Newly Separated, Division of 'Work' and 'Fun Time' with the kids

[LurkingAndVenting]

I am newly separated from my husband. He opt'd to move into his mum's house just before Christmas holidays -- somewhere around the 17th Dec.

For the children, for the time being, we've got an arrangement where he takes the children from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

That sounded really good at first, but then I'm finding that I have to sort Mt. Laundry and in particular, the children's uniforms. Plus, for any 'fun time' projects I want to do with the kids, that time has been diminished since those were largely weekend things.

It seemed like a good deal at first. But then for this time when the children are with him, I'm doing loads of 'catch up' things such as the laundry. And it seems like by contrast, he gets to be "Fun Time Daddy" -- always on top of everything, where otherwise... it's not only the kids' school uniforms, but its also all the 'admin' I have to do to keep the household running... grocery shops, school activity fees, and then having to justify to him getting paid back for those. On top of where he was late with what we agreed for splitting household expenses for Jan 2024.

I'm not feeling like I'm getting a fair break from work... both he and I have full time jobs too. While the kids are off with my ex, I'm catching up on all household duties that supports the kids where he doesn't have that responsibility.

So I guess I wanted to gauge everyone else's experiences there. And ultimately....

AIBU for this current set up where my ex picks up the kids on a Friday afternoon and brings them back on a Sunday afternoon where he picks up and sorts their school uniforms too?

I mean, I'm already doing meals, homework, pets, household, all that.

What are some ideas on the fair split for work there ... also acknowledging that mums typically take up more 'work' ... and then where can I find the time/energy to connect with my kids outside of when I tuck them in, have a little cuddle, tell them how great they are and how much I love them. After all the 'admin', house work, etc., associated with being a newly separated single mum ... how's the 'work' there meant to be split?

And would I be unreasonable with the current arrangement where fun time daddy gets both the kids and their school uniform laundry?

so if he picks them up from school on a Friday, they need to lug a weeks worth of dirty laundry around with them?

Could you do every other friday to drop off school on monday morning and monday to thursday the week after. It means you both get weekends with the children and weekends alone. Means he gets to sort school,uniforms and busy weekdays and its not all on you. Its not fair your doing all the drudgery mon to fri and he gets fun weekends. Also both huy uniforms for both houses.

How old are the children?

Does he live too far from their school now? Otherwise I don’t know why you wouldn’t do a wed to sat and sun to tue split.

You also have the expensive days. The days where you have to buy school uniform, pay for childcare, and pay for all those little extras that come up with education.

you are the person whose career is going to continue to be constrained by parenting with school pickups and sick days.

he needs to parent on weekdays, not just weekends.

I'm with this, but also, you need to 'life' on days that they're there too!

What's wrong with taking them shopping? Or an online order if that's overwhelming?
Doing laundry during the week?
Doing a little cleaning each day to lessen the weekend?
Doing a little life admin of an evening?

We have a 'no chores at weekends' rule in our house so we can just have fun with the kids at the weekend, and it seems to work.
Beyond cleaning as we go throughout the days, everything else is done in the week - around two full time working patterns.

It's the split of the days that are unfair - as you say, you get all the grunt work, he gets the fun stuff. I wouldn't send them to his with their dirty uniform, rebalance it in other ways.

Thank you everyone, for your feedback, support, ideas and questions.

Re: lugging a week's worth of laundry. It's 4 sets of pants, 4 sets of shirts, one jumper, 2 cardigans, and PE kit. I don't think that's excessive.

Re: mixing weeknights and weekend, because of the nature of my husband's job he works very strict hours on top of a 40 minute commute one way... there is no hope for WFH for him. In addition, he has no access to his mobile between 7.30am until 4.30pm. We did experiment this week when I had to work late for a project deadline, where I had to flex time in order to pick up our youngest from school, and my husband offered to take our youngest overnight to trial it. Then he had to drop our youngest off at 7am so that he could get into work. The situation still effectively has me doing all of the school runs, except for Friday pick ups since my husband works a half day on Fridays.

Re: ages. Our youngest is Y6 and our oldest is Y8. Our oldest has additional needs, our youngest also has health needs and considerations.

Re: my career. I'm very fortunate to be able to work remote-first, can flex my hours so long as I'm reachable for 'core' hours, have 'unlimited holidays' (so long as my line manager and my customers are happy and I hit all targets). I'm not as constrained at work. My colleagues have been wonderfully supportive as well.

Re: having 'life' days ... I love the concept.

We do order online for groceries... that's part of the 'admin'... because of our oldest's additional needs where grocery stores are intolerable for that young person.

I am doing laundry over the week. Its more the case of when I have the children clean their rooms before going off for the weekend... hence Mt Laundry... because inevitably, the children have chucked their laundry on their bedroom floors rather than putting them in the laundry bin. So that's potentially one thing I can change... be a bit more strict and ask the children to better support me by in the very least not chucking laundry on the floors.

QQ aside, what's the appropriate age for a child to start doing their own laundry now a-days? I was born in the 70s, latch key kid, all that. My mom had me doing my own laundry at age 12. But a lot of those goalposts have changed. Could I potentially offset some of the work by assigning those as chores to the children?

Light cleaning gets done everyday. Bigger jobs such as sweeping and mopping is usually saved for the weekends. At present, I have much more house than I can manage by myself now and I have been house-hunting to downsize to something more manageable.

And finally... life admin during the week... I do quite a bit of that in trying to keep up with all of the paperwork that gets emailed or mailed in, between school and the bazillion regular doctor appointments both children have due to their health needs. It just still seems like it all piles up on the weekends, where I'm easily spending at least 4 hours making sure everything is sorted.

Got any other thoughts?

I can't really see what extra work the uniforms actually make, you'd be washing/ironing other items of clothing so surely they just add to the pile, rather than creating another job?

I think you need compromise with every other weekend so you get actual quality time with them.

Yanbu at all and one parent having the kids every weekend is a terrible setup.

It should be every other weekend plus ine midweek night eg every wednesday night. School holidays also divided between you in an agreed ratio on whole week blocks.

"because of the nature of my husband's job he works very strict hours on top of a 40 minute commute one way... there is no hope for WFH for him. In addition, he has no access to his mobile between 7.30am until 4.30pm"

I'm a bit "boo fucking hoo" about this. He's a parent, with childcare responsibilities. Surely he needs to arrange his work so he can cover these, and/or organise and pay for childcare. Not just dump it on you, because you have a more flexible job.

I don’t understand why he gets them every other weekend and all you get is the shit school runs etc. he’s a parent, I give no shits about his job etc, why are you making it so easy for him to just do the fun parts?

I don't know why you agreed to every weekend him having the kids? You need to address that first

But at the end of the day any jealousy associated with him not having the admin you do is pointless really - you have got to stay in the family home whilst he is back as a grown man with his mum

My ex is in a shared house with a cleaner and gardener and doesn't have any overnights with the kids. I could let the jealousy get to me but at the end of the day he has a pretty sad existence for a man in his 40s and I don't so I just have to get on with the admin and washing etc n

Most parents don't get to opt out of being a parent because of their work. Your children are your priority and if you don't have a partner who is able to care for children while you work you need to change things.
Your ex is not your partner, he'll have to work things out so he can see the children more often.
It's not about you and your breaks thought, it's about what's best for the kids. It's not best for the kids to never see their mum at the weekend.

I'm a bit "boo fucking hoo" about this.

Tell me about it 🙄

He had only gotten the job about 3 weeks before he moved out.

This will stir the pot... for 18mos prior, he was not in work and I was the sole breadwinner. And I could spin so many other stories about how unfair he's been... hence, separating. And prolly a part of how/why I want to get some of my own back.

I don’t think it’s fair that you get no weekend time with the dc apart from Sunday afternoon rush to get sorted for school. Will he have them in school holidays a bit?

I’d suggest Eow or 2 weekends he has them and the 3rd weekend you have them.

you mention having to ask him for money for half of things. Is he paying maintenance?

whilst he is back as a grown man with his mum

His mum unfortunately passed away 3 weeks ago. This has been a fast moving space.

you mention having to ask him for money for half of things. Is he paying maintenance?

We're still in the process of working out a child maintenance agreement. Until then, I'm showing him the receipts for what he owes for their upkeep in the matrimonial home at this time. Its all quite fresh and I thank everyone for their ideas and feedback.

Whatever the realities of his job I wouldn't be getting stuck with him getting all the weekends. Not a precedent you want to set

Long term it certainly doesn't sound right you never get a weekend or much fun time with them, so I'd make it clear this is temporary while you work things out. You are totally reasonable to think this needs to change.

However, if he only lost his mum 3 weeks ago, and is still settling into a new job, this might not be the time to make any decisions on how things should be long term? I'm fortunate not to have lost a parent yet, but I got the impression that on top of the emotional grief there is a lot to organise and sort out too, so if he is doing sole childcare all weekend and working inflexible hours all week on top of dealing with bereavement , I'm not sure someone who has most of the weekend 'off' complaining about school uniforms is going to go down well.

Does your Ex wash the kids uniform on a Friday for them to wear on Monday ?

Well that changes things. If you have it in you to show some compassion then I'd advise you to wait before challenging the current set up.
Were you close to your MIL, and the children to their grandma?

Good point, he should be doing that as a minimum. And other clothes that need washing while they are with him. I would complain about that if not, I just don't think you can send them with a weeks worth of dirty uniform.

And presumably he does do the grocery shopping and cooking for their meals when he is with them?

Do you want free weekends without the kids or to have time with them? If it's the latter, insist on every other weekend.

I don't understand the issue with uniform, it's a ten minute job? FGS don't make them carry their laundry to school, that's really cruel.

And you have a whole weekend to yourself every weekend? So you actually get more rest than him?

Can you afford a cleaner?

But no, you shouldn't never get fun time with your kids.