Checking in on your kids during the evening…

[Jessforless]

So for background, I have kids and the oldest is 13…

We had couple friends over tonight because they’re passing through and although a school night, it’s the only night they could do. Also I’m a little bit ‘it’s Thursday, if anyone is tired it’s only one work day to get through’ 😂

DH has just argued he was not that pleased that I left dinner twice to check on the kids, and that I then left during chatting after dinner to check again.

My argument - my mum once said to me that when we stay, she still can’t help listening if she gets up in the night to her adult children! So it’s just natural to do this. DH says you don’t need to check on kids 5 plus and shouldn’t pop out of a dinner for it…

AIBU in this? They’re not newborns, they’re not toddlers, but do you ever stop checking on your children?

Her kids are teens (ish) so she's just making sure they're asleep and not on phones or earwigging or whatever when they've got school the next day. Totally reasonable to pop in to make sure of that

Yes very quick, we don’t live in a huge house.

So you'd have heard them if they were upset.
Or even if they were running about from room to room.

So no need to leave your guests and be fussing over them.

It may be excessive but I think your husband’s reaction is OTT. It’s not like it was a formal dinner entertaining work clients or something. You had a couple of mates pop round for a casual dinner and you aren’t allowed to stick your head round the kids’ bedroom door a couple of times? If you’d vanished for half an hour I could understand, but he sounds a bit controlling to me!

Er.. of course it's normal to check on them, to make sure that they're alive. I don't check to see they're asleep but to check they're breathing and comfortable and that the bed clothes haven't fallen off making them cold. Couldn't sleep without checking this before going to sleep myself. Done this ever since they were born over a decade ago. Weird for your partner to put anyone and anything before his children and also weird for him to try to make you feel bad about it.

What are you checking for? I've always just tucked them in, kissed them goodnight and turned their lights off, for them to go to sleep. That's it. I won't check them again until the morning. It's been that way since they were toddlers. I still do this with my youngest who's 11. She has her booklight to read in bed if she's not tired enough. There's no need to check on her though, she'll turn it off and go to sleep when she's tired. The teens give us a kiss goodnight when they go up and know to turn their lights off themselves and go to sleep at a reasonable time.
Unless they are ill, I don't understand what you're checking for.

You need to land your helicopter.

Checking 3 times 😳 what do you think is going to happen?

I don't think it's weird to check in on your kids. If you're leaving the table every hour to do so then maybe but once or twice through the evening is fine.

They're your kids, it is literally your job to worry about them and make sure they're ok.

Your husband's reaction seems off to me though.

@dontbesillyofcourse - I suspect many of us stick our heads round their doors on the way to bed, but that isn't what this is about.

The OP is talking about going in and out of their rooms during the evening, whilst they had guests round. Including twice in the middle of their meal.

They are of an age where they can retrieve their own bedclothes if they get cold (which is probably unlikely during the evening as presumably the house is still fairly warm, whilst the OP and her dh are entertaining_

@dontbesillyofcourse Checking on them as you go to bed is different than checking them 3+ times during the evening!

@Jessforless

once they're asleep I wouldn't check until I was on my way to bed, I don't think it's necessary.

However your DH's reaction is WAY over the top,

if I was your friend, even though it's not what I'd do, I wouldn't think much of it. ( only that IMO it's unnecessary, wouldn't think it was rude or anything).

Of course you check on them, you have a conversation with them, see that they aren't browsing dodgy sites, you parent them!

Less as they get older, but at 13, totally. I'd question why they weren't having dinner with you and your guests.

Has it not occurred to you that, when a child is 13, there’s a reason they might need more privacy when they’re in bed at night, and might not want their mum looking in without knocking?

I don’t know why he’d be unhappy about it - how did it cause him a problem?

I mean there’s no need to check on a 13 yo but it’s not doing anyone any harm.

I haven’t checked on my eldest after she’s asleep for the last few years - maybe since she was 11 /12 ish. She asked me not to!

My youngest is almost 10 and I still check him. It’s partly that he’s a really fidgety sleeper and will lose the duvet quite frequently or he right on the edge of his bed. So it gives him a bit longer before it happens again if I check before going to bed. He does sometimes come into my bed in the early hours if he loses the covers again.

I completely agree with this^
What was such a big deal? People leave room to check food, to go to the toilet, to smoke, you went to check kids , what was his problem with this?
And how did they know whether you went to check kids or to the loo? Maybe you went to the loo to check your tampon but told them that you were checking kids?That’s what I would do by the way.

And you could have checking that they were not on their phones - very age appropriate concern.

I check mine before I go to bed to make sure they’ve taken their phone off charge. Despite plenty of times being told my 13 year old will often fall asleep with her phone charging on the bed next to her. Massive fire risk. Other than that I wouldn’t, but I know mine would call out or come down if they’ve got any issues. If you were my friend I wouldn’t think anything of it though.

Twice during the meal? 🤣🤣 fuck me, I think you were the woman we dubbed "helicopter mum" on holiday last year. Fucking sit down woman, he's 10 🤣

You’re checking on children, who older than 10, to check they’re breathing and comfortable haven’t kicked the covers off? They’re not babies. They’re not going to expire in the night from SIDS and if they’re cold or uncomfortable they’ll get back under the covers and adjust their position themselves. Are you still going to be doing this when they’re going through puberty?!

If I’ve guests in the house, I am more likely to check the kids are asleep/lights out, as normally the house is silent (I’m the only adult) and chatter noise from adults downstairs can keep them awake, making them grumpy in the morning. And I think your husband is unreasonable getting annoyed.

Tell your husband not to be so bloody controlling and that if checking on the kids make you feel better then check on them you will!!

I don't think I've ever checked on my 5 year old, since she started sleeping through the night (around 18m). I just put her to bed and forget about her until morning. We've got a toddler too but she's still in our room, and not quite sleeping through. I'm very much looking forward to the day I can leave her to it and forget about her until morning!

I'd find it a bit weird and disruptive if someone was doing that with a teenager tbh. And really I think teens deserve a bit of privacy while they are in their beds at night.

Actually I know of someone who spoke to her boyfriend on the phone and planned to pop round later… when she arrived he was dead in bed!!…. They couldn’t find anything wrong with him and actually told her it was the equivalent of SIDS but obviously without the infant part!

Nope, at that age I didn't check on them. And even when they were younger I'd only peek in when I went upstairs for some other reason.

I wouldn't dream of leaving the dinner table to do so when I had guests, and certainly not twice!

I don’t really “check” , no . If I go up to the loo I might pop my head around the door , but they’re older now so I’m past the stage of ‘checking they’re still breathing ‘ . I’ll always pop in when I’m going to bed , but they’re old enough now that they wouldn’t be unsafe if they got out of bed , so I wouldn’t just go to check for no reason. My children go to bed and usually I won’t go in until I go to bed