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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take this further?

26 replies

DoubleScreens · 31/01/2024 15:47

I have name changed for this. I have stage 4 cancer and treated bi polar. I am on quetiapine for a mood stabiliser but it is an anti psychotic. I'm also on the max dose of venlafaxine.

I took a week off work and on my return today I had a return to work with my managers manager, who frankly was so offensive it has shaken me to the core.

I work in the nhs in an admin role and this is a snippet of the conversation I had with my managers manager.

She asked me if I'd increased my medications whilst I was off, googled the quetiapine and said oh an antipsychotic, are you even safe to work here ?

Then later in the conversation about my absence (which wasn't because of my mental health) she said who am I actually dealing with here? Are you a risk to me and the other staff?

Wtf??? No. I'm not a risk. It's a mood stabiliser. Even if I was a 'risk' I disclosed it to occy health.

Problem is who do I take this to? She's the head of the service and not my direct manager. There is no one above her.

The more the day goes on the angrier I'm getting. I am in a union

OP posts:
Tel12 · 31/01/2024 15:52

I would have said go to HR but as you are in a union they may well be your best bet. I am sorry to hear of your health issues. It's appalling that you have been spoken to like this. I would suggest that you write everything down while it's fresh in your mind and make sure that a union rep accompanies you to any further meetings. Hope you get some actual support soon.

Mikkismum · 31/01/2024 15:55

This is an issue for HR.
First write everything down while it is fresh in your mind. Then look up your complaints/grievance procedure - this should be readily available for all staff - and contact your union for advice/support. You may also find it useful to contact ACAS.

GoonieGang · 31/01/2024 15:57

Please take it further. It’s totally unacceptable and discriminatory.

CheckoutOneIsClosing · 31/01/2024 16:00

It sounds as though she's the dangerous one!

Catza · 31/01/2024 17:18

Both union and HR. If it's quick enough to get union rep support, then contact them first so they can support you with HR report. If there isn't an accessible rep in your area, then call ACAS.

Original poster
DoubleScreens · 31/01/2024 18:20

Catza · 31/01/2024 17:18

Both union and HR. If it's quick enough to get union rep support, then contact them first so they can support you with HR report. If there isn't an accessible rep in your area, then call ACAS.

That's really handy actually thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleScreens · 31/01/2024 20:09

I have contacted my rep and I have found an email for hr but I'm worried that hr is more for arse covering and they will just help her not me?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 31/01/2024 20:29

HR if it exists, the Trust that funds your organisation? or ACAS can give you advice if not in a union. This sounds like horrific ableism and that person needs to be stopped. Were there any other witnesses to the conversation? How can they allege that someone on antipsychotics is dangerous and unsafe to work in the NHS? I'm shocked to the core. And your absense was totally unrelated to this anyway. Can she even know about your medications if you haven't told her? I'd be even seeking legal advice. They could be taken to Tribunal over this type of thing.

Original poster
DoubleScreens · 01/02/2024 02:43

I can't sleep because I'm so bloody angry. I'm going to wait til my boss gets back from annual leave and send her an email. I'm also going to ask in a round about way to try and find out what he contact I need to use (there are loads).

Not interested in the politics of nhs toxic workplaces, I think I'm good at my job, but I will not let this drop so no doubt I'll have to move jobs.

It's all stupid little things like I work in a tiny team and they all had advent calendars in December, I was off for the first week of December because I had a bad reaction to my cancer meds but I was back from the second week and didn't get an advent calendar. I'm also not in the work whatsapp group despite asking at least 10 times.

It all adds up to a really shit working environment

OP posts:
Namemchangeforthispostonly101 · 01/02/2024 02:46

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

Original poster
DoubleScreens · 01/02/2024 02:51

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

Thank you! They wrote it all down in a book 'to talk to hr about you' which is ridiculous.

I'm going to call my union rep if I haven't heard from them by lunch time.

I'm not sure if I should be emailing my manager whilst she's off as she has no access to her emails at all whilst she's on a/l, kind of makes Monday difficult if I do or don't. I can't win really!

OP posts:
SleepingBeautySnores · 01/02/2024 02:58

I'm SO sorry to hear about this OP, and with you working in the NHS I would not have expected such ignorance in a million years. Quite honestly it sounds like you'd be much better off working elsewhere, but thankfully, never having been in your situation, I don't know how easy it would be to get another job with your health problems. However, seeing that you're still awake, I just wanted to send you my support, and like a previous poster, hope you will come back and let us know what happens. This truly is outrageous behaviour on such a senior person's part, and they deserve to be severely reprimanded, and made to do some sort of training, so that they are better equipped for the job. Either that, or they should be sacked! In my opinion, the later, would be most appropriate, however we all know that with senior management that's VERY unlikely to happen! Good luck OP, we're on your side!

DaftyLass · 01/02/2024 03:01

I have no idea about the rules and regulations, but damn! That is such a shitty way for them to have acted!
They are wrong on so many levels

HunkMarvin · 01/02/2024 03:09

Agree with PPs about union and HR together if you can

are you in a Hospital? If so this might be something your Freedom to Speak Up Guardian can help with too

sorry Op, it sounds really shitty

pikkumyy77 · 01/02/2024 03:14

So sorry this is happening to you!

DramaAlpaca · 01/02/2024 03:32

This is awful. No advice, but I'm sorry this is happening to you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/02/2024 03:40

You have had good advice about contacting your union rep before HR if possible.

But remember that HR is not there to protect you, just like it isn’t there to protect the fuckwit manager. It is there to protect the corporation. And a lot of times these, the first person to be offended (or report offense) wins. I’d email HR ASAP, even if it were just a basic ‘I’d like to speak about an incident that occurred with MR Fuckwit. Please could we arrange an appointment to do that?’

How soon until you can speak to your union rep?

Original poster
DoubleScreens · 01/02/2024 21:08

Well little update I have emailed hr and my manager, and the freedom
To speak up man too

OP posts:
Gazelda · 01/02/2024 21:49

I'd email your union too OP. Even if you don't want them to get involved at this stage, it won't hurt to have them aware of the situation so that they can be ready if you need their input.

I'm shocked at how you were spoken to. I hope you get a strongly supportive response from HR and that the manager realises her appalling behaviour, bias and lack of management skills.

Original poster
DoubleScreens · 01/02/2024 22:15

Gazelda · 01/02/2024 21:49

I'd email your union too OP. Even if you don't want them to get involved at this stage, it won't hurt to have them aware of the situation so that they can be ready if you need their input.

I'm shocked at how you were spoken to. I hope you get a strongly supportive response from HR and that the manager realises her appalling behaviour, bias and lack of management skills.

Hi! Yes I have also emailed my rep but I haven't heard back from them so I'm going to go and explore and have a look where they are in the hospital and speak to them on my break. I'm like the invisible woman at the moment.

If I walk into a room everyone stops talking and my managers deputy walks out of the room if I walk in.. idiot

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 01/02/2024 23:14

I also work in NHS and had a situation with a knobhead boss who was also the biggest manager in the line. Above him would only have been the Head of section, such as Therapies/Surgery/Admin/Medicine/Maintenance, who would have been someone I didn't know who didn't know me from Adam either.

In the end I phoned my union, who explained how they could support me (basically my only option was a grievance procedure) and also googled my Trusts "Freedom to speak up" champion and told them what had gone on. All hospitals have to have this role now, which admittedly my situation didn't QUITE come under their remit but they were really helpful and gave me the confidence to challenge knobhead boss myself.

I totally understand you might be feeling vulnerable and not brave enough to go down the grievance procedure/policy route, but you could start by emailing her about her comments. She'd be very very stupid to a)not respond or b)respond negatively, and if she knows by emailing you have a record of things.

I'm guessing others will have suggested this (I've not read everyone's replies yet) but make a diary of everything she says, times, dates, and I'd possible who you remember being present at the time.

I really hope you find the confidence to challenge this.

Ps. If her initials are HH then commiserations! I wouldn't be in your shoes again for a gold pig.

FarmGirl78 · 01/02/2024 23:17

Just read all your replies.

🤦🏻‍♀️ That'll teach me to read the full thread. Well done you for taking it further!

SleepingBeautySnores · 02/02/2024 11:41

Really pleased to hear that you've started the ball rolling with regard to making a complaint OP. Please remember to come back and let us know as things progress. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
DoubleScreens · 03/02/2024 16:28

A little update. I have spoken to the freedom to speak up guardian, and I have spoken to HR. Sadly both got back to me too late to really do anything yesterday but I've made an appointment to call the freedom to speak up guardian after work.

I've written down a contemporaneous note of what happened in the meeting, how it made me feel, how my managers deputy has ignored me for 3 days after the meeting with the big boss.

I have drafted an email to my manager but I've got an appointment with her on Monday anyway so I might bring it up to her then, or I might just keep quiet about the whole situation.

I've been totally ignored by my deputy manager and she walks off if I talk to her or try and get involved in banter.

Then she also made a comment on Thursday morning which to me indicates that she has been told by the big boss that I have bi polar because out of nowhere on Thursday morning she said she had less debt because she had got on top of her bipolar..

OP posts:
Catza · 04/02/2024 09:13

DoubleScreens · 03/02/2024 16:28

A little update. I have spoken to the freedom to speak up guardian, and I have spoken to HR. Sadly both got back to me too late to really do anything yesterday but I've made an appointment to call the freedom to speak up guardian after work.

I've written down a contemporaneous note of what happened in the meeting, how it made me feel, how my managers deputy has ignored me for 3 days after the meeting with the big boss.

I have drafted an email to my manager but I've got an appointment with her on Monday anyway so I might bring it up to her then, or I might just keep quiet about the whole situation.

I've been totally ignored by my deputy manager and she walks off if I talk to her or try and get involved in banter.

Then she also made a comment on Thursday morning which to me indicates that she has been told by the big boss that I have bi polar because out of nowhere on Thursday morning she said she had less debt because she had got on top of her bipolar..

Please also mention the last bit to the HR as a breach of confidentiality.