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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad I have no old school friends

32 replies

MsScoot · 03/02/2024 22:50

i am friends with old school friends on social media. I sometimes see photos of some of them meeting up, and it makes me feel sad that I have no contact at all with old school friends.

after I left school, i tried to keep in touch, but none of them were interested. I also felt like I never quite fitted in at school.

as an adult (I’m 40 ffs) I have lots of friends, good career and family. But just sometimes I feel sad at having no contact with old school friends

OP posts:
Backinthedress · 03/02/2024 22:52

I have one friend from school. She's not on social media. I have a few I'm social media friends with, but I never see them irl. It makes me feel sad, too.
I don't have the gang of friends from school or the gang of friends from.uni or the gang of friends from ante natal classes. I keep like, one or two select friends from each life stage. I have many friends, but like you, sometimes wish for that.

I do. However. Occasionally see those photos and wonder if they've moved on at all or are they basically the exact same people they were 25 years ago. I know I'm not.

flarp · 03/02/2024 22:53

You're not alone. I feel sad about it too but nothing I can do about it now unfortunately.

houseofstark · 03/02/2024 22:55

Same here and I also feel sad about it. I've never quite fitted in. I don't think anyone actively dislikes me. I'm just not one of their favourites either.

Try not to let it bother you too much

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 03/02/2024 23:01

But school was such a long time ago and everyone was a kid then. The past belongs in the past.

CherryPiePiePie · 03/02/2024 23:04

I don’t get this, if you have loads of friends and family then yes I think you are being a bit silly.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/02/2024 23:06

I don’t even have mine on social media

i sometimes think something is wrong with me 😑

Corondel · 03/02/2024 23:06

Why are you friends on social media when it clearly makes you feel worse about yourself? If you genuinely like them and would like to see them socially, suggest a catch-up? Otherwise, unfriend and forget about them.

RichardsGear · 03/02/2024 23:08

CherryPiePiePie · 03/02/2024 23:04

I don’t get this, if you have loads of friends and family then yes I think you are being a bit silly.

I agree. There are people who've got no friends in their lives, whether that be old friends or new.

Just get on with enjoying the friendships you have now.

Original poster
MsScoot · 03/02/2024 23:26

Corondel · 03/02/2024 23:06

Why are you friends on social media when it clearly makes you feel worse about yourself? If you genuinely like them and would like to see them socially, suggest a catch-up? Otherwise, unfriend and forget about them.

I live a few hours away from where I grew up. So these days when I visit “home” time is taken up visiting immeieate family

OP posts:
Ladyof2022 · 03/02/2024 23:35

I have no friends from my past whatsoever. The few I have, I met in the last ten years.

Corondel · 03/02/2024 23:36

MsScoot · 03/02/2024 23:26

I live a few hours away from where I grew up. So these days when I visit “home” time is taken up visiting immeieate family

Show quote history

I was in the same situation for 26 years, only I was living overseas. I still saw one school friend when I visited, and she occasionally came to stay with me.

But in your case, you don’t sound as if you have time or space for these old schoolmates in your life, anyway — so why torment yourself?

SocksAndTheCity · 03/02/2024 23:38

Ladyof2022 · 03/02/2024 23:35

I have no friends from my past whatsoever. The few I have, I met in the last ten years.

Me neither. I left school thirty five years ago and it wouldn't even cross my mind to wonder what the other people there were doing now, but to be fair I didn't much like them at the time either.

Rocknrollstar · 03/02/2024 23:41

I have no friends from school. By the time I left I didnt have any friends there anyway. I just walked out after the last exam and never said goodbye to anyone.

LadyChilli · 03/02/2024 23:42

I get it. I got dropped by my lifelong friend group in my late teens and as an adult am back being close to one of them. That bond with someone who knows your childhood is unique. I have a very wide social circle and a great life all round but when this friend came back into my life they went right to the top of the priority list.

Maddy70 · 03/02/2024 23:43

I dont have old school friemds. Life moves on. Why are you sad? .. the newer ones are the ones that like the matured you not some snippy teenager

Original poster
MsScoot · 03/02/2024 23:44

Corondel · 03/02/2024 23:36

I was in the same situation for 26 years, only I was living overseas. I still saw one school friend when I visited, and she occasionally came to stay with me.

But in your case, you don’t sound as if you have time or space for these old schoolmates in your life, anyway — so why torment yourself?

Show quote history

You’re right. I have absolutely no time / space to catch up with them anyway . But for some really strange reason, seeing them meet you still makes me feel left out. It’s as though it’s a reminder of the wee oddball I felt I was at school

OP posts:
Daysie · 03/02/2024 23:59

I'd look at unfriending them op as you are almost putting yourself back into school life and looking for acceptance.

I was very popular at school until about year 10/11 when the girls I believe were jealous of me (I'm not big headed and nothing special believe me) and I took a stand against the other popular girls in our group for being so 2 faced to each other / others in general which made me and 1 other become outcasts because we confronted them.

I am not friends on SM with anyone from school (apart from that 1 girl) as quite frankly those other people didn't enrich my life then so I am happy to have gone separate ways and certainly don't need them now.

Op I think you need to look forward at all your positive relationships you currently have and learn the past people are not who they were, you don't need them to validate you and going back could make you feel like you don't fit in again. Your current friends like you for YOU. School relationships aren't always genuine especially with girls which is a shame but a fact.

Move on happily.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2024 00:06

Id delete them op. I have friends from school, but a very select group and I have no one beyond those five only social media. Same for uni. There's three I have actual relationships with and a couple of friends of friends I see every few years. No one else on there. They're just strangers now, your lives have changed so much and if their updates aren't giving you joy, what's the point?

KreedKafer · 04/02/2024 00:07

The thing is, there’s no real reason why people who happened to be your friends when you were 16 would be your friends for life. Throughout our lives we form friendships with all sorts of people who we only really meet because we’re thrown together by circumstance - school, university, work, neighbours, NCT classes, whatever. Some of those friendships ‘stick’ and some don’t, and there isn’t really any reason why school friendships would stick more than others. In fact, so many of the friendship dilemmas on Mumsnet are about women who have been friends since school but clearly don’t actually have anything in common any more, and now have tension between them because they’re only still in contact because they feel obliged to be, and don’t really like each other.

If it’s any consolation, while I do have a couple of old friends from school, we rarely actually meet up. And I’m not in touch with anyone at all from my university days! I don’t really know why - I have good memories of that time and of socialising with them in my student days. But pretty much the moment I graduated, I just drifted away from them.

By contrast, some people I met at work 25 years ago have remained my best friends to this day.

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 04/02/2024 00:11

I was friends with about 7-10 of them initially in my 20s but into my early 30s I lost contact with most of them. Now I only see two of the girls I went to High school with and one of my best friends I talk to Nearly every day but rarely see actually went to primary school with me.

But I think not being friends with heaps of school friends is pretty normal. A lot of the ones I used to speak to online in my year group had lost contact or even fell out with their high school friendships group. Which isn’t surprising as our year group which pretty combative, cliquey and less than harmonious . Interestingly a lot more friendship groups from the year above and the year below mine seem to have remained intact lol

But a lot of my friends aren’t in contact with anyone from their old school beyond social media.

I agree you should consider removing them from Facebook or at least muting them so you don’t see the updates.

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 04/02/2024 00:21

Also two of the ones I lost contact with at age 18 then reconnected with in my early 20s after uni brought a lot of chaos and pain into my life.

One of them shared my private conversations to an abusive ex and the other one - who is her best friend - caused maximum drama within my friendship circle that I’d welcomed them into, to the extent some friendships haven’t been the same, over a decade later.

My point being sometimes it is best to leave old friendships in the past.

Jamtarts88 · 04/02/2024 00:22

Same here OP.
I've been thinking recently about removing them all from my social media.
I don't have a single friend from school. I did have a friend I've known since primary school, but even she doesn't bother keeping in touch now

Comedycook · 04/02/2024 00:25

I wonder if the sadness comes from not having a connection to a previous part of your life if that makes sense...like its sort of over and done with.

Greenthread · 04/02/2024 00:27

Were you happy at school? I wasn’t and I’m quite happy not to see people I went to school with! I do get the occasional pang of nostalgia when I see groups of people I went to school with getting together, but then I think I’d be miserable if I was with them and I’m better off out of it.

caringcarer · 04/02/2024 01:03

I have kept in contact with 3 of my best old school friends. I'm 62 now and we all live in different parts of the country. We grew up in the same town though. We all go back but only occasionally. If I'm going back to visit my sister's who still live there I'll let my friends know on Facebook or message them and if they are not busy occasionally one or 2 of them might come for the same weekend. Then we meet up and go out together. I messaged them on their birthdays and Xmas. We catch up on WhatsApp about once a month to every six weeks. If I have any important news I'll let them know. They do the same. I wish I saw them more but one is not living in the UK anymore.