses and try to understand it’s not her, it’s a disease.

plays family members off against each other sounds similar scenario to my own.
perhaps she is bored, loves to stir things up.
i mean, she is 90, cut her some slack, pay no attention

Given that the nastiness is quite likely to be coming from age if its recent, I wonder whether you could find a way to make her feel cared about that doesn't impact on you as much as the visits are doing.

How about swapping some of the visits for sending postcards? Sending flowers? Writing letters? Posting a picture drawn by one of the kids with a thinking of you message?

In your position I would still visit occasionally, but perhaps try and time it so that you watch a program together or eat a meal together so there's less focus on talking if you're finding her behaviour upsetting.

Even if this is true, you may still choose to not sit there and listen to her saying unkind things.

Yes this - there are a variety of causes and there doesn’t need to be dementia overall for people to get tricky

Some of it sounds v tricky, although I’d have thought whether she was married or not is her own affair

Just to get this straight, your grandmother’s siblings are still alive but her children aren’t and they had a secret brother?

How often do you see her? My Grandma had a lot to say about everything and I smiled and nodded and just chatting about other things.

Hmmm dementia?

why should it be dementia thought?
she is nearing 90 and has become bitter by the sounds of it, bored perhaps

Yes, sounds like a half brother on the father's side so not really grandmother's fault.

No, it’s not dementia. She is in good health, has regular visits to the doctor, drives and can socialise.

she is just opinionated by the sounds of things
you visit her out of duty
shorten your visits if you want to op

She doesn’t have dementia.

No, mother’s side.

Yanbu, my sister and my grandparent have a very different relationship than myself and grandparents for one reason or another (there is no right or wrong party) after a huge argument they have both decided to cut contact for their own wellbeing. If a relationship with someone is toxic, the person is causing you undue stress and they are acting as your grandmother has with her comments then you are well within your rights to cut contact.

Dementia isn't always obvious

Secret brother = we live in very different times from in the past. A lot was shameful, hugely so, in the past, but isn't now. I might not judge too harshly for previous generations sweeping things under the carpet, thinking that was for the best

What would your mum have wanted?

You don't have to see anyone you don't want to. If they don't bring something to your life or you theirs why bother.

So did my nanna at 90 - she was definitely in the early stages of dementia.

Has she been fully assessed by the specialist or have you just decided?

no reason to even bring dementia into the conversation.

limit your visits op,

why does it matter @dhdbrbr
it isnt relevent