Was I unreasonable to expect DH to turn of light at 3:30 AM?

[NUtowanttosleep]

DC woke up at around 11:30 last night. I went in and fell asleep, waking again at around 3:30 am. I went back to our bed and DH was awake watching TV on his phone and had the lamp on next to his bed. As I was walking to my side of the bed I asked DH to turn off the lamp off. He said no. I asked again for him to please turn the light off as it's half 3 and I want to sleep. He said he was there first and I can't expect to walk in a room and get my own way. I admit I did argue about it as I was a bit surprised he wouldn't just turn it off. It is not as if he was reading and needed the light. I also didn't buy the "I was here first" argument as we were both in bed but I was just the one to get up when DC woke up. I was really peed off with him as I actually think it's just nasty and controlling to refuse when he doesn't need the light and I wanted to sleep. By the way I suggested I'd do it myself and he said he'd put it back on again. I put my head under the duvet and tried to sleep but then DC woke up again and I went to sleep in there.

I can understand you not wanting to speak to anyone you know. It feels very shameful. If you are earning £60k over four days I assume you are smart, capable and resourceful, so how could you be in a relationship like this? It's really good that you've shared your experience on here, and you can hear people telling you that his behaviour isn't normal or acceptable. Realising that is the first step to changing things.

Finances are a really big consideration, because you need to be able to house and feed yourself. Try planning out the finances for a few different arrangements e.g. 50/50 care or him having DC every other weekend and one night, or him not having DC at all. Assume either (a) you have the house and have to pay all costs or (b) you move out and rent for a bit.

Use the CM calculator to see what contribution you would get from him in each case. Work out what nursery fees would be and what other costs would be. See what it looks like. Could you drop another day at work temporarily? You are just scoping it out at the moment, not committing to anything. Make a spreadsheet*. At the moment it feels scary and change feels impossible. If you know what your financial situation would be, at least you know rather than imagining a worst-case scenario.

My ex was abusive and unpleasant. I needed a lot of support to adjust my thinking and understand that it wasn't me who was the problem.

*You don't have to make a spreadsheet. I work in a finance department and I love making a spreadsheet.

I did tell him he was being unreasonable, trust me, and that he could go downstairs if he wanted to do something other than sleep. He said no I should go downstairs. He even called me a twat.

This is just weird. On what planet does the person who wants to use the bedroom to sleep in have to leave it to the person who doesn't want to sleep? How does that even work in his mind? There was only one person in that room being a twat, and it wasn't you, OP.

Our situations do sound similar @Gowlett We have been together a similar amount of time and DC are similar ages. I also knew what he was like from very early on. This is not new!

there was much more of this in the early days - asking if I am being unreasonable as he was I adamant I was wrong. I knew I wasn't as I had good intentions and he was often simply nasty but I doubted myself. I doubt myself less now but it worries me that he got to me last night.

I keep hoping things will improve especially since he is quitting smoking and the weed. That is a good thing. On the other hand have waited a long time and I'm sure people would think I'm an idiot if they knew the situation.

You are right @Bluenotgreen

@SparklingCyanide This is what worries me. I need to put DC first.

He's now come down and is talking about buying a flat he has seen for a good price near his work. If only.

And I hope you turned on every light near to him. Then loaded the dishwasher at full volume. And vacuumed. Banged doors.

Wanker.

Time to get your ducks in a row - sounds like he's making plans anyway so don't let yourself be outwitted by this arrogant man baby.

THis

He sounds like he's an abusive twat, letting you wear yourself into the ground while he literally plays on his phone in the middle of the night.

If he was a good guy, who clearly wasn't feeling 'tired', he should have gotten up with his own children and let you continue sleeping. But no, he'll watch you have to keep getting up and being exhausted at 3:30 am while he watches telly and plays on his phone.

Talking about buying a flat. Yeah, my DH is the one who threatens to leave, too. But he never actually pissed off…

With us, he’s either good or bad. There isn’t any in between. He sees things in black & white, and can’t compute nuance. Or communicate effectively. Anything I say is “moaning” & it’s “don’t start” when in fact it’s him starting every time…

I would have pulled the duvet off to strip the bedding and then hoovered the room.

That's what we get to @Gowlett If I say anything he doesn't like I'm told I'm nagging or don't start. He raises plenty of things if he feels like it though.

He has since said he won't be buying a flat as thinks we have made up. I'm not arguing with him so he thinks it's fine. But then why wouldn't he?!

I am out with the DC having a play and late lunch. Hes gone out to get some food and see his friend and probably smoke weed all evening.

I'm fine with my DC though. He can F off. It does occur to me the more we live separate lives perhaps I'll be closer to leaving. Or he will.

He was being an arse

my dh sometimes watches stuff on his phone (with earphones) while I am in bed but I have a super snuggly eye mask which I just put on. Would you consider that for next time? (He’s still an arse though)

He won’t leave. My DH acts as if everything is fine now, too. I’ll sometimes say “this isn’t okay now” but once he’s back to “normal” it’s all happy families as far as he’s concerned. Weed was a massive issue here, as well. It’s really hard, NU…

Why would he leave? He's getting what he wants: you doing all the heavy lifting while he gets a place to live with no responsibility for any of it.

You need to pull the trigger yourself.

He's a twat. Bedroom is shared space for sleeping. If he wants to have the light on in the middle of the night for non emergency reasons he needs to go elsewhere.

@Clearinguptheclutter I've never really used them. I am the kind of person who likes the bedroom pitch black to sleep but it doesn't happen as he is always on his phone and we have an adaptor plug with a light on it so I should consider one anyway. I can't complain about that as I use my phone and iPad at night too but the light on is another level and hopefully a one off.

@Pearlyclouds I agree. I think the most not point in his favour is I fell asleep in the DC room so was gone three hours but, again, he had no reason to insist on keeping the light on when I came back as he didn't need it.

From early on in the thread:
The only thing he's said this morning was to ask if I'm going out and when. I just said quite soon and he said good and went back to bed.

I am just gobsmacked. He said "good"? And he went BACK TO BED?
He is not a good partner or father OP, I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better. Being on your own is better. Be strong, good luck OP x

Start doing it back to him until you leave him. Tell him to stop nagging every time he asks you something.

He’s a dick.

Urgh, I’ve just read the rest of the thread.

“I'm embarrassed about what goes on and what I put up with”

This statement is everything. You know what to do, just leave the bastard.