to tell MIL SIL is not welcome at our home

[cherrycola1986]

Long story short. SIL has been very rude to me over the years and at Christmas she made a number of inappropriate remarks to both myself and DH, but was much more passive aggressive with me. It's not the first time she has been like that with me. We ended up driving home earlier than we had planned due to her behaviour. After Christmas I told DH enough was enough and I would be putting in place a number of boundaries to protect myself from her behaviour. One boundary has involved going no contact with her. DH still sends her the odd message but I won't even go as far as that.

MIL is talking about the summer and has already in a roundabout way suggested that SIL comes and visits us for a week. I've already told DH that this is very much not a good idea, but he threw up the fact that if I say no I am in effect stopping him from seeing his family. Her visit last summer was quite frankly a disaster and she just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

MIL is calling later. AIBU to tell her to forget about her DD coming to stay and actually tell her the real reason why I don't want that woman in my home?

The only thing we know about her is OP thinks she's rude!

God I’m so exhausted by these threads. Family dynamics are so tricky to navigate, especially in laws etc. why can’t people just be a bit more tolerant, self reflective and exercise a little goddam grace. I hate how going “NC” with family members has become so normalised and celebrated. toxic.

I know this is resolved now as she doesn’t want to come anyway, but why would your MIL be arranging visits for SIL to your house? Is SIL a child? Is MIL her carer?

The OP's previous threads make the SIL sound controlling and basically a stroppy child in adult form. In our house such people are succinctly referred to as 'batshit' and avoided like the plague!

Perhaps insane was the wrong word, in retrospect. Anyway - result, OP!

MIL thought SIL needed a break as her EXH divorced her years ago and she’s not moved on. As a result she is a very bitter and being around her is like walking constantly on eggshells. She makes me feel very uncomfortable and over the years has made a number of very inappropriate comments to me. After visiting us last year she just disappeared to bed halfway through an evening meal. She then confronted me on the stairs and said it was very evident her brother and me had a confident relationship but she doesn’t have that. Then at Christmas she made comment after comment to me and more so to DH. We ended up travelling home a couple of days earlier. When we visited her new home when reluctantly showing me around (I didn’t ask) she even the open her wardrobe doors and shouted at me about did I want to see in there too?! She said to my face my family were Scrooge and the Grinch as we just do Secret Santa. It was all said with malice despite her backtracking when DH walked into room and realised we still buy gifts for children. She’s hard work.

Ive decided to go no contact with her. I told DH I would never stop him from seeing her but if she wanted to visit (we live miles from her) she would need to stay elsewhere. I don’t want a relationship with her. The best thing is to keep her at arms length. I told MIL I would be polite to SIL when I saw her but that would be as far as it goes.

Happy this is resolved op.
I have a lot of sympathy.
Dh's sibling was very rude to me but it was done on sm for all my friends to see.
I have gone very lc.

My dh is very supportive as he knows how upset I was. This person will never come to our home again, it's my safe space and if dh wants to see them then he will do so elsewhere.
Unfortunately other family members just think I should let it go and yet have never suggested to person that they apologise, strange that.

I think unless someone has been on the receiving end of unwarranted personal attacks they don't understand how upsetting is is

@Tilleuil why should you be the one to let it go??

At Christmas she even said to me how ridiculous it is to hold a grudge against someone for a comment that is taken the wrong way. I knew she was referring to me so I said there was such a thing as boundaries and if somebody crosses that then there is no going back or forgiveness.

glad your SIL isn’t coming to your sanctuary and your DH has your back.

@cherrycola1986 surely it should also depend on whether someone genuinely apologised for the comment as well, which I highly doubt given your posts.

@Billybagpuss never apologised for telling me I didn’t understand men and their sexual needs! Not said in jest anyway but this was the first nail in the coffin as far as I was conce.

update: SIL never wants to step foot in our home again and won't be visiting again.

How did you find that out? Did SIL call you? Or did MIL speak to her then speak to you?

@SoreAndTired1 I pre-empted it with MIL when she started talking about the school summer holidays. Before she could say anything about coming for a summer holiday, I said that SIL visiting isn't a good idea to which she replied She I "didn't need to worry" as SIL "never wanted to set foot in our house again!"

YANBU but why would it even be suggested in the first place? Why would a SIL stay at your house for weeks?

I wonder what led to her divorce?

Did you manage to restrain the mad grin of delight, OP 😂

Does MiL live with you?
Good result re sil not wanting to visit "ever again"... now make sure she can't back track. She sounds like the type to change her mind because you're happy with that.

@TTCSoManyQuestions88 it was suggested because MIL thought a break might do SIL good following how she has been feeling since the divorce. Last year was "sold" to me that she was coming for a break and to look after our DD for a week with her DC10. This is what DH and MIL had said, but I had said DD would be fine going to holiday club etc.

However, the reality was she was coming to stay with us for some "emotional support" which I only found out about AFTER her visit. Neither DH or I had the capacity or headspace to offer her support when we had a number of stressors going on at the same time - DH was having to make redundancies at work and I was going through a health scare and some other bits. Apparently she wanted to get the first train home (lives hours away from us) because we offered her no support!

@BringOnFebBankHoliday no, they all live hours away from us. Where we live is seen as being a summer holiday for them.

I remember your previous posts. Sounds like a bloody win op!!

Hi OP, as of Christmas I'm in a very similar situation to you. My boundaries going forward are I'll tolerate seeing SiL at my in-laws when we go for big family events. (They live 3 hours away so we have to make a weekend of it when we do). DH can invite her to stay at ours if he wants to, as I don't want to stop him or our children from seeing her/ their cousins. But within that I've said I won't be here if she does visit - as my home won't feel like a safe/ comfortable space to me with her here. I've got family 2 hours away that I can go and stay with, can you do something similar?

Or alternatively I do think you're within your rights to say to DH he can see her but she's not welcome in your shared home.

Sorry, missed the update! Congratulations OP, I confess I'm jealous of your outcome. 😂

Ah thanks. I misunderstood, I thought SiL was coming to spend time with her mother.

Your recent post has sparked a memory, and I think I remember your thread last year. SiL sounds awful and I would take her never visiting again as a win!!

@mummabubs what has your SIL done? I like hearing stories to know I am not alone! Yes, that is pretty much the same for me. I will tolerate her at any family events, but that will be as far as it goes. I will also not stop DD from seeing her / cousins, but I won't be allowing DD to be going unsupervised with DH or MIL there and she won't be having any sleepovers at her house either. If it comes to it when DH really wants to see her on his own territory, then I will just leave him to deal with her and I'll go and spend time with my family who live nearby.

When we lived next street to sil we had an upstairs flat. Front door open with solid baby gate at the top. Sil could never fathom it so any chat was with the gate in between. She gave up pretty quick. Awful woman.

Your partner should support you by refusing to see her too.

His sister dosent care about his happiness.

Don't worry though let him carry on for now. In the end he will get pissed of and dump her too.

Let him realise in his own time.
In the meantime you don't have to see her.

Twas ever thus. People have been moving away from toxic family from the dawn of time. No new fad of going NC just the Internet now where people discuss it.