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AIBU?

To be sick of one person dominating the conversation and going on about themselves constantly?

40 replies

TheSalesGirl · 01/02/2024 19:56

I have a group of friends that I usually meet up with a couple of times a month. We usually go for coffee, lunch or sometimes out in the evening. A couple of the women in the group I'm close friends with, but am also friends with all the others, and get on with them all.

However, one woman from the group has always been self centred but in the last few years she's got worse. It's got to the stage now where our meet ups are her talking about herself, dominating the conversation, talking about herself, and also making put downs. She's also quite loud voiced so everyone seems to take notice of her and stops talking when she starts going on, and then she goes on for ages.

Yesterday we met for coffee and one friend started talking about a holiday she's going on, and then the dominating woman instantly cut in about a holiday she's booked, and then that was it. It was her show.

She's also one of those who knows everyone, claims everyone that anyone knows is a friend of hers, knows everything, has done everything better than everyone else....! She also is always claiming different men fancy her and are messaging her, or looking at her, despite having been married for years herself!

I do try to ask other people questions whilst we are there, but when they start replying she jumps in again and takes over about herself.

It fucking infuriates me. I know if it pisses me off that much I should just stop going to meet them all but I do want to see the others and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

OP posts:
Windymcwindyson · 01/02/2024 19:58

Just make a new group chat without her in it. Life is too short.

ohdamnitjanet · 01/02/2024 19:58

I would be very happy to tell her I haven’t finished what I was saying every time she interrupted me.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/02/2024 20:02

You have to wait until she draws breath then cut in quickly and change the topic of conversation. Maybe if there are a couple of women you are close to, you could take them into your confidence? A conversation is an exchange of comments by two or more people, not a monologue by just one.

Evaka · 01/02/2024 20:02

Ugh, so annoying. Can you just calmly say 'Hold on Mary, I was asking Lucy about her holiday. Let her speak'. I have a similar friend and recently one of our mutual pals plainly said 'Stop speaking for a moment. You're really dominating the conversation'. It was a bold move but totally fucking legit, and took the wind out of her sails, if briefly. No one has a monopoly on airtime in a group!

JustWonderingIfImNormal · 01/02/2024 20:04

IME you can’t change someone who is like this, especially if everyone enables it and thinks they are Gods gift, which IME for some strange reason, people do.
I either tolerate it and internally fume, or I walk away. There really isn’t much you can do without coming across as rude yourself.

disappearingfish · 01/02/2024 20:05

Has anyone ever challenged her?

"I've booked to go to Tenerife next summ..."
"Oh I'VE booked to go to Elevenerife, luxury hotel, spa..."
"Actually, Mabel was telling us about her holiday in Tenerife. Go on Mabel". <hard stare>

If you cut off her audience she'll probably flounce.

DinaofCloud9 · 01/02/2024 20:05

I had a friend like this. Every conversation was interrupted to loudly and incessantly talk about her 4 children.

I stopped meeting up with her in the end

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/02/2024 20:08

Hold your horses there, Marjorie. I want to hear about Brenda's hip operation first.

ssd · 01/02/2024 20:12

I have a friend like this. Sometimes, i just see her cos I'm sick of my own thoughts and thinking about myself . Listening to her makes me forget myself for a while cos its all about her.

I often think she doesn't want a friend, just an audience.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 01/02/2024 20:14

disappearingfish · 01/02/2024 20:05

Has anyone ever challenged her?

"I've booked to go to Tenerife next summ..."
"Oh I'VE booked to go to Elevenerife, luxury hotel, spa..."
"Actually, Mabel was telling us about her holiday in Tenerife. Go on Mabel". <hard stare>

If you cut off her audience she'll probably flounce.

Haha I was just thinking she was an elevenerife-r as well. 😁

AnotherEmma · 01/02/2024 20:18

People like this are such a pain and they don't change.

I think you should just organise things and invite the people you like but not her.

If she gets wind of it and feels left out, so what.

Life's too short.

ToothFairy2023 · 01/02/2024 20:18

Good luck OP you have my sympathies.

I have an ex colleague who is part of an extended friendship group who is very like this in terms of always trying to dominate/monopolise conversations and turning everything around to talk about herself and her family. The only difference is she doesn’t mention about men fancying her although annoyingly she is also quite attractive.

If she asks someone something like have you been to the gym lately she barely listens to their response and just bangs on about how much exercise she is doing, her latest diet and how much weight she has lost etc. If she says has anyone booked any holidays she doesn’t really listen to any responses she just goes off on one about where she is going and where she would like to go etc etc. If anyone out do’s her she changes the subject. I have noticed she talks about going to, planning or doing X or Y for many months (but often doesn’t get round to much she just likes the sound of her own voice). If we are trying to arrange a meet up on whatsapp she replies late, rarely gives a straight answer and always gives a lengthy explanation of she’ll have to check X and Y and will depend on A and B etc. Or she will say she can go and cancel last minute and the meet up gets changed several times to accommodate her.

I have got wiser to her now I tend to only go to meet ups if a decent number of people are going, I try to avoid sitting near her and now I either involve myself in conversations with smaller groups away from her or now think quickly and interject with sorry what were you saying X or Y, actually X or Y was just explaining or in the middle of telling us all about such and such. I don’t really like doing this and I don’t do it with any other groups but I find this is better to deal with her than sitting seething and saying nothing.

ToothFairy2023 · 01/02/2024 20:20

My husbands work had a saying about someone like this and it was if you said you’d met the queen he would say he’d shagged her.

Bluenotgreen · 01/02/2024 20:21

I agree with PP re cutting her off if you can. Also, maybe try to meet up in smaller groups?

SunCreamQueenie · 01/02/2024 20:40

I know someone like this, she spouts her loud monologue and then picks up her phone until she wants to join in again.

hattie43 · 01/02/2024 20:59

I have the same situation OP, I'm in a friendship group of four where one woman totally dominates . Once she has finished a run down on her job and everyone she works with she moves onto to what each family member is up to . Then it's time to go , we say lovely to catch up , we'll do it again soon . We are too polite

spicedlemonpie · 01/02/2024 22:04

I once had a friend like this me me me my kids me my husband im doing this that etc cut anyone off back to me me me kids.
She knew nothing of what was happening to the rest of us.
We stopped talking to her in the end.

venusandmars · 01/02/2024 22:38

I have a friend like this. I find that she doesn't react to subtlety or hints but she does appreciate straight talking.

So I say 'my mother was dying but you only talked about your own challenges with your own elderly parents, you didn't ask me how I was'. She gets that, and is better for many months asking how I am.

AuntieDolly · 01/02/2024 22:42

You need a talking stick! 😁

Fizbosshoes · 01/02/2024 23:05

I have had this experience.
Dominating person usually arranges the meal out at a time that suits her (never asks what time suits anyone else)
We met a few weeks after my dad had just died, and I'm not exagerating when i say about 80% of conversation/monologue was about her/what a difficult time she was having/how awful it was. (Admittedly it did sound like a tough time) I wanted to meet with all the friends but barely anyone else got a word in edgeways!

TheSalesGirl · 01/02/2024 23:13

Thank you everyone for the replies!

@Fizbosshoes the woman I know is exactly the same as the one you know; has to arrange the place, time to suit her, doesn't want to go to X or Y because she went last week as she's soooo popular. Then is fucking late, then takes ages to choose from the menu, up to half an hour sometimes just in a sandwich/cafe type place.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/02/2024 23:34

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 01/02/2024 20:08

Hold your horses there, Marjorie. I want to hear about Brenda's hip operation first.

SmileSmileSmile

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/02/2024 23:37

Why don't the rest of you meet up without her? What stops you saying to the others oh my God I can't bear another night like that. Next time let's meet up on our own, I want to hear what everyone's been up to.

Marchintospring · 01/02/2024 23:46

Rude and direct can be different things. Honestly just tell her… you’re late again…yes we’re ready to order, you always take ages so order separately…..

Honestly they don’t do it on purpose. They just need telling.

bastin · 01/02/2024 23:50

I know somebody at work like this, I don't think they realise they're doing it

No matter what you talk about they have to turn the conversation around so that they take over

I was talking about electric cars and they piped up that their neighbour has bought a Tesla and that was it, he just went off on one

I don't know your neighbour, I'm not fucking interested in him and what car he drives

Every conversation, he has to somehow find a link via a person he knows and then goes on and on about them

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