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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend prioritising themselves

28 replies

Justcallmesarah · 02/02/2024 18:46

Hello,

I'm really hoping to get other views on "friends openly saying they are prioritising themselves".

For context, I have a friend for maybe 10 years or so, who is the type of person that is always on a diet, watching alcohol consumption, has a life coach, therapist, PT and other people I'm sure.

Now while I'm absolutely all for taking time for yourself and not stretching yourself too thin I feel at what point does "prioritising themselves" just translate to I'm only going to do what I want to do under the ruse of prioritising themselves.

Couple of scenarios.

Her bf had a family wedding she was invited to the hen do, however it was a bit of money, as these things always are, she wasn't keen on the do itself so she declined to go but set up another WhatsApp group creating another hen do that she felt was better and suited more.

Another was I was 8 months pregnant and we went to dinner. I got very bad news at 20 week scan, our baby had to have open heart surgery when born. Id ask d to meet for coffee a few times during pregnancy, always meet with I'm so chocca but if you need anything just shout. I asked if we could go to a bar before dinner as I wasn't out much and wanted a change of venue. She wasn't keen and said her bf was working so they would meet us at the restaurant. I said no worries. My partner and I went for a mocktail before and went to meet them at the restaurant, where we were greeted with, Omg so lovely to see you I'm on my second champagne 🤔 apparently they found time to have a drink before.

End of meal again I asked if we could go for a drink, again not keen on leaving the restaurant so said they could stay for a drink at the restaurant bar. So at 8 plus mths pregnant I was trying to sit at a bar on a bar stool. I was and still am so cross about this.

Fast forward to my 40th birthday meal which was a few months ago. Invited her to an intimate family dinner, she says she'll be there for food but is not going to drink much and will leave after dinner. Again I say that's grand a shame as it would have been nice to have a few drinks and celebrate my birthday and the crappy pregnancy I had but accepted it. Day of the meal my hairdresser had run late so I let her know and changed the reservation for 30 mins later, she said she was already in the city so would have to fill time but would be great if we could get there earlier. Gets to meal time and she arrives absolutely SMASHED, she had a 121 with her manager that started at 2pm (table booked at 7:30pm) and had been drinking since they met. Despite her saying she wasn't drinking.

Conversation input touches on how she gets annoyed at my timekeeping, she feels that my partner is always annoyed with her when she comes over and makes a big song and dance about the fact I tried some of her food (bite of burger)when she was finished and put it back on her plate after. Probably not great table etiquette granted. However I wouldn't have personally made a scene about it.

Sooo with some nip shots up there, I would like to hear from anyone 😂 am I being unreasonable, or indeed self involved? I just feel she will only do what suits her needs and after ten years of listening to this I need to look after myself and prioritise myself I'm just getting a bit sick of it.

I will say she was very helpful when our baby was having open heart surgery and did help us with dog sitting, which I'm ever so thankful for as it was a huge help. So she does have good points, I'm just really conflicted about this one x

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 02/02/2024 18:49

She organised a rival hen do?!

TreesWelliesKnees · 02/02/2024 18:52

I think you should prioritise yourself OP.

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/02/2024 18:55

You sound really annoying OP.

BrightLightTonight · 02/02/2024 19:10

Sorry - I got bored of reading. If you don’t like her then stop meeting up, otherwise accept her shortcomings.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/02/2024 19:12

She helped you out when your baby was unwell and took care of your dog for you. That doesn’t sound like somebody who prioritises themselves to the exclusion of anyone else.

I’m not sure what relevance the anger over a bar stool has. Why didn’t you say it was uncomfortable and move to a lower table? If you didn’t say anything and just sat there like a lemon how on earth was she supposed to know? That’s just reaping the consequences of being daft.

TheSnowyOwl · 02/02/2024 19:15

If that’s all you’ve got over a decade then I think you are trying to find fault whereas most people would just let those things go. To still be annoyed about sitting on a bar stool because you were pregnant, when you presumably decided against saying you weren’t prepared to sit on it is odd. You can’t hold a grudge when you didn’t say your objections and then expect people to think that person is being unreasonable.

If you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, don’t be.

I hope your baby is doing well now but very bad news at a scan isn’t about surgery when born.

QueenBean22 · 02/02/2024 19:21

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with prioritising yourself, so she is fine to do that in my opinion.

It just all sounds very odd behaviour all round

FourLeggedBuckers · 02/02/2024 19:22

People should prioritise themselves and their needs, so if the dynamic is bothering you, you should definitely try to protect yourself.

That said, this doesn’t sound like a clear cut self-serving friend issue - looking after the dog and being useful when your child was born and then unwell are evidence she isn’t selfish and self serving.

I’d also say that she isn’t obliged to go to bars or wherever just because you want to - she wanted to stay in one place, you didn’t. She advocated for herself, you capitulated to that. It’s not necessarily a right or wrong situation- you didn’t have to stay for drinks, you could have gone elsewhere with your partner instead.

Offcom · 02/02/2024 19:27

I do hope things worked out well for your baby.

Honestly, I envy your friend as she sounds like she strikes a good balance between being genuinely helpful without being a doormat who goes along with everyone else when it doesn't suit her.

Chocolatepuffery · 02/02/2024 19:29

I too am confused about the hen do example?

It doesnt sound that bad to me, and yes it seems that when life gets real (ill baby) she's there. Do you perhaps resent her for doing as she pleases around social events because you are more of a people pleaser?

coldcallerbaiter · 02/02/2024 19:36

it is correct to prioritise yourself but not call the shots all the time in friend groups.

I shut down anyone that tries to domineer friendships. Everyone should get a chance to be the organiser or give their suggestion for a venue or idea.

fuckssaaaaake · 02/02/2024 19:40

Can't believe you had to sit on a bar stool of all things.

fuckssaaaaake · 02/02/2024 19:40

Sorry that was a bit mean, but you're being unreasonable and dramatic. Let it go

illbethereforyouuuu · 02/02/2024 20:05

Some of it I empathise with, but other bits I don't think you're really putting yourself in her shoes at all.

You invited her to an 'intimate family dinner' to celebrate your 40th? Personally I'd hate that. I have a friend who does that to me (lives abroad) and invites me along to her personal family gatherings and I tag along like a third wheel to them so I can relate to her putting a boundary on how long she was going to be there.

Then you were late because you prioritised your hair, so...

Bkjahshue · 02/02/2024 20:12

Only you can decide if her annoying traits outway her good ones. Maybe just don’t agree to things that don’t suit you even if it means not seeing her.

NaughtybutNice77 · 02/02/2024 21:20

I don't think we would ever be friends. You sound very needy and a bit passive aggressive. Not one example (are these the best) is anyone being unreasonable with the exception of possibly being drunk after having a run in with her boss (if she was poor/irritating company).
She didn't want to continue drinking when out on your 4some but compromised by having one more in the restaurant. You didn't like the stool but likely sat seething and said nothing.
I bet her hen do went ahead and was better.
She just sounds a bit more assertive than you. Youd be better off working on your own boundaries rather than trying to break down or slate hers.
Interestingly the hens that deflected or your partner and hers seem to get a free pass. What was your OH doing when you were perched on your uncomfortable stool?

Mummyofbananas · 02/02/2024 21:22

Other than the hen do thing nothing else sounds that bad.
She might have had her first champagne at home, or in the restaurant waiting on you. Turning up drunk to the meal isn't great but she was out with her manager and sometimes you get carried away, I'd let her away with that one.
It just sounds a bit like you're different people at different life stages from this unless there's other examples.

CmonScotland · 02/02/2024 21:26

The hen do thing needs more explanation. Other than that I'd say you sound fairly well matched.

illbethereforyouuuu · 02/02/2024 21:32

Also, can I just clarify what you meant in your OP by "nip shots" here, please?

"Sooo with some nip shots up there"

I thought nip shots were like topless photos. Did you mean to post that?

1offnamechange · 02/02/2024 21:34

rival hen do - on the face of it this sounds very weird and rude of her 9although not clear how it affected you in any way?) and yes does paint her badly although there could be mitigating circumstances. i.e. a friend of mine's MOH invited a lot of people to her hen do but it was in the place where she grew up which was miles away from where she lives now, so a second friend organised a 'local' hen do for her too, which I suppose could be described as organising a second "rival" hen if you wanted to make 2nd friend sound unpleasant, but was accepted as perfectly fine, indeed welcomed by bride and MOH (and local friends).

dinner - honestly can't see anything she did wrong here. She didn't say she was short on time, just she didn't fancy meeting you beforehand so no idea why there was anything wrong with her having a drink with her boyfriend. If you didn't want to sit on a bar stool you could have either said, 'no, if you want to stay here lets stay on a comfy seat at a table,' or said 'no worries, if you don't want to go somewhere else I'll call it a night.' You wanted her to stay out, she did to please you, you're being ridiculous to blame her for the types of seats that were available!

40th bday- odd of you to invite her to an intimate family gathering and annoying of you to have pushed back the time at extreme last notice. However also very weird of her to have been drinking during a work 1-1!

Basically you both sound a bit annoying, and as though you don't like one another that much!

NotARealWookiie · 02/02/2024 21:39

You just don’t sound a great fit. People are allowed to say no when they don’t want to do things.

illbethereforyouuuu · 02/02/2024 21:42

Does she have a drink problem btw? I say that because you mention the whole 'watching her alcohol consumption' , not going to drink then turning up totally smashed stuff.

If that's the case stop trying to make yourself the main character in her life issues. It's not about you.

Original poster
Justcallmesarah · 02/02/2024 21:43

Thanks for all your responses. I definitely think I'm overthinking and being too sensitive. Some excellent responses in there 🤣👌

OP posts:
illbethereforyouuuu · 02/02/2024 21:44

Justcallmesarah · 02/02/2024 21:43

Thanks for all your responses. I definitely think I'm overthinking and being too sensitive. Some excellent responses in there 🤣👌

and the nip shots?

PrawnDumplings · 02/02/2024 21:46

The rival hen do is unreasonable.
I can't be arsed to try snd understand the rest.
If you don't like her then don't hang out with her.

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