To think that someone involved in safeguarding...

[LostPurpleKipper]

wouldn't think it OK to leave a 12 year old DC alone for 2-3 hours in the evening?
Yes, they are mature enough to look after themselves... BUT they are massively afraid of the dark (parent is not obvious to this). The last occasion, DC couldn't get to the downstairs loo in time (things left in the way). They were too scared to climb the stairs to the other bathroom and wet themselves 😢
I find this upsetting, to say the least, and I wouldn't do the same if I knew DC was scared. Or AIBU and a pearl clutcher as this parent is educated in safeguarding?

leaving a 12 year old for 2-3 hours a couple of evenings a week is totally fine

leaving a 12 year old with specific needs which mean there’s a danger to safety or security, not ok.

Does this child have special needs?

It certainly sounds like and that would make a difference in whether it was appropriate to leave them.

I leave my 11 year old home alone for up to 2 hours for example but I wouldn’t leave my 19 year old for even 20 mins as his special needs make that unsafe for him.

A ‘typical’ 12 year old should be fine in this situation but a ‘typical’ 12 year old would put a light on so it seems there is something more going on here.

I am perplexed about the lack of lights. Why couldn't they be switched on?

Is your post saying that the 12 year old was so scared of going upstairs in the house when it was dark, they could not bring themselves to turn the light on to go up? If this is the case,this fear really needs addressing. Its dark by 5.00pm at times, thats a very restricting fear and must impact on a lot of things.

Im guessing the person who left the child thought the child would either be able to access the downstairs toilet or turn on a light.

Unfortunately,once a child gets to 12, its tricky for childcare. They are too old for childcare clubs after school (my kids high schoool doesnt have one) mine wouldnt want a babysitter or childminder at that age and not everyone has family or friends who can sit with them.

We both have to work, sometimes in an evening. My 12 year old wasnt thrilled at staying home in the dark initially but as it goes dark so early in winter, they got used to it with encouragement to do things to make it easier for themselves such as leaving all lights on, getting duvet on settee with the dog, leaving tv on etc

Yes, the person leaving the child should have supported them better to cope and be prepared before leaving but I dont think it's unreasonable to think a 12 year old could cope with being left home for a while.

I think for various reasons mostly domestic abuse even though I've been out of it for 10 years I'm scared of the dark. In that if I'm in the house alone I leave lights on. I think I have always been that way inclined but of a bumpy childhood horrible older brother but i live with it.
At 12 the child will have to start living with it and try coping strategies like having music on or leaving lights on ready I don't think it's too young or neglectful to be left alone for a few hours. Keep the doors locked.

Sounds pathetic - but I don't care - I would walk upstairs sideways with my back to the wall in case anything is going to jump out! Still do.
I would be wondering if she's watched anything scary.

My 4 year old can turn the landing light on if he needs/wants to go upstairs and it's dark. He's obviously never left home alone but, at 12, I wouldn't have a problem doing this. I don't think this parent is the monster you're trying to portray then to be, OP.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. Can the 12 year old not turn on lights?

i would seek advice. I have a dc the same age and have only been left a total of 15 minutes whilst I popped to the local shop at the end of the street on two occasions. Even that has been debatable although child has mobile phone and I lock the door but keep a key by the plant pot on the sideboard. He refused to come to the shop. Even though at his age I was babysitting babies by myself in the house for hours, it still feels hard to leave him for 15 minutes

Drip feed incoming. Being 12 has nothing to do with it. That’s a fine age to be left alone for a few hours. But there’s something else going on if that 12 year old can’t switch on a light…

As above.
No, it's not a safeguarding issue.

There is a massive issue though that definitely needs addressing if an NT 12 year old is still that afraid of the dark and seemingly unable to turn lights on. (Plus having to (?) sleep in the parent's bed, though you don't specify if that is a need of the child, or just because they want to /it's convenient.

Nobody has said it's "ok" to leave a child with that level of problem alone @LostPurpleKipper

If the child is yours, then you need to intervene to help them solve what is going to become a very serious phobia/anxiety trigger if it isn't already.

But there's no safeguarding involved.

In the nicest possible way, drip feeding information into the forum won't help you at all. Lots of people asking lots of questions that want to give advice but without a clear account that's hard to do. I'm guessing from your other most recent post that you are talking about your child being with your ex and it is him that left her alone? There are so many variables to the answer to this, but in a nutshell...if a child is at risk of harm, safety is compromised, they can be seriously hurt or hurt someone around them as a result of this action then its a concern that needs to be addressed in some way....if you're a bit annoyed that dad went somewhere while he had your kid over then no its not a concern and more relating to marital issues that you need to work through together to reach a happy medium so they aren't in the middle of it but honestly....either way, a little more info/clarity will help people give more accurate advice

Is the child your child and the adult a parent you are no longer in a relationship with?

I think there are a lot of things going on but your post very much sounds like you are villainising the parent here. 12 is not too young to be left. The toilet issue sounds separate? The child wasn't too scared to go, they just left it too late and couldn't move from the downstairs to upstairs toilet in time.

If the child is scared being left alone then the parent should definitely care and take this into account - maybe the child could go with them to wherever they go or stay with another family member.

Unless the child is yours though, I'd say there isn't much you can/should do.

It sounds to me like both parents need to work with the child to help her find coping mechanisms.

Call social services on me then as I leave my 11yo for an hour or so on his own. He's able to switch on a light! If this 12yo can't do that then there's more at play here.

The child needs help. I would be more concerned with addressing that than making this a safeguarding issue because it’s not.

I am amazed at the number of people on here pathologising a completely normal and natural fear.

What is wrong with a child or adult of any age being afraid of the dark? Or being afraid of being left in an empty building alone after dark? Completely normal! And while you might expect an adult to cope and just power on through, you would not necessarily expect that of a child, in fact forcing them too is likely to increase their fears next time.

Yet so many posters diagnosing SEN or mental health issues that need some sort of medical intervention or therapy! Not every fear or anxiety is a mental health issue! Many are just instinctive, or a normal response to reality! No wonder so many teens think they have mental health problems - It is going to become a self full filling prophesy if this nonsense is spouted at them

I have a just turned 13 year old who would be absolutely fine. My only worry would be that he'd never get off the computer! He has a phone and can contact me or DH if anything would happen.
A 12 year old being too scared to even turn on a light - well there's clearly something else going on. When my children were much younger they did have fear of the dark so we bought a smart bulb for our upstairs hallway with a motion sensor. Path to the loo is always well lit and even more importantly it turns itself off, so it's economical!
There's a missing chunk of your story that you're either not telling us or you don't know yourself. Fear of the dark that's so bad you can't switch on a light isn't normal, or there's something else entirely going on.

Why was it dark can 12 year old not turn lights on?

What is wrong with a child or adult of any age being afraid of the dark? Or being afraid of being left in an empty building alone after dark?

It was the dark of the house they were frightened of - and seemingly have no ability to switch lights on, or pee in a sink, or move things out of the way of the downstairs loo. That's the odd thing - and absolutely not normal (perhaps not even entirely true). And getting some sort of urgent therapy for the child (their dh's child from his ex?) should be priority rather than criticising the ?mother for going out.

Because at secondary school age, "letting" a child be afraid of the dark and not helping them to deal with that issue and learn how to, for example, turn on a light, is far more of a red flag than leaving said child in the house on their own for an hour or so.

There is nothing normal about it at that age.

Yes, she is at the older end of the spectrum for being expected to woman up and deal with it, but still well within the range of normal! I'm 60s and I am afraid of the dark. If you say so openly and lightly in any social gathering, you will find many other adults laugh and admit to it too.

We are prehistoric beings, we are from a time when being alone in the dark meant the likely hood of becoming an evening snack for a passing bear, or being actively hunted by another predator. This is a completely natural, normal instinctive fear, and a lot of 12 year olds would have it.

Lots of children don't want to go upstairs in alone in their houses even when there are people downstairs. Very common. They grow out of it, or they learn to live with it, mostly before 12, but by no means always.

It is not a mental illness! It does not require treatment! Just a bit of empathy and understanding.

Most of us are have a natural and inherent predisposition to being scared of the dark. This is also dependent on the location/enviromment when it is dark.
Hence why there are less pedestrians walking the streets at night, and especially in the darker Winter evenings.

We are talking about a 12 yo child being scared of the dark in what appears to be a home environment, and not being able to turn on lights for some reason.

We’re not diagnosing this 12 yo child, we’re suggesting possible reasons for this child’s anxiety in this situation. The OP asked MN a question, so we’re giving our responses.

Building materials obstructing access to the toilet is an issue that clearly needs to be addressed ASAP, if this is the only working toilet in the property.

From what a few other pp have said, there also seems to be other issues at play here re. the other parent, according to OP’s other threads.

None of us know these people. There may be a huge drip feed coming. If not, we’ll have to continue to come to our conclusions based on OP’s other threads.

Wow it sounds like you've got a bee in your bonnet about this parent. I'm 'educated' in safeguarding and I've been leaving my 13 year old for a few years now. Sometimes for a full day out in hols. It's fine.

I wonder if there are some significant additional needs you haven't mentioned tho. There is no reason a NT 12 year old should have this much trouble switching on a light. If that's the case (SEN) I would be more inclined to agree with you. Otherwise YABU