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AIBU?

to tell MIL SIL is not welcome at our home

50 replies

cherrycola1986 · 31/01/2024 13:14

Long story short. SIL has been very rude to me over the years and at Christmas she made a number of inappropriate remarks to both myself and DH, but was much more passive aggressive with me. It's not the first time she has been like that with me. We ended up driving home earlier than we had planned due to her behaviour. After Christmas I told DH enough was enough and I would be putting in place a number of boundaries to protect myself from her behaviour. One boundary has involved going no contact with her. DH still sends her the odd message but I won't even go as far as that.

MIL is talking about the summer and has already in a roundabout way suggested that SIL comes and visits us for a week. I've already told DH that this is very much not a good idea, but he threw up the fact that if I say no I am in effect stopping him from seeing his family. Her visit last summer was quite frankly a disaster and she just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

MIL is calling later. AIBU to tell her to forget about her DD coming to stay and actually tell her the real reason why I don't want that woman in my home?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

345 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
7%
You are NOT being unreasonable
93%
CustardySergeant · 31/01/2024 13:18

Of course you should tell your MIL exactly why you don't want your SIL in your home.

Billybagpuss · 31/01/2024 13:18

How are your finances? I recommend you take a holiday and leave DH to it.
i’m sure the mn vipers can recommend some wonderful single getaways for you for the week they are visiting.

what sort of things do you like to do? Does it need a hot tub?

Aptique · 31/01/2024 13:19

This sounds familiar. I wouldn't have someone in my home who was rude to me. That's your home, your dh can go see her at her place.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/01/2024 13:19

Why does SiL have to stay at your house?

Freakinfraser · 31/01/2024 13:21

Have you posted this before?

Mumof2teens79 · 31/01/2024 13:21

How are we supposed to know without actually knowing what she has done?
Lots of MNers get outraged by behaviour that I find pretty normal and reasonable...and I think extreme reactions like "going NC" are just that extreme, but far too overused lately.

If going NC is just one boundary I wonder what the others are.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 31/01/2024 13:25

It disturbs me that your DH feels that he wants to host her, if she is as rude and unpleasant as you feel she is.
You need to work through that with him. If he is not going to support you in this, then where does that leave you ? Presumably it is his home too ?
I don’t disagree at all with you having your boundaries, but DH need to be onboard with this one.

LittleOwl153 · 31/01/2024 13:26

I have a feeling you have posted before... if you have links g back might help!

I would be very much telling DH that someone who is always rude and agressive towards me and could not be civil to me would not be welcome in the safe space of my home.

And to his response of stopping him seeing his family - is he incapable of going to visit them then?

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 31/01/2024 13:30

It's much better coming from your Dh it's his family, his circus

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 31/01/2024 13:30

Go on holiday as a an earlier poster said.

Or make it clear to him that he can have her over if he wants but you will literally be pretending she doesnt exist and it will be a horrible atmosphere. Dont get dragged in to a discussion.

He buys shopping, cooks for her, talks to her, takes time off. You will be walking in and out of rooms and actively ignoring her.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 31/01/2024 13:32

And as someone else said, you dont answer that call, DH does. His family, his circus. Go to bed with a headache if you dont want to be direct.

SwingTheMonkey · 31/01/2024 13:34

Wasn’t this posted a couple of weeks back? You shouldn’t have to leave your own home - you aren’t stopping your DH from seeing his family, he can see his sister anywhere except your home.

TheSnowyOwl · 31/01/2024 13:36

Leave this to your DH to discuss. Either you go on holiday when she visits or else she stays elsewhere and doesn’t come into your house.

emmaempenadas · 31/01/2024 13:52

Sil in law can stay at mil and dh can go visit them

cerisepanther73 · 31/01/2024 14:10

Hi @cherrycola1986


Ask your husband why is it acceptable for any family member to speak to you in a way that you wouldn't put up with if it was a random member of public or work mate or mean girls mate then?


I would either book a pamper healthspa session or vist your friend at a cafe or do something you enjoy or curious about hobbies interests,
as much as possible whenever she visits,


Definitely tell your mother in law what the issue
Don't expect her to get it understand as its her family,

But definitely put in robust boundaries in which your husband is expected to go over to vist her instead,

It sounds as if she is a bit jealous of the fact you are close to your husband and she has to share him
she sounds quite weird 😳 and seriously insecure,

Your husband definitely needs to be supportive I know it's tricky awarkward and difficult as it's his family,

If she does come over to vist treat her in business like manner,
Make an excuse you have headache and need to go upstairs

Or

whenever you have the misfortune to come across her
Just say in front of her I've noticed whenever i see you
I allways develop a banging head ache 😩 i wish I could get Rid of,

It Only seems to go away when you disappear...
You seem 🤔 have a weird effect on people...

Tinkerbyebye · 31/01/2024 14:11

Tell your dh he can go and stay with his sister if he is that worried about seeing her.

cherrycola1986 · 01/02/2024 09:59

update: SIL never wants to step foot in our home again and won't be visiting again. I had a very large celebratory drink last night. I think I can live with having to see her for a mere few hours each year.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/02/2024 10:12

Result!

velvetstars · 01/02/2024 10:20

Wow, that's a result. What led to that change of heart?

HalebiHabibti · 01/02/2024 10:48

Fantastic! She did sound insane.

ianshe · 01/02/2024 11:04

HalebiHabibti · 01/02/2024 10:48

Fantastic! She did sound insane.

Insane? Did she? Did I miss something?

KreedKafer · 01/02/2024 11:12

Glad this is resolved but I don't really understand why your MIL would be trying to arrange for her adult daughter to go and stay with people in the first place.

StaunchMomma · 01/02/2024 12:54

Have you posted about the SIL before? This is ringing bells.

Either way, you have a DH problem, OP.

If he's prepared to agree with you that his Dsis is out of order to you and then still wants to allow her to come and stay in your home then he is a spineless shit, I'm afraid.

Does he always prioritise his Mum and Sis over you? Let me guess, he doesn't like confrontation and they have adult tantrums when things don't go their way? He doesn't want to upset them but he's fine upsetting you because he knows you'll put up with it?

Tale as old as time!

StaunchMomma · 01/02/2024 12:56

MISSED THE UPDATE!

Hallelujah! Great outcome.

Still think you need to kick DH's butt a bit, tho 😆

PaperRhino · 01/02/2024 13:05

Congratulations on the result!!! I hope you enjoyed your celebratory drink.

My MIL and SIL bullied me for years when I was married as I was a lot younger than my ex-H and his vile sibling. I wish I'd stood firm from the beginning as when I finally gained the confidence to stand up to her she already felt very entitled to meddle in my life / criticise everything I did and it took a lot of effort to keep her at bay. MIL was fine with me on my own but SIL was a massive narcissist and MIL behaved like a flying monkey when she was around.

Ex-H never stood up to them which is one reason I am now divorced and I'm completely no contact with him and his sister!

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