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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel like I’m going mad

28 replies

Kmk91 · 03/02/2024 09:10

Hi everyone sorry for the long post. I don’t know if ibu or in the right here so could really appreciate some advice as I don’t want to confide in family or friends about this. I’m with DP 3 years now. We have a beautiful 4 month old daughter and he has two lovely children from his previous marriage. Before our dd arrived I did most of the house work made breakfast lunch and dinner for him and his two kids washing cleaning shopping etc. since dd I haven’t had as much time to do everything I was doing before but I’m really trying my best. But it’s not enough for dp. He gets very frustrated if I don’t have lunch or dinner ready for him and kids even though he sees me feeding dd or cleaning house. He keeps telling me it’s the way modern women are now a days and that’s just me. He also keeps informing me that his ex wife never stopped after having kids but I feel I’m the exact same and he just doesn’t see it. He told me in the past he would take the two kids on weekend mornings so ex could have a lie in but when I ask him he tells he does a enough and I wanted a baby so I should be taking her in the mornings. He tells me as well that because I’m not working now (maternity leave) that I have no reason to be tired.He doesn’t help with night feeds or in general anything to do regarding the baby. He is now taking his two kids abroad next week for mid term. DD passport hasn’t arrived so we’re staying at home. I don’t mind about that I’m almost happy to have a break from him which I feel terrible about. He gets frustrated very easily and shouts at me putting me down. He shouts at me in front of his kids and I feel they are different around me recently.

Sorry for the long post. I just feel I’ve no one to talk to about this. I feel like I’m going crazy and a horrible person.

OP posts:
pootlin · 03/02/2024 09:13

I would leave him, OP. He is abusive and an arsehole.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2024 09:14

Take your baby and get the hell away from this abusive man. Now you know why he is divorced.

PonyPatter44 · 03/02/2024 09:15

He sounds revolting and frankly nasty. I bet his wonderful ex would have a rather different version of events.

Tell him to sod off and take his kids with him. I should not be surprised if he got with you originally so you could look after his kids for him.

Pigeonqueen · 03/02/2024 09:16

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2024 09:14

Take your baby and get the hell away from this abusive man. Now you know why he is divorced.

This.

breakfastdinnerandtea · 03/02/2024 09:23

It's how modern women are nowadays? Did he grow up in the 1800s? He should probably take his attitude back there.

He sounds awful. If his ex was so much better then why did they split in the first place? He's probably lying about taking his kids in the morning so she could have a lie in too. Men like this don't change.

BarrelOfOtters · 03/02/2024 09:26

do you have anyone you and your baby could go and stay with?

Nttttt · 03/02/2024 09:36

He sounds abusive and like a neglectful husband.

A real man does not treat his wife like this.

I’m currently full term pregnancy and have been on maternity leave since 25 weeks due to SPD. We have no kids to look after yet, I literally do nothing but grow a baby. I am SO appreciative as my partner works full time, still does a fair share of the housework, makes me breakfast most mornings if I haven’t already and wakes me with a cup of tea if he’s off to work. I get a massage every night! He understands the pain I am in everyday just trying to get through pregnancy. Women are so incredible, you just made and gave birth to a beautiful baby!

Ladies, how he treats you on mat leave with baby or without is showing as to how much he respects you and the process you have gone through to bring not just yours but HIS child into this world. A man who disrespects that is not a man, quite frankly he’s a wimp who needs babying himself.

Doyoumind · 03/02/2024 09:50

I'm guessing there wasn't much of a gap between his previous victim and you. These men seek out kind and giving women to exploit. You're not his maid. It isn't your job to cook and clean for him or his DC. He criticises you to keep you in your place and so you think you have to try harder. Don't believe what he says. Leave and build a better life for you and your baby.

Caroparo52 · 03/02/2024 09:58

Sounds horrendous situation OP.
Sorry you are in it.
He's a gas lighting lazy selfish arsehole.
Not a loving life partner.
You are the unpaid maid and child minder not a DP.
Make your escape plan and forge a better life for you and DC asap

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/02/2024 10:01

If you're in the UK, speak to Women's Aid. Him being away next week would be a perfect time for the pair of you to escape without fear of him suddenly walking in through the door.

Merryoldgoat · 03/02/2024 10:02

He’s abusing you. You need to get away from him OP.

GN637 · 03/02/2024 10:11

When he's away take the opportunity to get your paperwork in order and file for divorce. He's abusive and will bring nothing to your life but misery. If there's somewhere else you can go then be gone by the time he gets back.

Kmk91 · 03/02/2024 11:26

Thank you for all the replies. It means so much. I feel like I’ve been going mad and just a disappointment for a while now. I know the best thing to do is leave. We live in a beautiful house in a very good area. I know leaving will mean moving to an area within my budget if it means I’ll have some piece of mind it’s the right thing to do especially for dd.

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 03/02/2024 11:52

Yeah the guy is a cunt.

BCBird · 03/02/2024 11:57

He is an ass hole. U were too accommodating before having your child. Enjoy the week he is away. Reflect on what you want.

Snowdropsarecoming · 03/02/2024 12:00

“He also keeps informing me that his ex wife never stopped after having kids.” And this is very probably why she left time.

Morecatsarebetter · 03/02/2024 12:01

If his ex was so great tell him to fuck off back to her

KTheGrey · 03/02/2024 12:04

Does he have full custody of his first two DC?

Kmk91 · 03/02/2024 12:08

He has them 3 nights a week.

OP posts:
PennyNotWise · 03/02/2024 12:14

You poor thing, he sounds utterly horrible. Do you have family you could stay with for a while?

ChocoChocoLatte · 03/02/2024 12:16

Well isn't he a prince amongst men. Clear to see where his priorities lie and it isn't you.

Sorry OP but if this how he treats you are your most vulnerable, he'll only get worse Flowers

Kmk91 · 03/02/2024 13:19

Yes I could go to my parents. I feel physically sick about telling them any of this. I feel like a failure. He’s saying today that he thinks he’s suffering with anxiety. That just makes it harder to leave.

OP posts:
samqueens · 03/02/2024 14:02

Oh OP 💐💐💐💐💐
Please, please know that this is not your failure and that you do have the ability to build a life away from this man. the earlier you do it the less time he will have to claw his way into your brain and decimate your will and self esteem. You are NOT going mad.

The measure of success if not everything going ‘right’ but how you handle things going wrong… sometimes even just getting out of bed every morning is a measure of success. So please try not to judge yourself - it isn’t you it is him.

I think you’d really benefit from reading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (best to read in private, you can download on kindle or Apple Books). It’s really compassionate and will make you feel less crazy, I promise you.

It’s not a long read, and I think will help you clarify where you go from here. Please don’t wait in the hopes HE will change - you can’t control what he does, only what you do so start with that.

Good luck 💐

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2024 14:09

Kmk91 · 03/02/2024 13:19

Yes I could go to my parents. I feel physically sick about telling them any of this. I feel like a failure. He’s saying today that he thinks he’s suffering with anxiety. That just makes it harder to leave.

He is trying to keep you tied to him, make you feel obligated to save him. Just say to yourself “modern men need to learn to cope” and move home to your parents.

KTheGrey · 03/02/2024 14:10

I would have a full and frank discussion with the ex wife. Then you will be able to confirm this is a pattern.

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