Confused grandparents constantly diagnosing baby?

[Pickles2023]

I have Autism so hoping you can tell me what is going on here and how to respond? I can't tell if i am oversensitive, misinterpreting or not being empathetic.

My baby is 10 months, she was premature, had an allergy initially but luckily grew out of it..

Her wholw life my mum and dad have been dignosing her and adamant there is something wrong with her...

At first it was becketts syndrome (can't spell it but a growth genetic disorder and she is tiny 🤣) then that her stomachs wrong and she needs a camera down her throat, then it was her eyes, then she has autism adhd, some develpmental problem and now today its cerebal palsy..

She has seen GP, paediatric doctor, dietician, health visitor and optician and me all saying she is fine and happy.

Its not just that which is upsetting me, but they act like if anything is wrong its the end of the world, our lives are over and she is depressed she is so upset cant sleep as her grandchilds disabled..as someone with autism i find it highly insulting to make out a disability of any sort is life/game over.

I tried to express this today and they blew up saying they will never see her again and if she is sick they don't care...

I don't know what to do..i Don't understand the worried so much to the don't care if they're ill and want nothing to do with them?

Maybe i didn't communicate well? I wasn't trying to upset them i just wanted to tell them to reign it in as i don't want her growing up convinced there is something wrong with her..even if there is i don't want her feeling less than anyone else..

I can't tell if ive been mean about their concern :( but I'm also not sure why there has to be something wrong with her? Im very confused and don't know how i am meant to proceed..

I'm so sorry, your parents sound awful. I would have a bit of a break from seeing them, as it sounds like they're not doing you any good.

I think you need to keep your DC away from them. They sound like the are inventing illnesses/disabilities. No idea why but I wouldn't be letting them see her

She's 10 months and they're already attempting to diagnose her with autism and ADHD as well as a bunch of other things?

Honestly, OP, I think it' might be time to distance yourself from them. I don't know what the problem they have is, but as your baby is fine, and they seem to have a problem with this, it might be that these are people you don't want in your life.

I would leave them to stew in their own juice for a bit. They sound very strange.

Like you said, why wouldn't you protect your daughter from her own grandparents thinking there is something wrong with her?!

Please tell me you don't need them for childcare!

If I were you I would have some space from them. Then try another chat where you explain that all these professionals believe your dc is fine, not health issues. That you don't appreciate their self-diagnosing and that you need them to stop because it is very upsetting.

If they don't care about upsetting you then I am not sure what you can do except to step back from them.

Sorry if this is rude but are they a bit dim?! They sound very strange.

I think you should ask your health visitor or a social worker to have a chat with them.
Theres something not quite right, they’re either very anxious people or they are undermining you as a parent. Were they anxious during your childhood?
Seriously though what sort of people would want to put a camera down a tiny baby?

Doubt there is anything wrong with your baby, but there is something terribly wrong with your parents. Think they need a psychiatrist! Is it possible to go very low contact with them. Please don’t doubt yourself. If you have to see them, please don’t listen to a word they say!

Your parents’ behaviour isn’t normal. They sound obsessive and hyper-anxious. I’d keep my kid well away from them to be honest. It’s almost like your mum wants something to be wrong so she can enjoy all the drama.

Stop getting confirmation from medics there's nothing wrong.. Before they doubt YOUR mh. Distance yourself from your dps op..

Were they like this during your childhood?

They're quite big things to be diagnosing your poor DC with, it isn't like they're saying 'perhaps she has a bit of a cold or a stomach ache'. I think you need to distance yourself from your DPs. I'd tell them bluntly to stop diagnosing my child, regardless of how much it 'hurt them' it's probably hurting you more constantly being told there is something wrong. Stop asking professionals to check her over, she's fine, I think it's your DPs that aren't

They're being really, really bizarre. DS2 was very premature and my mum, who is a retired doctor, definitely looks for medical issues with him in a way she hasn't with her other grandchildren. I think it's her way of trying to make sure nothing else bad happens to him after his very rocky start. But it's done with love and concern and she has stopped the older he's got and the better he's doing (and, to be fair to her, his paediatrician agreed with her about what she'd spotted and sent him for extra tests). She would also have stopped earlier if I'd asked her to - she did stop when he was in NICU and I explained that I didn't want to hear any details of the myriad of conditions that he might have, and I just needed to trust in the doctors that were looking after him otherwise I'd go insane.

You've been completely reasonable to ask them to stop diagnosing her. It's awful to hear that they would love her less. You've not done anything wrong.

They sound exhausting. I'd keep the child away from them if they won't stop. They will pass on their health anxiety, and worst case scenario... I'd be worried about Munchausen's to be honest.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/fabricated-or-induced-illness/overview/

IME prem babies are monitored carefully for physical problems ( I remember several eye exams, a couple of heart scans) Developmentally nothing can be looked at until the two year check and even then , because all babies are different, it’ll not be definitive. ALL these checks are carried out by trained professionals, not grandparents.
They are being very, very unfair on you and your baby, no one needs additional stress after having a baby, never mind a premmie.
You could try saying “ the doctors are monitoring all of X’s health, there’s no need for you to do anything” Repeat each time.
Or simply sit them down, tell them to stop. Tell them they are not medical professionals you have enough of those involved and you will not let them talk about your DD’s development again.
Your baby, your rules.
And Congratulations on your baby. 💐

We're they like this with you as a child?
I suspect its something like Munchausen or along those lines...although odd that they both are the same.
But no its not healthy for any of you.

Keep your distance and be firm with them. You're not raising any significant concerns over DD, and they will seriously undermine your confidence. Maternal intuition is normally pretty good, and you don't want to erode that by constantly fighting off their random suggestions.
They're not fussing over minor sniffles, and are actively looking for major issues.

They're the ones with a significant issue going on.

Did they miss that you had autism OP? If so, maybe guilt is playing a part.

But no, it's not normal behaviour from grandparents, and maybe a more direct approach would be better. Every time they say something tell them not to be so ridiculous and to leave Dr Google alone.

I would tell them in no uncertain times to just piss off with their diagnoses!

They are actually insane.

Thank you everyone, can't tag you all.

I rely on them minimally atm with childcare. 2 hours a week at most, i am pregnant so may ask my employer to stop now and restart with a childminder..

Yes they were like this with me which is probably why i am asking you all, as i feel something is weird but i keep being told i am bullying them if i disagree and causing them depression...

Unfortunately i rely on them to get to appointments temporarily.

They were like this with me but i don't remember it being quite so extreme.

They have been getting a bit nastier as they get older and ill..like standing me up, treating me a bit like an annoyance or randomly digging at me, like our family car is crap, we will never have a home..(we will, my husband is in a good job and once i work full time there is no reason why we can't continue private renting)

They also do bitch about me a lot to family, even their hairdresser 😅😅 so my support network is rather streamline haha

I get a lot of surprise looks when i am seen not being hagged, emaciated ect

I tried to express this today and they blew up saying they will never see her again and if she is sick they don't care...

This sentence stood out to me. They sound like crazy, crazy people, rather than people with just a health anxiety. It is like they are gaslighting you to make you doubt yourself. Is there someone you can turn to in real life who could help you with this and help you gain perspective?

Only my husband. I am under perinatal due to the autism, can i talk to them about it? Or are they only for mental health issues also would i sound insane? 😂😂

They sound manipulative. Asking someone to stop diagnosing your child is perfectly acceptable. Look up DARVO if you haven't heard of it already, it's where the manipulator turns it round so they're the "victim" and you are being so mean and hurtful to them.

Unfortunately i rely on them to get to appointments temporarily.

Not sure what appointments you mean. Is there literally no-one else you could ask? Or could you take the baby with you?

Take whatever steps you can to avoid relying on them so that they have nothing to hold over you. Take public transport, hire a childminder- it will be worth it.