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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Checking in on your kids during the evening…

47 replies

Jessforless · 01/02/2024 23:14

So for background, I have kids and the oldest is 13…

We had couple friends over tonight because they’re passing through and although a school night, it’s the only night they could do. Also I’m a little bit ‘it’s Thursday, if anyone is tired it’s only one work day to get through’ 😂

DH has just argued he was not that pleased that I left dinner twice to check on the kids, and that I then left during chatting after dinner to check again.

My argument - my mum once said to me that when we stay, she still can’t help listening if she gets up in the night to her adult children! So it’s just natural to do this. DH says you don’t need to check on kids 5 plus and shouldn’t pop out of a dinner for it…

AIBU in this? They’re not newborns, they’re not toddlers, but do you ever stop checking on your children?

OP posts:
Wafflethewonderdoggy · 01/02/2024 23:16

What are you checking for exactly?
unless one of the Dc is unwell, or you live in a massive house where you wouldn’t hear them if they called out then I do think it’s a bit unusual and a bit rude to your guests.

PetaPip · 01/02/2024 23:18

I haven't stopped yet and mine are 12 and 10! I have often wondered if I'm a bit abnormal in that though...

MaloneMeadow · 01/02/2024 23:18

Can’t say I’ve ever felt the need to check on DD at that age! If she had a big problem she knows that she can shout or text/ring me. What are you envisioning happening to them?

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 01/02/2024 23:19

Isn't your mother afraid of ending up inadvertently eavesdropping on some, er, rather personal moments when she listens outside your room?!

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 01/02/2024 23:19

I’d go up once to tuck them in and then leave it. Unless of course they then negotiated a later bedtime a which point I’d have to go back up to check.

I don’t check in on them for no reason.

Gur · 01/02/2024 23:19

YABU. I agree with your husband, they don't need checking on. They're in the same house, not halfway down the road.
I never checked on my adult kids when they were in bed, nor did anyone else I know, that's just strange.
If I had been your guest I would have thought you were barking for doing that.

SgtJuneAckland · 01/02/2024 23:19

I would check but not in the middle of dinner. If I needed the loo I'd use the one upstairs and stick my head in to make sure sleeping not carnage was going on. What is it you're checking for?

NewName24 · 01/02/2024 23:19

As pp, I can't understand what you are checking for Confused
If, in the unlikely event they were ill or had a nightmare or whatever, they would come and find you, surely ? Or, alternatively call out ?

YABU. Your dh is right. Quite rude to keep removing yourself from the guests for no reason.

Pinkyponker · 01/02/2024 23:20

Yea I think it's a bit much sorry.
I check in on mine when I go to bed and also shut their bedroom door (for fire safety) but other than that they're old enough to come find me or shout if they wake up and need me.

minipie · 01/02/2024 23:21

I’d check once maybe to make sure they’d gone to sleep. More than that is a bit OTT, especially missing time with friends to do it.

Moier · 01/02/2024 23:22

I'm with you.. l always checked on mine.. just nipping to loo.. did a check.. adverts on telly did a check.
After dinner before desert did a check..
Make sure their duvet was on.. they hadn't rolled and fallen out of bed... they were sound asleep and not awake scared etc.

DiscoBeat · 01/02/2024 23:22

Being a school night yes I would, to check they were on task for getting to bed on time. And if younger than 10 I would be checking anyway, I wouldn't leave them for an entire evening without checking in.

Starlightstarbright3 · 01/02/2024 23:22

At that age probably put my head round the door - throw cover on if necessary . He is 16 now so not now . I am in bed first

nadine90 · 01/02/2024 23:28

How old is the youngest? I’ve not checked on them since they were toddlers really. Only a quick head round the door as I’m going to bed myself (or I wouldn’t sleep!)

Poppyseed14 · 01/02/2024 23:33

You must have looked like a right lunatic OP leaving a meal TWICE to check on a 13 year old in their own bed. What were you checking for?

mdinbc · 01/02/2024 23:38

Yes, I think that's very odd. At first I thought you went out for dinner with friends and called to check on kids at home. In that case once would have been enough.

Checking on your children when they are in a different room, that's helicopter parenting, sorry.

mollyfolk · 01/02/2024 23:40

I check once to see if they are asleep/put covers back on and once before I go to bed. I have 3 kids aged 5 to 12. I probably wouldn’t leave during a dinner but what harm if you do. We’re they all asleep or were the older ones up?

i’m just fascinated you weren’t interrupted. The kids wouldn’t go to bed with people in the house.

Mandie74 · 01/02/2024 23:42

Are you checking them to make sure they are still asleep? Or to make certain that lights are out as instructed etc?

PerfectTravelTote · 01/02/2024 23:42

So what if you left the room twice. Checking on them can't have taken more than a minute. Unless you were gone for a long period of time it's a ridiculous thing for your husband to be annoyed over. Would he be annoyed if you left to go to the toilet?

0rangeCrush · 01/02/2024 23:46

I check on my kids maybe once in the evening. They go to bed between 7 and 8. The bigger one sits up reading for a bit afterwards. I probably check about 9 and then I nip in on my way to bed at like, 11-11:30.

Original poster
Jessforless · 01/02/2024 23:49

Yes very quick, we don’t live in a huge house. I just popped up the stairs to see if they were asleep and say ‘go to sleep’ if they weren’t.

I would say I was up and downstairs in less time than it would take to go to the loo.

OP posts:
fuckssaaaaake · 01/02/2024 23:51

My kids are 3 and 5 and if I have friends over I might just peek when i go to the loo but that's it. I guess because I know they'll come down if they need me. No one's answer to this is right by the way. We all do what we feel is right. It's not rude unless you were gone for ages, because how long does checking on them actually take?

Happycow · 01/02/2024 23:52

YABU. What it likely to happen to them that they cant either deal with themselves (duvet coming off) or call you for (feeling unwell)?

Once my two are in bed (younger one is just turned 4) i leave them to it and just poke my head around the door when i go to bed.

Your DH and guests must have thought you were making excuses to leave the room!!

TheChosenTwo · 01/02/2024 23:52

How often do you usually check on them?
It’s not something I’ve ever done if they are well and in their own beds.
They’re old enough to come and find you if they need them, it’s weird to me that you were checking on them over the course of the evening having dinner with your friends tbh.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2024 23:52

3 times checking is a bit excessive in a few hours

I always pop into dd6 before I go to bed /go to work (work nights) and kiss /stroke her hair /say I love her

She's sparko 😴😴

If she needs be she would call out /come and find us in living room /bedroom

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