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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AlBU for feeling upset?

31 replies

efn · 03/02/2024 19:13

My husband 37M and I 30F separated a couple of months ago because of a range of behaviours I couldn't tolerate anymore.
One of those behaviours where him texting random women on insta and Facebook.
He was telling me that he has changed and that he wants me back and I told him I don't trust you as you have done this many times.
He said that he was doing it because I am a very masculine women as I know how to use a combi drill and do manly jobs in the house like install furniture ,landscape garden ,lay wooden flooring etc.
I have been doing these the past year before the separation because we bought a old house and I wanted to help and put the skills I had into work.
I need to note that I also used to do the housework and the cooking as well.
I told him that I would rather prefer to think of myself as a capable woman and not masculine as my appearance is that of a woman but during the works I let myself go because of exhaustion.
So he says that any man I meet in the future will think the same for me and that really upset me because I don't want to change who I am but I can't help thinking if he is right ?
I told him any future man that wants to be with me should appreciate me for this quality and accept me as I am but then I started having these doubts as I wouldn't know the men's perspective into this.

OP posts:
VanilleA · 03/02/2024 19:16

He's an arse and you're better off without him

isspringspringing · 03/02/2024 19:17

You're right - any man that wants to be with you will appreciate those qualities and not feel threatened by them or have any ridiculous need to control you. Any man who doesn't appreciate you for that isn't worth your time.

ThursdayTomorrow · 03/02/2024 19:17

Some men might not like it. Some men will.
Its not a problem as it will sort the wheat from the chaff.

Bluenotgreen · 03/02/2024 19:17

He’s a total pig.

I wish I had those skills and capabilities OP. I would be so proud.

Sparklesocks · 03/02/2024 19:18

He sounds awful - a dirtbag cheater and so insecure about his masculinity that he is intimidated by a woman using a drill?? Ugh. My Fanny would be the Sahara.

youveturnedupwelldone · 03/02/2024 19:22

My ex was like this, got awfully cross that I could and did do DIY that he couldn't be arsed to. Apparently I was emasculating him.

When I kicked him out I used my emasculating DIY skills to change the locks.

Don't doubt yourself and don't look back!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/02/2024 19:25

He's trying to use you as an excuse for his cheating. You are definitely better off being single than with man who brings you down.

Nicebloomers · 03/02/2024 19:26

youveturnedupwelldone · 03/02/2024 19:22

My ex was like this, got awfully cross that I could and did do DIY that he couldn't be arsed to. Apparently I was emasculating him.

When I kicked him out I used my emasculating DIY skills to change the locks.

Don't doubt yourself and don't look back!

That made me laugh 😂

He’s a dick. You’re well rid

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 03/02/2024 19:26

Wow.
You are a mighty, strong, feminine woman.
The fact is the most strenuous and difficult of all jobs can only be done by females.

You do not want nor need a man who wants you to be weak, who wants you to be dominated by him, who is so insecure that you being able to use a drill threatens him.

There are lots of men out there who want a relationship with a strong woman out there. They want an equal. As do you. Don’t seek for anything less. You are well shot of this loser!!

Newsenmum · 03/02/2024 19:26

He’s being ridiculous and I hope you know that

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 19:27

You should be really proud of yourself.

hellsBells246 · 03/02/2024 19:29

isspringspringing · 03/02/2024 19:17

You're right - any man that wants to be with you will appreciate those qualities and not feel threatened by them or have any ridiculous need to control you. Any man who doesn't appreciate you for that isn't worth your time.

This!

efn · 03/02/2024 19:30

Thank you ,I am but what he said planted doubts in me and kind of crushed me.
I always liked that I know how to do many things ,I moved out ,uninstalled and installed all furniture in my new home and basically everything

OP posts:
sewingstockings · 03/02/2024 19:30

My daughter does the garden, does the decorating. Fitted new worktops in the kitchen. Stripped out and fitted a new bathroom on her own. Fitted new flooring in the whole of the downstairs. Her husband is delighted. It’s saved them a fortune. He doesn’t think she is masculine. He thinks she is a very capable woman who will turn her hand to anything and is proud of her achievements.

OldTinHat · 03/02/2024 19:31

Hahahahahahaha!!!! Now I really have heard it all! You're 'too masculine' because you can use a drill?! I suspect he's 'too masculine' to use a washing machine, vacuum cleaner, dishwasher? Am I right?

What an absolute misogynistic arsehole.

misskatamari · 03/02/2024 19:33

What a fucking insecure idiot manbaby he is! I’m sure this has been a painful situation to deal with (separating etc), but god, you are well rid of him!

PriOn1 · 03/02/2024 19:34

You sound fabulous. You just need to find a decent man who’s secure in himself and not a needy, useless, rude fucker with no self-confidence.

Sletty · 03/02/2024 19:37

He is an absolute dickhead!

PonyPatter44 · 03/02/2024 19:39

Oh fgs he is totally pathetic, isn't he? Why are you bothered about his opinion, when he thinks so little of you?

I have my own drill, tools, etc. DP does not want me to have a chain saw, but if I really wanted one and went to buy one, he wouldn't think it made me any less feminine. In fact I just asked him, and after he picked his jaw off the floor, he laughed. He knows it doesn't make me any less attractive.

spanishviola · 03/02/2024 19:43

He’s just trying to undermine you. Don’t let him.

missmollygreen · 03/02/2024 19:44

Its not 1955. No man will care that you are a capable diyer.
And any the do care are not worth your time

Clarinet1 · 03/02/2024 19:45

If he finds you so masculine, why does he want you back? Oh, wait - so you can do all the wife work too!
Also, suggesting you won’t find anyone else is a classic technique to try and keep you under his thumb. Don’t fall for it and carry on being a strong, capable, independent woman!

MrsMitford3 · 03/02/2024 19:46

All the tools in this house are mine.

DH def appreciates a woman who is capable and much more practical than he is.
We are not traditional in our division of labour-DH def happy to have a wife who can assemble flat pack furniture!!

Lots of men will appreciate you-find one who does!!!

CheshireCat1 · 03/02/2024 19:49

If he hadn’t come up with that ridiculous excuse he would have come up with another just as daft. Just ignore him.

gezzab33 · 03/02/2024 19:51

You are an absolute catch, he's a bellend and I'm intrigued about what attracted you to him.