To think this is self care?

[ToxicOstrich]

Lighthearted.

My friend thinks I'm bonkers calling my cleaning sessions 'self care'. My son sees his dad once every 3 weeks for a whole day (9-6). In this time I put my pyjamas back on, put some loud music on and clean my house, whilst singing, dancing and will have a glass of wine. This for me is self care. Taking the time to make my house look lovely. Decluttering. Singing and listening to my favourite songs.

She thinks this can't possibly be self care, and that self care is a spa day or retail therapy.

What would you do for 'self care' if you only had one day to yourself every 3 weeks?

His dad should see him more often than once every 3 weeks. You need more self care days than that.

I am like you OP, cleaning/tidying/sorting/organising is my self-care! Friends say let's do a spa day or painting class etc, or that I should do yoga or pilates - but if I did any of those, I wouldnt enjoy them as I'd be stressing about the mess that needs sorting and basic tasks that need doing! The other day i managed to clean my bathroom to a standard i'd not reached in a while - and the sense of tranquility that came over me was immense!

I think there are tiers of self-care - if someone has enough time to clean, or enough money for a cleaner, then they can move up to the spay-day level of self-care!

That reminds me of those spoof parenting hints that were on social media a few years ago e.g. “Mums! Why not get up 2 hours before your husband and use the time to clean the kitchen. Me-time!”

It is whatever makes you happy. I hate cleaning, but I also hate spa days and shopping - horrible! So for me it would be some combo of reading, coffee shops, apart gallery a date theatre trip. And all on my own - that's vital. But it's essentially up to the individual to decide.

Honestly, that sounds tragic to me that your happiness is so affected by the state of your skirtingboards, and I’d be suggesting exploring why you spend your one precious free day every three weeks doing housework in your pyjamas rather than seeing friends or doing something pleasurable out of the house.

Why is doing something outside the home automatically “more pleasurable.” Driving somewhere for a day out, big queues in shops, busy restaurants with no spare tables and noisy twats? Or a country walk but it’s pissing down with rain?

OP likes cleaning and obviously takes pleasure from that so it’s just as valid an activity as doing something outside the home imho.

Although do agree that once every three weeks sounds like not enough contact for your ex, but not sure of back story to this.

Many people say "self care", when they mean "self coddling"

Self care means life admin - the grown-up stuff that no one else will do for you and will only benefit you once it's done

Facing up to possible debts and dealing with the paperwork

Sorting out credit cards or loans

DIY - there is nothing more satisfying than sorting out that thing that annoys you every time you pass/use it, but you keep putting it off as it's a faff/requires a trip to Homebase/needs the ladder dragging out of the shed

Getting a handle on the banking, pension, utility and work paperwork

Setting savings goals and setting up accounts for your savings

Housework, laundry, shopping, gardening

Starting or continuing a hobby

Working out, going for a walk or getting some other exercise

Possibly looking for a new job

The face mask and glass of wine in the bath by candle light is a little treat once you've done something you didn't feel like doing

Self care doesn't mean spoiling yourself, it means doing things that benefits present or future you. So creating peace of mind by ensuring a cleaner, less cluttered environment absolutely is self care.

I hate cleaning and fine it such a chore. I'm jealous I wish I could feel like it's self care 😂

Yeah, I'm with you. I find it depressing that so many women consider their time for themselves to be either cleaning or grooming. I remember going to a baby group where the leader encouraged us all to do one thing for ourselves that week and I was the only one who didn't pick a beauty routine as my thing... I will believe that cleaning or making yourself look pretty are genuinely fun when I start seeing men using their own free time for these 'hobbies'.

I don't drink wine at 9am 🤣

Yanbu. Having the house to myself, music and a good tidy up is bliss.
I've not been on my own since last May (teen won't go to school) and my house is a state. I'd love a few hours break.

So what time do you pour the glass of wine you mention in your OP?

The world would be a much better place if men did more housework - although I fear we’d never hear the end of it.

At lunchtime?

My FIL turned eighty last month and is always doing things around the house - improving things or re-arranging things. He loves it and it definitely falls under self-care for him. It's definitely not just something women do.

I did spend an hour today doing housework though - because it boosts my mood to have a nice, clean organised space and the stuff I was organising was mine, so not something I would expect DH to do. He does his own stuff - and often feels better afterwards for it too.

I too find cleaning and especially sorting incredibly soothing. My DH doesn't get this and is sometimes critical. You do you.

I once made a colleague burst out laughing because I said that I loved a good tidy, and a beautifully organised space. He laughed because my desk was an absolute tip.

I further pointed out that my home was nicely kept, and I simply didn't have time to tidy my workspace.

Nice bloke that he was, he took it upon himself to chase me away from my inbox on the first of the month and make me take the time to clean it.

My self care for the last week was hiring a skip and having a huge clear out. This weekend it's been pottering around the garden. Tonight it was tinting and plucking my eyebrows, paying off the last of my holiday and feeling proud that I saved for it and didn't put it on a credit card.
Anything that makes you feel good and boosts you up is self care. (p.s. I love a good solo kitchen disco!)

Many men clean and are interior designers. Men work in the modeling, fashion, and beauty industry.

I value a nice clean home, and I love fashion.

I'm not waiting around for all men to join me in my interests. Screw that. Why would I need a male approval for a hobby?

Who cares if men like these things?

Do things only have value if men do it?

"Self-care" is one of those terms that started out having a very specific meaning in the context of therapy and mental health - essentially if you're so depressed that you have no motivation to get out of bed, you have to actively remember to do the basics of taking care of yourself like eating, washing, exercising. Now people just use it to refer to whatever they enjoy doing so anything and everything can be self-care. A wank, a glass of wine at 9am, a line of coke, cleaning the skirting boards. Self-care! Only the last of those is genuinely unfathomable to me as a source of pleasure - I gain no satisfaction at all through tidiness - though who am I to deny others' lived experience.

If it makes you feel happy it's self care 🤷‍♀️

Don’t think it’s ‘self care’, think it’s making the best of doing the cleaning. Think the test is whether you would still choose cleaning over other activities if you had the option.

It’s Mary Poppins ‘spoon full of sugar’ approach.

My son the Lawyer likes tidying his apartment!

Me too OP,