Confused grandparents constantly diagnosing baby?

[Pickles2023]

I have Autism so hoping you can tell me what is going on here and how to respond? I can't tell if i am oversensitive, misinterpreting or not being empathetic.

My baby is 10 months, she was premature, had an allergy initially but luckily grew out of it..

Her wholw life my mum and dad have been dignosing her and adamant there is something wrong with her...

At first it was becketts syndrome (can't spell it but a growth genetic disorder and she is tiny 🤣) then that her stomachs wrong and she needs a camera down her throat, then it was her eyes, then she has autism adhd, some develpmental problem and now today its cerebal palsy..

She has seen GP, paediatric doctor, dietician, health visitor and optician and me all saying she is fine and happy.

Its not just that which is upsetting me, but they act like if anything is wrong its the end of the world, our lives are over and she is depressed she is so upset cant sleep as her grandchilds disabled..as someone with autism i find it highly insulting to make out a disability of any sort is life/game over.

I tried to express this today and they blew up saying they will never see her again and if she is sick they don't care...

I don't know what to do..i Don't understand the worried so much to the don't care if they're ill and want nothing to do with them?

Maybe i didn't communicate well? I wasn't trying to upset them i just wanted to tell them to reign it in as i don't want her growing up convinced there is something wrong with her..even if there is i don't want her feeling less than anyone else..

I can't tell if ive been mean about their concern :( but I'm also not sure why there has to be something wrong with her? Im very confused and don't know how i am meant to proceed..

You’ve talked to us and we all think it is they, not you, who sound insane!

You said that your child has seen paediatrician, opticians etc., is that as a result of the claims your parents are making? If YOU don't believe anything is wrong with your child, please stop taking them to appointments that your parents are putting into your head. Eventually the drs will start wondering about you fabricating illnesses.

Autism being largely genetic and them being like this it's possible they have their own undiagnosed conditions. Not that this sounds like particularly autistic behaviour to me. More MH related than anything, next time they say you are making them depressed offer to take them to their GPs for support. You could even ring their GP / adult social services depending on what they already have in place and tell them your concerns so that they can add it to their notes and keep an eye next time they visit

I think you've read the situation just right, they sound like negative people adding very few positives to your life so I would reduce contact, dont rely on them for anything and look externally for childcare that way you won't feel beholden to them when you do visit.

That sounds really difficult... I used to go crackers when my mother put everything down to teething!!! My lovely brother in law used to say in jest, you could tell my mother that one of our children had shrapnel in their leg and she would put it down to teething.. we never did get to the bottom of her teething obsession, maybe unresolved trauma of being an unsupported mother of tiny babies.

Munchausens by proxy?

It's not you. It's them.

You might need to take a step back and rely on them less.

Do you live with them? It sounds like it when you said that when you're working full time you will be able to afford to rent privately.

They sound like they are the ones with serious issues. Maybe even Munchausens. You need to seriously consider reducing contact, don’t tell them health-related things about any of you, and get public transport or Ubers to appointments and etc.

You absolutely can talk to perinatal about this. They will not think you are weird. That's because you are not weird. Your parents are though.

I was going to say Munchausen. Ive known someone like this who was diagnosing grandchildren with everything under the sun. Adult child went NC

No we just will be moving into a bigger property once 2 full time wages in. But for some reason they are really negative about anything we have as we aren't particularly flash. (Just buy what we need and practicality) which to them means we are destitute 😅 i just don't see the point in a big car on finance when we bought a little run about outright..

So they assume we will never be able to have a bigger home..which doesn't make sense when household income doubles, so guessing its just negativity for the sake of being negative?

My partner has car for work atm but its temporary situation

OP, your parents are emotionally abusive, extremely controlling and manipulative, and sound quite unstable. I would definitely look for alternative childcare and I would be stepping right back from your parents if I were in your situation. They aren't good for you and they aren't good for your child.

I think that, if you've been brought up by people like that, it can be quite hard for you to know what a healthy parent-child relationship is like. Also - while I don't want to make assumptions as I don't know you and don't know what traits of autism you do and don't have - I'm wondering if perhaps you find it hard to 'read' their behaviour or motives.

I would definitely talk to your perinatal team and explain not only what they are like with your daughter but what they were like with you as a child, and also about the extreme reactions/emotional blackmail etc. I think you'd actually benefit from some counselling or therapy to help you see the situation a bit more clearly. You will not sound insane, by the way! You sound perfectly sane and sensible, and you sound like a great mum.

Does your husband ever witness your parents' behaviour towards you and your daughter? If so, what does he think about it?

next time they say you are making them depressed offer to take them to their GPs for support - Absolutely do NOT do this. It will only make things worse. They are adults and if they're depressed (which I doubt they are) they can take themselves to the bloody doctor. Fussing over them is just going to give them more power over you and encourage codependent behaviour.

"...they blew up saying they will never see her again and if she is sick they don't care..."

That is highly disordered thinking. They have some fairly severe mental health issues. I would go NC with these toxic people. At the very least I would make it clear that you will not discuss your baby's health with them. Set that as a clear boundary and stick to it. Your daughter does not need the burden of growing up thinking there is something wrong with her because her grandparents keep telling her she is flawed.

The doctors have said that your precious baby girl is fine. Trust them.

I agree with this. It’ll look like you are the one fabricating symptoms. The problem is your parents. They’re abusive. Munchausens by proxy comes to mind.

You have to go NC

Agree with everyone else OP, this is seriously messed up thinking/behaviour from your parents and you do need to distance yourself. The 'Stately Homes' threads on the Relationships board would be a good place for you to get support, the posters there understand toxic/batshit parents and the chaos they create

Also agree with this - yes it’s easier to go along with what your parents are saying and then prove them wrong but you could start making the medical professionals suspicious of you.

OP my mum was a bit like this. DS couldn't put his hand anywhere near his ear without her stating he had an ear infection and needed medical attention - there’d be no temperature and he was fine in himself but no she was adamant he was poorly - no he wasn’t! My mum also tried to make out that I struggled with day to day life e.g where I positioned my clothes airer was wrong and the clothes wouldn’t dry there, I needed to position it somewhere else of her choosing - the clothes dried fine where they originally were.
It was never about the actual thing and always about her being able to pat herself on the back at getting me to do something - it was about control.
I do wonder if your parents are the same - they get some sort of kick out of getting you to do things that are unnecessary? Some parents can be very very strange. And whatever your parents’ motive for this behaviour you need to put a stop to it.