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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that someone involved in safeguarding...

74 replies

LostPurpleKipper · 01/02/2024 22:22

wouldn't think it OK to leave a 12 year old DC alone for 2-3 hours in the evening?
Yes, they are mature enough to look after themselves... BUT they are massively afraid of the dark (parent is not obvious to this). The last occasion, DC couldn't get to the downstairs loo in time (things left in the way). They were too scared to climb the stairs to the other bathroom and wet themselves 😢
I find this upsetting, to say the least, and I wouldn't do the same if I knew DC was scared. Or AIBU and a pearl clutcher as this parent is educated in safeguarding?

OP posts:
JulianFawcettMP · 01/02/2024 23:39

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 01/02/2024 22:40

Why didn't they turn on the light and go upstairs to the loo?

Maybe ask the child. Unlikely the OP is a mind reader.

dastidlydaschel · 01/02/2024 23:42

LostPurpleKipper · 01/02/2024 23:39

Good to know. If a 12 year old DC is scared in the dark, and a parent knows exactly how scared they are, it's OK to leave them.

Op - AIBU

Everyone - yes

Op - you're all wrong

🙄

ArchetypalBusyMum · 01/02/2024 23:43

Blimey. That's pretty cruel!
No way would I leave my kid unless they were confident about it themselves.
I remember being left alone in the house and it is a weird feeling at first, even if you aren't nervous you can find yourself a bit on edge, and if it's dark outside etc... So if you are not confident you could easily be too scared to go upstairs or whatever.
Poor kid

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 01/02/2024 23:44

You haven't answered the questions:
Is this your DC and your Ex?
Does the 12 year old have any SEN?

These are important. But I think it seems highly unlikely a NT 12 year old would be so scared to go upstairs in their own home which presumably has lighs, that they wet themselves.

Topofthemountain · 01/02/2024 23:44

LostPurpleKipper · 01/02/2024 23:39

Good to know. If a 12 year old DC is scared in the dark, and a parent knows exactly how scared they are, it's OK to leave them.

You didn't ask if it was ok, you asked if it was a safeguarding issue.

glittercunt · 01/02/2024 23:47

I don't think OP is wrong. But as an adult I still have some very unreasonable but existent nevertheless fears about being home alone at night.

My youngest is 12 and can't handle it, but can manage a few hours with their elder sibling home.

Their best friend is treated for anxiety and struggles at home alone though, and appears to be frequently left to their own devices. They often end up round mine. Which I don't mind.

I don't know the family to ask them about it.

manipulatrice · 01/02/2024 23:48

Turn. On. A. Light.

It's really that simple.

WaitingForMojo · 01/02/2024 23:50

I have a 12 year old who can’t be left even for a few minutes in the day, because they are scared. But not neurotypical. I wouldn’t leave them when they’re scared.

I don’t think there’s a safeguarding issue with leaving a 12 year old for that length of time but i wouldn’t leave a child who was scared and couldn’t cope.

Original poster
LostPurpleKipper · 02/02/2024 00:12

Topofthemountain · 01/02/2024 23:44

You didn't ask if it was ok, you asked if it was a safeguarding issue.

Show quote history

No. I pointed out that the parent is involved in safeguarding. If you care about kids and wellbeing, but then go out (on non-essential stuff) and leave your DC who's scared to the point that they can't do everything that everyone expects of them...
I honestly don't know what to think at this point.
Yes, they should just turn on the light and go to the blooming loo. Yes, they should be able to stroll around the house comfortably and flick on lights.
I think they would if they could.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 02/02/2024 00:22

There’s clearly a hell of a lot more going on here than an average 12yo being left alone after dark for a couple of hours, which in and of itself is absolutely not a safeguarding issue.

You won’t get pertinent advice online without over sharing to an extent that probably would be a safeguarding issue.

If it’s bothering you that much, either speak to the parent directly or report them and see where it goes.

Universalsnail · 02/02/2024 00:23

I think this really depends on the 12 year old and how far the parent is away, I think many 12 year olds would be fine, but no this particular 12 year old shouldn't be left considering how scared they are of the dark and being alone especially without all the lights in the house being left on for them.

WandaWonder · 02/02/2024 00:35

Arent parents involved in safeguarding by default? it seems an odd way of expressing being a parent,

Is this some ammunination being kept for a seperation?

QueenCamilla · 02/02/2024 00:45

As a parent I'd happily leave the bathroom and hall lights on and go on my merry way.
If that is not enough to help with the dark, then I'd look to arrange psychotherapy for the child. There must be something available for phobias. Otherwise, how long is this going to go on for?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/02/2024 00:45

' Yes, they should be able to stroll around the house comfortably and flick on lights.
I think they would if they could. '

So the 12 year old is under to turn on lights ?

Or has the electricity been cut off due to non payment ?

or the electricity was off due to a storm ?

HaggisHuntress · 02/02/2024 00:52

This is obviously a child who is not in fact mature and is also clearly not NT. That makes it an issue leaving them alone. If the child was NT then they would have just switched a light on like even a 5 year old would.
My son is in Primary school and has his own key because he's always first home out of his siblings. He also cooks dinner for his sister when DH and I happen to be working at the same time til 8pm. (Rarely happens that work hours clash but when it does, I don't even have to give it a second thought.)

There's something up when a 12 year old can't use enough sense to switch a light on. And a fear of dark that strong, NT teenager or not should be addressed. Therapy is needed there.

Catsmere · 02/02/2024 01:08

SmashedPrawnsInAMilkyBasket · 01/02/2024 23:36

Yet another late night thread about child wetting started by a new poster. Careful what you share, folks.

They're not a new poster, I found a few months' worth of threads under this name.

glusky · 02/02/2024 01:12

I think the safeguarding is a red herring.

I wouldn't leave a 12 year old who had communicated that level of scaredness in advance, but you're not always going on perfect info and any judgement call can be wrong. I can certainly imagine scenarios where a child is a bit nervous but essentially ok with being left, and then freaks out in the moment.

Is this your ex?

BreaktheCycle · 02/02/2024 01:12

I work in Safeguarding.

Our middle DC is nearly 13 and started to stay home alone for a few hours after dark since the clocks went back last year.

There’s more going on here.

Not all children are the same. This child clearly needs some hand holding or therapy.

Is this child NT?
Do they have SEN?
We need more context, so please answer these questions.

Everybody has a role in safeguarding children.

Are you planning to raise your concerns with the parent/s?

Fionaville · 02/02/2024 01:59

I'd say it's OK to leave a 12 year old for a couple of hours, but it all depends on the child. This child isn't OK to be left, so it is neglectful.

MayThe4th · 02/02/2024 02:36

Well, obviously as this is a child with SN it depends on the type of SN.

PhoenixStarbeamer · 02/02/2024 02:36

Yabu op. Why didn't the child put the light on, have they said?

notmyrealuserna · 02/02/2024 04:47

I would leave a 12 year old if they were comfortable with it. This one clearly isn't.

hattie43 · 02/02/2024 04:54

No I don't think it's wrong . 12 years is not a baby and they have to learn to cope with things . You can't spend life avoiding things you don't like . You'd be better teaching them to be more resilient.

As for a 12 yr old not being able to navigate around items in the bathroom to get to the loo , well it's ridiculous.

Sounds like your looking for issues tbh

RowanMayfair · 02/02/2024 04:55

Your question about safeguarding is a red herring because it's not a safeguarding issue it's a parenting issue. No I wouldn't leave my DC at home at night if they were scared. I would explore why they were scared and build up to leaving them (in fact that's what I did do)

Josette77 · 02/02/2024 05:00

But why couldn't the lights be turned on?