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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Opinion Doesn't Matter?

35 replies

Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 21:05

So my DP has a dream of starting his own haulage company. He is currently a truck driver doing 50 hours a week. We rent, have little savings, I'm a SAHM my car is broken and I'm left at home with my little one most of the time as he has the other car for getting to work. He is very impulsive and saving is very poor as he will just decide he wants something and buy it. No matter what I say he doesn't listen.

Well last week he decided he had found a HGV he wanted to buy. Went to see it without asking my opinion. Applied for a loan. The truck is older with a lot of mileage on it and I have concerns as we have a lot to do before we can even consider starting a business including needing a lot of savings to have for emergency and for haulage license etc. I didn't think the loan would be approved but it was and now he has committed to buying this truck. I have tried to reason with him that if we waited saved more over another few months or year then maybe he could get a larger loan to cover a better truck and some of the other expenses but he said no.

He's just going ahead doing it without my opinion or permission. This truck is going to be sat at the side of our rented accommodation for probably 1.5-2 years getting mouldy etc while I have no car and we are paying every month for it. Plus by the time we finally do start will this truck have any value at all if we need to sell? He simply will not listen to me and is going ahead with his plan regardless of my opinion.

I see myself as a realist. He thinks I'm killing his dream. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/02/2024 21:18

Is this the type of man you want to spend your life with?

ClemmyTine · 01/02/2024 21:19

You sound v sensible, he sounds like an idiot.
Sorry that doesn't help much.

AllEars112232 · 01/02/2024 21:23

Seriously, he is one wagon you don't want to get hitched to!! 😂

Dacadactyl · 01/02/2024 21:24

YANBU. Sorry you're dealing with this. It would drive me mad if my DH wasn't on the same page as me with money.

Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 21:39

Besides being occasionally silly and very stubborn he is a great dad. We usually are good and get on well but he gets these notions from time to time and is very persistent. I had thought he wouldn't get a loan due to poor consistency of savings but he must have caught someone on a good day so now I'm red faced trying to argue my point on deaf ears 🥹

OP posts:
Panama2 · 01/02/2024 21:53

I be,I Eve it is not just the case of buying the lorry my understanding is th
at you will need an operator’s license, having an operating base and insurance. There may be more hoops to go through. The. There is getting work and all the admin invoicing etc

Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 21:54

🥹😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 21:58

Yes, operators license, plus 9000 euro in acc for one truck, base, insurance, savings for diesel, breakdowns etc first two months plus before any invoices are paid and finding work etc so much more but he just sees the truck. He thinks after that everything is easy. I'm just a negative dream ruiner 😅

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 01/02/2024 21:59

He is massively financially irresponsible and will keep you and the children in poverty for the rest of your lives. That’s the reality: he has poor reasoning skills, can’t add or understand the financial instruments he is accessing, doesn’t understand what is involved in owning and successfully running a business. He’s basically a toddler dressed up in adult clothes. You wouldn’t let a kid playing at being a surgeon operate on you. So don’t let this moron playing at being a business man mortgage your future.

IncompleteSenten · 01/02/2024 22:04

Great dads aren't financially irresponsible, they don't make unilateral decisions and and they don't strand their family at home.

Just out of interest, do you have examples of how he's a "great dad".

A dad does all the basics like playing with them, taking care of them, sorting out Dr, dentist, school, planning, prep, loving them, supporting them, all the normal day to day things. Everything a mum does because they need doing and they love their child(ren) those things are not Great Dad, they are just dad.

So what does he do that is Great?

Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 22:06

pikkumyy77 · 01/02/2024 21:59

He is massively financially irresponsible and will keep you and the children in poverty for the rest of your lives. That’s the reality: he has poor reasoning skills, can’t add or understand the financial instruments he is accessing, doesn’t understand what is involved in owning and successfully running a business. He’s basically a toddler dressed up in adult clothes. You wouldn’t let a kid playing at being a surgeon operate on you. So don’t let this moron playing at being a business man mortgage your future.

Unfortunately, because we are not married and don't have a joint bank, he has applied for the loan himself based off his own wages as I am a SAHM I have no salary to contribute and no say in what he does. It's not a huge loan and the repayments are affordable but it sets us back on saving for all the other aspects of a business we will need in future.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 01/02/2024 22:09

I have a feeling you're going to need to find a way back into work sooner rather than later

Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 22:19

IncompleteSenten · 01/02/2024 22:04

Great dads aren't financially irresponsible, they don't make unilateral decisions and and they don't strand their family at home.

Just out of interest, do you have examples of how he's a "great dad".

A dad does all the basics like playing with them, taking care of them, sorting out Dr, dentist, school, planning, prep, loving them, supporting them, all the normal day to day things. Everything a mum does because they need doing and they love their child(ren) those things are not Great Dad, they are just dad.

So what does he do that is Great?

With all due respect, I am not asking your opinion on if he's a good dad or not I'm asking about whether I'm being unreasonable by being realistic. I don't need to sit here and list things for you that makes him 'great' in your opinion.

He's the father of MY children and I'm telling you he is a great dad in MY opinion. This loan is not massive he can easily afford repayments. He saves money but regularly spends his savings too. And he is providing for his family daily. He thinks starting his own business will be the only way we will afford our own home in the future and he thinks the quicker he gets going the quicker he can do that. He's a dreamer. I'm realistic and hence my question.

Also he doesn't 'strand' me at home. My car broke down very expensive fix better off buying new one and he works so has to take the other vehicle. Once he's home from work I have the car. But I think a loan would be better served fixing or replacing a vehicle for me not buying a truck to sit up for 2 years.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 01/02/2024 22:22

Yeah, that's what I thought.
No. You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do.
Fuck all you can do about it though 🤷

Popcorn23 · 01/02/2024 22:24

You are in a relationship and have children together - yes he should have asked your opinion.

I would not want to be financially dependent on someone so irresponsible and inconsiderate.

Mumsanetta · 01/02/2024 22:27

Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 22:19

With all due respect, I am not asking your opinion on if he's a good dad or not I'm asking about whether I'm being unreasonable by being realistic. I don't need to sit here and list things for you that makes him 'great' in your opinion.

He's the father of MY children and I'm telling you he is a great dad in MY opinion. This loan is not massive he can easily afford repayments. He saves money but regularly spends his savings too. And he is providing for his family daily. He thinks starting his own business will be the only way we will afford our own home in the future and he thinks the quicker he gets going the quicker he can do that. He's a dreamer. I'm realistic and hence my question.

Also he doesn't 'strand' me at home. My car broke down very expensive fix better off buying new one and he works so has to take the other vehicle. Once he's home from work I have the car. But I think a loan would be better served fixing or replacing a vehicle for me not buying a truck to sit up for 2 years.

Edited
Show quote history

Great dad, loan isn’t massive and you can afford it, provides for his family … sounds like he’s perfect then, OP, so what on earth are you complaining about?

steff13 · 01/02/2024 22:31

This is a tough one because I don't want to sound like a dick. But you don't have any legal claim to his income so I suppose he doesn't have to ask your opinion.

If he were a good guy I think he would. If I were you I would start looking for a job.

barkymcbark · 01/02/2024 22:34

He's bat shit to buy something that is a depreciating asset that he won't use for at least 18 months. Chances are by the time he gets around to using it, he will owe more than the truck is worth. Does he understand how expensive it is ti run a HGV?

Can you suggest he goes and does agency driving rather than buys his own truck. They get paid far more than salaried drivers and he has a bit more flexibility and he can treat it as a business without having to buy the assets.

Owning a truck is a money pit, fuel prices are ridiculously high, maintenance, insurance, tyres the list goes on. IMO owner drivers are no better off than those who are working for transport companies.

That truck will end up being a mill stone around his neck that he'll have the pleasure of paying for, for years. Be thankful you're not married to him.

Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 22:34

Mumsanetta · 01/02/2024 22:27

Great dad, loan isn’t massive and you can afford it, provides for his family … sounds like he’s perfect then, OP, so what on earth are you complaining about?

Show quote history

I asked if I was unreasonable by being realistic or if I'm killing the dream. You're welcome to read the OP 🫠

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledear1 · 01/02/2024 22:38

barkymcbark · 01/02/2024 22:34

He's bat shit to buy something that is a depreciating asset that he won't use for at least 18 months. Chances are by the time he gets around to using it, he will owe more than the truck is worth. Does he understand how expensive it is ti run a HGV?

Can you suggest he goes and does agency driving rather than buys his own truck. They get paid far more than salaried drivers and he has a bit more flexibility and he can treat it as a business without having to buy the assets.

Owning a truck is a money pit, fuel prices are ridiculously high, maintenance, insurance, tyres the list goes on. IMO owner drivers are no better off than those who are working for transport companies.

That truck will end up being a mill stone around his neck that he'll have the pleasure of paying for, for years. Be thankful you're not married to him.

Yes I think it's ridiculous to have it sat up so long also. Not earning anything and losing value. He thinks if he looks after it etc that it will be fine. He knows how much it costs but I think he wants to put on blinkers and hope for the best. I cannot do that unfortunately.

OP posts:
Scalby · 01/02/2024 22:41

You're being unreasonable hitching your star to a man irresponsible with money, who doesn't listen to your opinion. You are in a very precarious position, unmarried and being a SAHM. I'd be going back to work full time ASAP, not sitting there worried about being financially secure with him.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/02/2024 22:43

No marrige and you're a SAHM. I'd say YABU.
Being brutally honest you have no legal ties, no protections. His money is his and the choices that come with it as well.

MCOut · 01/02/2024 22:46

I’m like your DP. Impulsive, overly optimistic and happy to spend whatever when an idea gets into my head no matter how stupid it is. Poor DP has to try his best to rein me in and in those moments I get so upset he’s raining on my parade.

YANBU you know it doesn’t make sense. What worked for us, was having conversations about it outside of the impulsive moments. I agreed that I would talk to him about things, he agreed that before, he just says no, he will think about it, and we agree when we will make a decision. In the meantime he’s learned to use the time to present his reservations in a more gentle and positive manner rather than being the hammer of doom to my good mood. For example, “You know if we held off in X years we might be able to get a better van. Or a business would be a great idea. How about instead of getting the truck now you do some entrepreneurship courses?”.

Admittedly, this is childish bs and it’s ridiculous he has to do it, but it means I don’t become mulishly stubborn and have time to locate the common sense I lost somewhere. If you manage to create a time buffer chances are he will back down.

Heronwatcher · 01/02/2024 22:49

Sorry this sounds like a slow motion train crash. This is just going to get worse and because you’re not earning you and your DC are in an incredibly precarious position.

If you’re going to stay with him then you absolutely need to try to establish some financial independence. Can you work evenings/ weekends? If not possible can you start working as soon as you get some free childcare hours.

Do you own your own home?

Basically you are not being U, but plan to need to go it alone as I think this might not get better.

barkymcbark · 01/02/2024 23:05

The only suggestion I’d make is he doesn’t do it now and if he still wants to do it in 6 months time you’ll support him. Chances are he’ll be into the next scheme by then.

maybe buy him a Reliant Robin and paint it yellow? At least it’ll be worth what you paid for after a few years