To not want to postpone DCs birthday treat because they can't come?

[edgaregg]

It's coming up to our DS's birthday and we decided to take a weekend break at a theme park with me DH and my parents.

DS's birthday is on the Tuesday and we'd be going Saturday day, staying over night and coming back Sunday evening.

The plan was originally meant to include two DSC who are DS's half siblings. Technically said weekend is their mum's weekend although we are all usually very flexible but when DH mentioned the dates she has said they have plans (fair enough).

DH now thinks we should change the whole thing and do it another weekend when DSC can come. I disagree as it's for DS's birthday and, to be honest, I don't think he'd do badly from having something like this where he's the sole focus anyway. There is a bit of an age gap between them so it's probably ideal anyway.

DH thinks DSC would be upset not to come.

AIBU not wanting to postpone our DCs birthday treat to wait for DSC to be able to join us?

For example last birthday DSC1 went go karting with DH for the day. DS didn't go.
Are all those horrified the ds birthday isn't being planned around the dsc just as horrified by this?

No, don't change it.

I very much doubt that a 14 and 11 year old are going to want to go on the same rides as a 5 year old. It’s asking for a 5 year old crying because he can’t go on the big rides or older DC bored because they’re stuck on ‘baby’ rides.

I think with that age gap and the fact that you couldn't do the weekend before anyway then it's fine. With those age gaps I'd probably do theme park trips separate as they would like such different things.

I think with the ages in question it would be silly to rearrange because they can't come, would they even be bothered??

With those ages I bet anything your DH would end up looking after the older ones on bigger rides while you and the grandparents look fondly on at the slowly revolving ‘Teacups’ and ‘Driving School’.

Unless the DSC are super sweet and sensitive for their ages and would enjoy taking their little brother on rides for his birthday?

Isn’t it the weekend after your DH is proposing to do it, though? I still think you’re phrasing things very carefully and it’s a bit pointless because it’s your DH you have to get on board with going without them, not people on this thread. Go karting is one single activity which is appropriate for a 14th birthday and not that appropriate for a 4 year old; if you’re going to somewhere like Alton Towers, that will cater for all the kids - them more than your DS, really. I wouldn’t want to spend time and money on going somewhere like that with my in laws without my 11 and 14 year olds if it was possible just to wait and take all the kids. And DH would have to be responsible for managing his own time and attention appropriately in the same way any parent of multiple children is. OTOH if it’s something like Gulliver’s Kingdom you’re going to, it would be needlessly expensive and pointless for all involved to take the older kids even if they were free.

It is nice that your DH cares about all his children’s feelings. If he didn’t you would have real problems. I would change the date for the sake of your DH as he won’t enjoy the trip if he spends it feeling guilty about his children missing out.

Given the update and the age gaps I would say it’s going ahead, and if Dh gave me a hard time I would tell him if he goes back in time and takes ds along when he took his brother go karting for a birthday outing, then you’ll move it so they can come. But you won’t have it one way only that ds gets nothing without them, and you won’t have him sulking when he’s done exactly that to your ds.

I wouldn’t postpone given the age gap.

Its not fair to ask your little boy to make the decision, he will say what he thinks you want to hear.
Theres an age gap, let him be the focus of his own birthday treat.

He's 5. Let him enjoy being the focus on attention. His Gp's will be there, so he will be even more spoilt with attention. I wouldn't change it. The age gap is too big anyway to please everyone.

With that age gap go ahead.

The DSC are not going to want to go on the same rides as your DS, so either you split up and your DH goes off with them while there or you stick together and at least one child is bored stiff waiting around for rides unsuitable for them.

Just take DS this time and focus on the smaller rides If DSC do feel like they missed out they can have a trip focused on the big rides at another time for one of their birthdays/a special trip with their dad.

It’s not DH’s birthday. If he’s got complicated feelings he can access therapy to deal with them or read a self help book.

He chose to have another child knowing his other kids wouldn’t always be there. He had no business doing that if he can’t get over himself and give his 5 year old the fun and fuss he deserves. It’s not DS’s fault he has older half siblings or a dad with a guilt complex.

Given DH has taken DSC1 to do birthday activities on his own I really don't think he has a leg to stand on saying DSC have to come.

It’s not an afternoon bowling it’s an entire weekend at a theme park. That’s the sort of thing you’d expect the family to be together for and can see why DH would find it hard to understand why the other children cannot be accommodated; when it’s simply a question of doing it the weekend after DC birthday…
It makes just as much sense for a birthday treat to be the weekend after as the weekend before so why not move it, unless you actually would rather the DSC weren’t there, in which case you’ve worded your AIBU disingenuously.

But does ‘accommodating’ the other children mean DH will go off with them on big rides meaning DS doesn’t get to have time with his Dad on his birthday? If so it’s unfair.

Plenty of families manage one day at a theme park with different ages just fine; this is an entire weekend; DS is going to get plenty of time with his DH and everyone else in his family!

It isn’t OP’s birthday either. Wanting all your children to be able to enjoy a fun activity isn’t complicated or generally something that people go to therapy for!

Presumably if they split up OP would want DS’s dad to care equally about DS as well as any new children he might have.

If you don't want them there because of the age gap then that's one thing, but they shouldn't have been invited in that case.

Just do it on the weekend closest to the birthday that everyone is available for. I'm sure if a full sibling had a commitment that weekend or your DH or dad were working you wouldn't think twice about looking for a different date. It's not a big deal.

Your son’s call, whatever he wants.

Stick to the original plan!!!! When they do come maybe get a little cake and make a fuss of dc again with dsc there, so they can join in. BUT I’d stick to your original plan op, otherwise you’ll forever be expected to bend to everyone’s needs while having to ignore your/dcs own!

I actually think it's pretty clear that OP would still just want her child to not have to compromise on his birthday, exactly the same as the DSC aren't expected to compromise theirs. Why would her position change just because of a hypothetical split? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why is it down to the birthday boys Mum to change her plans.
Surely the Mother of the step-children could have asked the older children
what they would prefer to do. They are old enough to decide.

So the weekend you are going is the ex's turn to have tge steps, but the following weekend you dh is working? So he has chosen to have his weekend off with your ds instead of his step kids?