DH and Money

[Glittering1]

I have been a SAHM for few years now and have suffered with ill health. I have just recently started a part time job, three days a week. My DH started a new job last September and took a major paycut. He would give me 200 a week. I also received an illness payment. DH has now said that seen as I'm back working he won't be giving me the 200 a week, that's fair enough. I did say that's fine but I would like the 800 put into a joint savings account every month. He doesn't want to do this, wants to keep the 800 in his account. Just to be clear the lists below have been this way for years. This is what we both pay for:

DH
Mortgage
Bins
Internet/TV
Kids Sports Fees
Clothes/shoes for kids

Me
Groceries
Car tax
Car insurance
House insurance
Gas/Electricity
Kids mobiles
Kids school trips
Diesel for car
Clothes /shoes for kids

We both put money towards Christmas and Birthday presents.

That's the same for us.

Our wages all go into one joint bank account. I'm on a very good wage BUT my DH earns far more than I do. I do all the banking. I transfer the money to cover the mortgage and bills into the other joint account , then put some into the savings accounts and then the rest we just use for whatever we want.

All this separation of finances is very alien to me and I think it is very unfair. I don't think it is healthy, at all. I'm sorry OP. You deserve better.

We have always had separate bank accounts. We are together 25 years married for 16. At the start we would save my wages and live of his. This enabled us to buy our first home at 23 and subsequently the house we are in now. When I was unable to work I had no income for a while. Then when I qualified for my illness payment it just went straight into my own bank. Obviously DH paid for everything until I could contribute with my payment. If I'm being honest I don't want a joint account. I'm good with money and have my own savings. I like having my own money and savings. I felt very vulnerable when I didn't have any income and never want to be in that position again so ive worked hard to get some savings behind me and have an income now.

Oh and the payment I receive is based on my contributions from when I worked. It's not a payment thst you just qualify for, you need to have a significant amount of contributions and time in the workforce.

Illness payment? ESA? PIP?
I have never ever ever understood separate money?.what do people do with it? We always put it together and everything came out if.. no matter how much we earned.. it was just there. Everything got paid. If l or children needed new stuff we bought it.. holidays just bought them.
So no good asking me.. even my own daughter did this.

Why do your payments cost more than his and he earns more money and will increase his earnings over time.

We still have our own accounts but work out an allowance for everything and pay a contribution towards that. I insist on always paying half of the mortgage so there is no ambiguity that it is half mine and as my earnings are less and I do more childcare he then naturally pays for other things more

He needs to pay more. Then you both get equal savings.

Do you earn less, you pay more, and you do more in the household?
why do you put up with it?

This...

He's stitched you up like a kipper as my uncle used to say...

@KreedKafer yes and pay the full amount back in a tax self assessment which I assume the husband is not doing otherwise that is pointless?

What is it with families not having joint accounts that you are both paid into and all bills come out of? Then separate pocket money put into your own personal accounts to spend on what you wish?

yes he may earn more but that’s because you’re doing more childcare/housework.

I will never understand people who are happy to have children with someone but refuse to be a team financially.

We don't live in the UK. Different rules.

You’re married you’re a team just put all money into one pot. I will never understand couples that don’t share their finances.

We pooled our wages from Day 1 of our marriage. Our money. I can't stand the unwillingness to share. Even when I was a SAHM, DH's wages went into the joint account. He valued the work I did to raise our kids, even though it was unpaid.

You’re both being a bit unreasonable by trying to muddle through finances this way without any strict & agreed plan.

In a marriage, and a family, it really should be one pot, everyone’s wages go into there and all of the bills etc come out of there, whatevers left can either be left there and both spend from it OR it gets divided by 2 and you both get half to spend as you wish.

If you don’t want to do that, then you need some kind of proper agreement.

I think in general if the only reason he was sending you the £200 was because you weren’t working and you now are working, then it’s not unreasonable of him to keep that money now as if it’s purpose was to support you while unemployed then it no longer serves that purpose and so he can have that part of his income back. I wouldn’t have assumed that he would continue to save that £800 or give it to you with no discussion.

You should all be sharing money OR at the very least you should be working out proportionately what bills to pay so that both of you are left with the same amount of “fun” money.

My DH paid for everything and gave me 200 a week for myself, even though I was receiving my own payment. The 200 was his way of appreciating my work in the home.

Well then I think considering he has taken in your words a “major pay cut”, and you are now working 3 days per week, it’s surely expected that he wouldn’t be giving this £800 anymore?

@Glittering1 Whether you pool your money or not into a joint bank account, in the eyes of the law in pretty much every English-speaking country you are married, and all your assets are joint. For example if you were to initiate a divorce then all bank accounts property, pensions etc. would be considered joint martial assets. So your husband keeping his earnings separate from you is ridiculous, it is your money too, you are married. Unfortunately he sounds like a dinosaur from the 1950s, I expect he is normalized to this now, but it is not normal.

I do wish people would say straight off if they're not in the UK. It would save everyone talking about child benefit, welfare/ disability benefits etc, that have absolutely no bearing on the OPs situation.

I have more savings than him. I don't want a joint current account because I think I could end up worse of.

so you don’t want a joint current account because you want to protect yourself financially, but you want him to put £800 into a shared joint savings?

You can’t have it both ways. You either pool finances/bills/savings, or you don’t.

If you were getting child benefit in the UK on two children, the way you've shared out payments means he gets to keep 63% or his money, and you get to keep 48%, or, in money terms, he keeps £2600 to your £1459.

He might make the counterargument that he works 5 days and you 3, so ou should have only 3/5 of his spending money, ie £1560, but for that argument to be holding any water, household work should be split evenly. If you're doing more around the house because you work shorter hours, you're entitled to as much spending money as him.

You could have a joint account for household expenses in addition to whatever sole accounts you have.

He's roughly paying £1400 and your roughly paying £1600. You earn a lot less than him. That is not fair. I'm sick of reading threads about men who financially abuse their wives.

You are a legal team (marriage contract), but you are not acting like one. Your savings are also part of the marital assets. I'm assuming from your previous posts that you are careful with money (hence the greater savings) and he is not. The way you have both dealt with this up to now, is to have you receive essentially an allowance from him that he will not spend (and you can save), whereas he has free reign to spend his other earnings as he sees fit (after paying household bills etc). The reality is, when he spends his other earnings he is spending family money, not his money. There is no "your money" and "his money" in the eyes of the law, but you are both pretending that this is the case. This is why most married couples have joint accounts and then agree how much discretionary individual spending they will do each month. I expect if you did this, you would realize he spends far more of the teams money on himself, than you do on yourself. In an equal partnership this would be discussed and likely changed as it is clearly unfair. The work you did as a SAHM is as valuable as his work, he shouldn't get to spend more on himself, unless you explicitly agree to it, and vice versa.

Why are you paying higher monthly household outgoings than him, when your income is lower than his?