To not want to postpone DCs birthday treat because they can't come?

[edgaregg]

It's coming up to our DS's birthday and we decided to take a weekend break at a theme park with me DH and my parents.

DS's birthday is on the Tuesday and we'd be going Saturday day, staying over night and coming back Sunday evening.

The plan was originally meant to include two DSC who are DS's half siblings. Technically said weekend is their mum's weekend although we are all usually very flexible but when DH mentioned the dates she has said they have plans (fair enough).

DH now thinks we should change the whole thing and do it another weekend when DSC can come. I disagree as it's for DS's birthday and, to be honest, I don't think he'd do badly from having something like this where he's the sole focus anyway. There is a bit of an age gap between them so it's probably ideal anyway.

DH thinks DSC would be upset not to come.

AIBU not wanting to postpone our DCs birthday treat to wait for DSC to be able to join us?

But the birthday is mid week. Therefore even for the weekends close to the birthday there is a choice of two. They should have either used their normal weekend or checked before booking.

to not even consider the other children before booking says a lot about their place!

They did consider it, but the DSC are with their mum and OP is allowed to have a weekend with her dc and her parents.

I would switch weekends to make it work for the step children. If you want the step children to feel part of your family, it would be right to treat a sibling's birthday as a family occasion. I get the impression you don't really want them to come which is sad, but obviously your DH feels differently and would like all his children there.

I think it will be more enjoyable for your son to have his siblings there

I would go with what your ds wants it is not about you or anyone else

If there's a big age gap then go without the DSC for sure.
Your DH will be off on the big rides for big kids and you'll be left explaining to the birthday child why daddy isn't there on his special day. Been there, done that, it was shit.
DSDs birthday is all about her so I'm quite put out that somehow my sons birthday turned out to also be all about her.
I've told DH it won't be happening again. Standard run of the mill family days out - yes of course there will be some divide and conquer going on to cater for different ages. Birthdays are different. The focus should be the birthday child.

Why did you pick the weekend when you don’t have dsc? Did you not want them to come?

How old are all the children?

When you say 'we' decided did you and your husband plan the weekend when step kids couldn't make it or was it just you?

I agree with this, what's the age difference?

Carry on with just the grandparents. Remind DH DS’s birthday is about him. I’m sure DSC get their own special birthday celebrations which aren’t planned around DS.

Tbf before i booked i would have probably checked with weekend before or after..if neither then do it anyway..

Also id ask what dc preferred..but what about dsc as well would they prefer birthday weekend away then what they are doing? Do they get a choice too?

I don’t get this that DSC must be invited to everything. My DB (full siblings, parents together) didn’t come to my 13th birthday as I went to the cinema to watch ‘A League of Their Own’ (I’m old) with a few school friends. There was no handwringing and saying he must be included. My birthday, my choice who was/wasn't invited.

Same on the Disneyland Paris thread a couple of weeks ago. The birthday girls GPs were paying for a holiday and OP and some posters were outraged that a half-sister and her DF were doing something without her. Even though it was zero to do with the DF. That happens, it’s life.

It really depends on what the theme park is and how old each of the children are. Your wording is quite careful - the DSC were ‘originally meant’ to come before their mum, who had them that weekend, was actually asked. So the intention for them to come was momentary and conceptual only on your part. What you describe as ‘changing the whole thing’ probably seems to your husband more like ‘doing what you’d always mutually agreed but a week later’. I suspect from said careful wording that your child is too young to care which weekend of the two you choose to celebrate on. They’re all your DH’s kids; I’d want an expensive child centric birthday celebration to include all of them if I were him too.

Do something later with them.
Tell your DH that honestly this is not an issue and not to create problems.

That doesn’t sound like that was a family celebration that was you celebrating with your friends though, so isn’t that totally different?

DSC are part of OP’s immediate family, this is a family celebration so OP if you have a choice of two weekends, one that they are home for and the other they are not, why would you choose the weekend they aren’t?

I think the theme park and age of ankle the kids are a huge consideration here though?

It's not a random weekend, it's the weekend after her child's birthday Fgs. Honestly you can tell the bitter ex's on here.

@chantelion but why not pick the weekend before? (Which is actually closer to the birthday as it's a Tuesday).

*i'm not a bitter ex, been with my husband since we were teens.

YADNBU. It’s your son’s birthday, the day is about him, not them.
They were invited, their mum said no. Not your fault.
Any other planned day out / event, I’d consider rearranging but not when it’s for my child’s birthday. Stand firm OP. Have a lovely day with your son. 🎂

What would you do if they were your children and away on say a school trip that weekend?
Thats your answer.

If they all get on, you are usually flexible, and usually do things as a whole family, then I'd have checked dates before booking anything and booked the date we could all do. That way you wouldn't be 'postponing' or having to 'rearrange' anything.

As it is, I would see what your ds wants. In a way the question is put to him neutrally rather than in a weighted way.

I suspect this will have a lot to do with their ages and their closeness.

Does dh arrange his celebration of older dc around youngest's availability?

If the DSC come will they spend the day doing rides your DS will enjoy and having a lovely day together? Or will they want to go off to do big kid stuff, either needing your DH to take them so your Son doesn’t get to spend the day with his Dad, or on their own, which negates the point of a family day. Ages is key here…

Unfortunately the weekend before isn't an option as DH is working as is my Dad. Both shift workers. DS is absolutely obsessed with his grandparents so would definitely love to have them there. We have always had a pretty flexible (both ways) arrangement with their mum where 99% of the time if we want to do something on her time with them or vice versa it's not a problem we just let the other know the dates.

I don't think DS would care either way to be honest. It's his 5th birthday and DSC are 11 and 14 so there is a fairly big age gap.

I don't think this is a bad thing, I imagine the liklihood is if they did come, they'd spend the weekend off with their dad doing older stuff and DS wouldn't get to spend his birthday time with his father.

To the PP who asked if I'd be fine with DS being left out OF DSCs birthday treats, yes! What do you think happens most years? For example last birthday DSC1 went go karting with DH for the day. DS didn't go. I would never have expected him to and wasn't bothered at all that he didn't. I think it's nice for the birthday child to be the focus, whichever child that is. Genuinely I'd not have a problem with DH doing this for either DSC and DS not going because I understand he'd change the dynamics and it's not his birthday.

Given the ages I'd just take ds so he can have fun with both his parents together being the sole focus.