Newly Separated, Division of 'Work' and 'Fun Time' with the kids

[LurkingAndVenting]

I am newly separated from my husband. He opt'd to move into his mum's house just before Christmas holidays -- somewhere around the 17th Dec.

For the children, for the time being, we've got an arrangement where he takes the children from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

That sounded really good at first, but then I'm finding that I have to sort Mt. Laundry and in particular, the children's uniforms. Plus, for any 'fun time' projects I want to do with the kids, that time has been diminished since those were largely weekend things.

It seemed like a good deal at first. But then for this time when the children are with him, I'm doing loads of 'catch up' things such as the laundry. And it seems like by contrast, he gets to be "Fun Time Daddy" -- always on top of everything, where otherwise... it's not only the kids' school uniforms, but its also all the 'admin' I have to do to keep the household running... grocery shops, school activity fees, and then having to justify to him getting paid back for those. On top of where he was late with what we agreed for splitting household expenses for Jan 2024.

I'm not feeling like I'm getting a fair break from work... both he and I have full time jobs too. While the kids are off with my ex, I'm catching up on all household duties that supports the kids where he doesn't have that responsibility.

So I guess I wanted to gauge everyone else's experiences there. And ultimately....

AIBU for this current set up where my ex picks up the kids on a Friday afternoon and brings them back on a Sunday afternoon where he picks up and sorts their school uniforms too?

I mean, I'm already doing meals, homework, pets, household, all that.

What are some ideas on the fair split for work there ... also acknowledging that mums typically take up more 'work' ... and then where can I find the time/energy to connect with my kids outside of when I tuck them in, have a little cuddle, tell them how great they are and how much I love them. After all the 'admin', house work, etc., associated with being a newly separated single mum ... how's the 'work' there meant to be split?

And would I be unreasonable with the current arrangement where fun time daddy gets both the kids and their school uniform laundry?

Ok so I was very much boo fucking hoo re the working hours meaning he can't take the DC. But he's settling into a new job and has just lost his mum so I'm inclined to cut him a little slack for now.

Could you tell him that the arrangement isn't working for you and why, and that you need him to step up and parent equally rather than be a Disney dad. Tell him you're open to any reasonable suggestion, so give him a week or two to think about it and come up with a plan that results in a more even split of drudge and fun. With a firm deadline of when you need change - a month?

I presume he won't actually come up with anything useful, but maybe he'll surprise you.

Indeed! Folks above were asking, "how can you let him get away with this?" and that's part of what's driving this.

MIL was a kind, gentle, & patient woman. When she first took ill and was hospitalised back in Sept, I went to visit and to support my husband who is her primary carer.

I know all about being a carer when the person you're caring for is in hospital... did a long stint of that when our youngest was fighting childhood cancer, years back.

The children were close to MIL... in fact... I'm not British and the whole reason why we moved back to England was so that the children could be close to their disabled grandparents.

FIL passed away, just before Christmas before last. For my husband, that was devastatingly traumatic because he was there, trying to resuscitate his dad when his dad passed. And sadly typical for elderly folk, when one partner goes, the other tends to decline and follow.

MIL had been disabled her entire life, without great mobility. On the night that MIL took a fall that landed her in hospital, our youngest was there for a fun Saturday night (Saturday Strictly!) sleep over. It was our youngest who witnessed the fall and then by herself, went and got help. It was quite traumatic for her too. Was it sad, or was it good that because my youngest had been subject to so many medical emergencies due to her cancer journey, she knew exactly what she needed to do?

My youngest got the help MIL needed, but also because at that time my husband was already in hospital, recovering from his 2nd heart attack, MIL didn't want my youngest to phone me when MIL took that fall in the middle of the night ... so I didn't learn about any of that until MIL was taken off to hospital. Our youngest sat with MIL for 5 hours while waiting for an ambulance, to take MIL to the hospital which is literally just across the street.

And then while I was there to support my husband, before we decided to split (and this part is part of my decision making for splitting up) ... even though he had the ability to look after his mum better... he instead decided to only visit during public visiting hours. Often times, he'd take our youngest with him. MIL. MIL suffered loads of infections and such that affected her mental capacities so that she was hallucinating a lot. Then my youngest got to see that too.

All the above is so horrific and there's still more. It should be no wonder I'm feeling like I'm on my knees and trying to re-balance everything after all of that.

This. He needs to make appropriate childcare arrangements for his contact time. The contact schedule should be arranged so that you both get a balance of weekend and weeknight responsibility

There’s a lot going on here.

Being pragmatic, I would stop all this “showing him receipts “ nonsense and agree on a monthly figure.

It rarely works to have non resident parent having children every weekend. Most do EOW and an evening or two in the week.

Nope.

He's never going to agree to a change in the current agreed arrangement, is he ?.

And you trying to force one, I don't know how you'd do that exactly without creating some major drama, would look really bad in the family court.

You need to sit down and work out what the children's expenses actually are on an annual basis - it'll help you to know that anyway, because you may need to cut some things/ask for more maintenance. Then ask him for 1/12 of that. Or pro rata if for the past 3 months and ask for that upfront and if there are major differences, you'll be back in touch about it.

You need to alternate weekends. Can they stay with him Sunday night too? I did that so ex has to make lunches, wash clothes, organise homework, at least a bit.

Also even if they stay over with you every weeknight can they got to his after school one night a week after dinner and he brings them back to yours? That takes one meal off your hands and adds a break in the week.

He's kinda like, "Hey kids, let's go to Tesco's before going to mine." whenever he picks them up. I can't be too judgy-pudgy there, because at the end of the day, it gets the kids fed. It's usually ready meals.

His job is not suitable / it's his responsibility to sort the gaps in childcare. No way if I were separated I would agree to the kids being away every weekend! That's quality parenting time.

Also can he be trusted to put them first when it comes to weekend play dates/parties and any activities they do?

I'd like some free time with the kids where I'm not already worn down from work or when my older child is so done with school and people'ing, he doesn't want to interact with anyone until bedtime cuddles. Weekends seem ideal.

Also though, what kicked off this post for me was a case where my oldest needs his laptop upgraded for doing school work. I can do that, I work in tech support. But then I need my oldest around because I don't know all of his passwords (for clarity, the children's devices are locked down via Screentime app), so I'd need him here to unlock his laptop so I can do the upgrades. However on weekdays, he's done with school related stuff and done with people'ing. And tbf, I am too on weekdays. And my oldest isn't here to sort that. I've put in some other supports in coordination with school to help sort that.

I would suggest every other weekend with him having them 2 nights per week until you can sort out proper week on week off 50/50. His childcare is frankly not your problem and you need fun times with your kids as well as him. Not a chance would I give up my weekends with my kids

If he works until 4:30pm, he can be back by 5:30. Just needs to organise an after school club on those days. You would need to agree to be the one school contact if they are ill as he can't answer the phone, but you must be doing that anyway. Look at cms calculator to see the minimum he needs to pay to support. Remember receipts won't show the cost of utilities, petrol, school trips etc anyway.

I'm realising its more of a principle thing than an actual thing. Yes, I could carry the load but I believe I'm carrying too much load (again).

And yes of course, I wouldn't make the kids carry dirty laundry to school for pick ups. To clarify the arrangement there, my husband works a half day on Friday. So he's willing to pick up our youngest from school. She could reasonably walk home from school every day. However, because of recent events, she's felt alienated from her friends group and isn't comfortable walking home with them. So on Friday's, dad picks her up.

My oldest... who I've mentioned has special needs... has a EHCP + transport support for getting him to and from home and school. Transport picks him up from the matrimonial home and drops him off here as well.

So what ends up happening is that my husband who's off of work at 12.30pm on Fridays... then goes to pick up our youngest at 3.30pm. Then they both come to the matrimonial home, where the children collect their weekend bags and then our oldest goes with him as well.

Under this current arrangement, I do have weekends to myself. However, its a mixed blessing. This past weekend, I've been so glad my husband has had the kids because I've had a terrible cold and I'm super glad to not have to look after children while I recover there.

But then also, I miss doing cool stuff with my kids which in the past has usually been reserved for the weekends. In addition, I get lonely too. I have a big house, but what's the use of a big house when its empty. And many things I'd like to engage with the children with-- would take longer than the half hour to hour I have on weekdays before I crash from exhaustion.

I cannot afford a cleaner. Not for this house.

And yes, I do deserve fun times with my children <3

I will take that into consideration, and thank you for your comment there.

There’s a lot going on here.

Tell me about it. 🙄

I did try to agree on a monthly figure. First going through uk.gov Child Maintenance agreement/website and he rejected that. I came up with a separate plan that spelled things out, but then he didn't pay January's agreement until yesterday, where he did both January and February agreement (and you don't at all need to comment about how there's some financial abuse there... yet another reason why we separated).

Does "EOW" mean "End of Watch"? I'm terrible with acronyms.

But yes, I am grateful for this thread where I'm introduced to ideas outside of the tunnel vision that I was experiencing, what with everything that's been on. I'm grateful for your ideas there too.

OK. Go through CMS to get him to pay properly. He’s had enough chances.

EOW is every other weekend.

id start with trying more of a “two home” split. Given your dh job maybe Thursday to Saturday night with him. Sunday to Wednesday with you.
HE needs to organise childcare (and pay if required) or change his working pattern for Thursday evening and Friday morning but that’s only two school runs out of ten. It’s not too big an ask.

You and your dh are not together now so the whole idea of him having a job that excuses him from weekday parenting and you doing all the school runs is no longer suitable (if it ever was!).

You need to have your equal share of weekends and he needs to have them some days in the week. Otherwise you’re getting all the crap juggling part and he gets all the quality time!

Also can he be trusted to put them first when it comes to weekend play dates/parties and any activities they do?

No he can't be trusted there... long since proven from the past when we were together, hence another reason for the separation. He always puts himself first.

In fact, just a few minutes ago, I got a text from him because our youngest is bored over at his and is bugging him. So he wanted to pawn her back to me. And I'm like, "I'm still working on getting the kids sorted and set up this week, besides clearing my head on things on top of getting over this cold."

I'm sorta kinda liking the thinking behind doing split weeks where he sorts out the childcare for the weeknights that he has the children and making all that time a much more even split.

Though now may not be the time to do it, immediately.

I am so grateful for all the great ideas to sanity check me to make sure I'm not being unreasonable.

the whole idea of him having a job that excuses him from weekday parenting and you doing all the school runs is no longer suitable (if it ever was!).

100% and thank you!