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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to expect DH to turn of light at 3:30 AM?

69 replies

NUtowanttosleep · 03/02/2024 09:23

DC woke up at around 11:30 last night. I went in and fell asleep, waking again at around 3:30 am. I went back to our bed and DH was awake watching TV on his phone and had the lamp on next to his bed. As I was walking to my side of the bed I asked DH to turn off the lamp off. He said no. I asked again for him to please turn the light off as it's half 3 and I want to sleep. He said he was there first and I can't expect to walk in a room and get my own way. I admit I did argue about it as I was a bit surprised he wouldn't just turn it off. It is not as if he was reading and needed the light. I also didn't buy the "I was here first" argument as we were both in bed but I was just the one to get up when DC woke up. I was really peed off with him as I actually think it's just nasty and controlling to refuse when he doesn't need the light and I wanted to sleep. By the way I suggested I'd do it myself and he said he'd put it back on again. I put my head under the duvet and tried to sleep but then DC woke up again and I went to sleep in there.

OP posts:
1Step2Step · 03/02/2024 09:42

I guess it’s time to turn on all the lights and make as much noise as possible when you get up in the morning …

Lucy377 · 03/02/2024 09:42

"He does have form for being difficult and usually I don't question it as I know he can be unreasonable"

So he's selfish and aggressive then.

No wonder you don't want to tackle him.

You go along with what he wants because he gives you a hard time over it, so he's trained you to keep your mouth shut.

Of course he should have turned the light off.
He could go to the sitting room if he wants lights on.

Have you a spare room?
Better still another house.

It's so hard for women with kids, because if their husband is a selfish pig, the mother doesn't want to risk an argument with the kids there.

I'd address it in the cold light of day, if there's a time that the kids aren't in earshot.

Original poster
NUtowanttosleep · 03/02/2024 09:47

@Willmafrockfit Double end for toddler was because I used to have to be in bed with them to fall asleep and I when he wakes so is an alternative to them coming into our bed and means I can leave once they're asleep.

@DelphiniumBlue I thought about this too. I thought about just taking DC straight into our bed tonight!

I was planning to take DC out somewhere today anyway to have some fun so I still plan to do that and get away from DH.

@Chocladore No be very rarely drinks. He has smoked a lot of weed but has given up weed and smoking recently so this could be why he is being worse.

@Workawayxx It's not out of character no. I was surprised when he first said no and then argued about it but then I thought about it and realised it is entirely within character for him to argue about something that most people would have no issue with and that wouldn't have affected him anyway.

If he had been reading and need r the light I can understand me suddenly coming in and wanting the light off would be annoying but switching off the light didn't affect what he was doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
NUtowanttosleep · 03/02/2024 09:51

@Lucy377 Yes there is an element of this. I definitely do speak up sometimes but often just leave things for a calm home. so for example I'm not going to start something about last night but then that's mainly because I told him last night what I thought and he clearly didn't accept he was wrong. He won't accept it today either. I spend less time trying to persuade him when he's totally on the wrong as there is no reasoning with him. I also am so peed off with him that I don't want to speak to him.

It's fine for him as when we argue he just has a day off! He'll be in bed all day if he feels like it!

OP posts:
BarelyCoping123 · 03/02/2024 09:52

Bloody hell OP, what a total dick you are married to! WTF gives him the right to act like such a prick? This one incident may not be LTB territory, but if this is his general attitude, it won't be long until you'll be there

Haydenn · 03/02/2024 09:56

Speak with a solicitor just to get an understanding of your options. If you are earning more than him I would suspect he is intentionally keeping you ground down to keep you trapped. Most family lawyers will give you a free hour first off. Just have a chat with a couple

Gowlett · 03/02/2024 09:56

You could be describing my DH. The slightest thing… Never in the wrong. Sometimes, I go out too to get away from him.

Evaka · 03/02/2024 10:00

You poor thing OP. He behaves as if he hates you rather than loves you. I know divorce is daunting but he's a cruel, horrible person and no one deserves to be treated like this.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2024 10:06

NUtowanttosleep · 03/02/2024 09:25

He does have form for being difficult and usually I don't question it as I know he can be unreasonable but he was so adamant last night that I wanted to ask the question. Go easy please Mumsnet.

I think you need to look at why you stay in this marriage. Yet another completely disrespectful and horrible husband. I can't understand what value there is in being married if it's to a partner like this.

MassiveOvaryaction · 03/02/2024 10:13

You weren't being unreasonable. He's a bell end. If you really can't face divorce and toddler has a double bed I'd move in there. You shouldn't have to but your 'd'h isn't going to change.

RandomMess · 03/02/2024 10:23

Please don't stay with an abusive man. You and your poor DC living like that.

It's likely the house will have to be sold etc. Please see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row before saying anything. It's clear he will get nasty. You need a solicitor that gets good outcomes for people in your situation.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 03/02/2024 10:27

He sounds awful OP. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is a normal relationship. I get that divorce seems daunting, but go take some advice. If you know the marriage is doomed, the sooner you sort it, the sooner you don't have to put up with his shit (and get to sleep in a dark bedroom!)

Bluenotgreen · 03/02/2024 10:29

Oh bless you OP he sounds awful.

I know it must seem overwhelming to think of leaving him but your life would be so much better.

As you have your own money why don’t you get some legal advice so you know where would stand if/when you decide to separate? You don’t have to act on that advice immediately but you will feel empowered.

I suspect you will far better off than you imagine if you split.

jeaux90 · 03/02/2024 10:30

Please divorce him.

Your kids are being taught an abusive and unhealthy relationship dynamic.

You deserve a happy and peaceful life.

I can tell you as a lone parent my life is a lot more peaceful and easy without an arsehole of a man in it.

CoffeeCup14 · 03/02/2024 10:30

Are you talking to anyone about this in real life? A friend or a family member? Could you contact a local women's support organisation or find out what is available locally?

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to leave him and you don't have to get a divorce. But it sounds like this is a pattern of behaviour rather than a one-off. If you can work out what your options are with someone else (for example, if you were on your own, how much Universal Credit would you get, and how far would that go?) you are more able to decide what you want to do. And it's really helpful to have someone giving you a different view on your husband's behaviour - you can get very used to what you live with and it's in his interests for you to believe he's being reasonable.

You just deserve to have space to work out what you want and to be happy and respected.

Universalsnail · 03/02/2024 10:31

He is being a massive dick. If he wants to watch TV he can do it anywhere that isn't the bedroom.

pictoosh · 03/02/2024 10:38

Yes he's selfish and enjoys tormenting you. Then he punishes you for your normal human reaction of being upset.
Absolute wanker.

SparklingCyanide · 03/02/2024 10:38

abusive dicks all follow a surprisingly similar pattern of behaviour. I was married to one and realised what he was from posting on here. I eventually escaped but my kids are still healing from his emotional abuse. The earlier you leave, the better for your dc.

Original poster
NUtowanttosleep · 03/02/2024 10:38

@Evaka Thats exactly it. He behaves like he doesn't like me. I don't like him but it's because of its horrible behaviour. I've tried to address it and discuss like a rational person but it gets me nowhere. He either doesn't accept he's wrong or goes back on what he's agreed.

@MassiveOvaryaction Bedtime isn't usually an issue and I don't want to move out of my room but something needs to change.

@Gowlett How long have things been this way for you? Do you plan to stay in the marriage? I'm starting to go down this route but strangely it's a fairly new approach. I was reluctant to do my own thing before whereas now I have got used to this feeling (unfortunately) and I'm trying not to have it ruin my day so often. Before I might have relied on DH to come out with us but now I'm happy just to leave him to it.

There isn't much good there. He's not supportive. I don't consider him a friend. We don't do much together. Mostly he makes life harder. But I worry how things will work with the DC if we split. He has an older child who he's just stopped paying CSM for and I know he doesn't want to do it again. He's indicated he'd seek to have DC with him all the time but can't see how he would get that!

OP posts:
Original poster
NUtowanttosleep · 03/02/2024 10:41

@CoffeeCup14 I don't speak to anyone in real life as honestly I'm embarrassed about what goes on and what I put up with. People who know me in real life would be shocked I think.

In terms of UC I assumed I would not get anything when I earn over £60K working four days. I'm not even entitled to child benefit. I'd like to keep this house but not sure how the cost would work. I assume he'd either have DC 50% and then pay half of childcare costs or have them less and pay CSM and if pay childcare fees. Not that it's about money but of course it's a consideration as is that initial
period if I initiate divorce.

OP posts:
SparklingCyanide · 03/02/2024 10:42

My abusive ex told me I was welcome to leave but he would never let the kids go. This was bullshit. The courts were very sympathetic to me and had clearly seen it all before. Write down all his behaviour (pw protected!) and read it all at once. It will shock you I’m sure. My greatest regret is not leaving sooner, for my kids’ sake more than my own.

SparklingCyanide · 03/02/2024 10:44

Also once you start divorce, he will get nasty and play dirty, so don’t go into it trying to making things pleasant. He’ll take advantage. You’re in a good position and one day will look back with amazement and relief at your escape and what you went through.

Bluenotgreen · 03/02/2024 10:50

SparklingCyanide · 03/02/2024 10:44

Also once you start divorce, he will get nasty and play dirty, so don’t go into it trying to making things pleasant. He’ll take advantage. You’re in a good position and one day will look back with amazement and relief at your escape and what you went through.

Totally agree. I waited far too long because I was scared.

You are assuming what the outcomes would be OP. See a solicitor and get some qualified guidance. I work in legal sector (not family law) and there are local variations around how the courts view situations. For example, in my area, there is a reluctance to award pension sharing orders, and judges will award a higher share of equity or other assets to offset pensions wherever possible. In other places, pension sharing is the first recourse. So you can’t rely on anecdotal info from randoms here, no matter how well meaning we all are 😍

Gowlett · 03/02/2024 10:53

Your situation sounds so similar to mine, NU.
I knew what he was like after three months.

Almost got divorced after 10 years together.
He’s getting help, but I don’t have much hope.

DS (age 3) is my main concern, not myself.
It will be hard, but I’d be happy just me & him.

MassiveOvaryaction · 03/02/2024 10:54

Mostly he makes life harder

What would you advise someone if you read that?

You really don't have to live like that @NUtowanttosleep Flowers

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