To think date is avoiding being alone with me?

[BrionyM]

We've been on a few dates in public places. Really nice time each time, last date was a lot passionate snogging.

This weekend we're due to go to a concert and then to mine to make dinner together. We've already talked about the dishes to make & what he'll bring. A couple of days ago he also mentioned being ill 'but I'm on the mend and will be better for Sat'.

Today he messaged saying he's still not 100% 'but at the very least will come to the concert with you.' Sat is 3 days away. Is it just me or is he avoiding being alone afterwards? The thought that he'll just disappear after is upsetting.

He's been divorced for 2 years & he admitted I'm the first person he's kissed since then. I can't shake the feeling he's going to be slow to commit but feel I can't see anything .

Also any advice on what to say to this potential change of plan to just coming to the concert.

Maybe things are moving too quickly for him. He might be just a really nice guy who had a bad break up and wants to take things slowly so that he can make good decisions?

@MILTOBE The thing is I don't know if that's what he wants because he hasn't said.

In any case the dinner at home is just a chance to spend time together in a relaxed environment. We don't need to have sex but to cuddle/kiss more. This is someone I like and want to be close to. I felt hurt when I read that message.

I think you're reading too much into it. I mean you could be right but I'd see how it goes

It sounds like he’s trying to manage your expectations.

Yes that's how it feels @Overtheatlantic but question is why?

For me, I don't need to have sex right away. But I do want to feel the relationship is moving forward.

Worst case scenario is that he isn’t actually divorced and now can’t get away from his wife overnight as he’d hoped.

But I’m guessing what’s more likely is that he is incredibly nervous about having sex for some reason. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction problems, or is prone to premature ejaculation. Or maybe he has some kind of hang up about his body, or the size of his willy or something. (Or, and let’s hope this is highly unlikely, he has a very untimely attack of genital herpes.)

Sounds like he’s nervous about taking it to the next level, and doesn’t want to have sex yet or be faced with the awkwardness of facing that situation. At this stage, I’d probably go with it, if I really liked him. Perhaps suggest you grab a bite at a restaurant after the concert.

So he's too ill to come to your house but can manage a noisy concert? Nah I'm not buying it.
If it were me I'd say don't worry get yourself better and we'll do something soon.
Then see if he suggests another date. If he doesn't then you'll know.
If you do go on another date then casually ask do you want to come to mine next time and gage his reaction face to face

The thing is, I wasn't even really thinking about sex. I was more thinking about having some privacy to snuggle and talk etc if we wanted to.

I worry about investing my feelings in someone who just isn't ready. I've done the work and am now ready for a relationship.

Maybe he is just not feeling well, and plans to make the effort to go to the concert but isn't sure about not just wanting to go home and crash afterwards?

I mean, it could just be that simple. I wouldn't read too much into it.

The thing is yesterday he was very enthusiastic about coming to mine and I was pleasantly surprised - I remember thinking 'huh, maybe I was wrong about him being slow to commit'

Then I get that message today.

Maybe he has an iffy tummy and worried about spending the night?

Different perspective. We all have a virus atm. It’s awful, dragging on and on. He could genuinely be feeling grotty. Feeling as I do after a couple of weeks, it would take a big effort to go to a concert.

I expect he's really nervous about what the expectations might be, but TBH I wouldn't be inviting a man into my home, if I didn't know him well enough/feel comfortable enough with him to have this conversation. Ask him.

I think he's nervous about getting physical. Something he's embarrassed about maybe.

Its not all about you though, there is two of you here and he clearly is trying to manage what he is comfortable with. Be patient, if there is potential there it will all work out

The thing is we don't have to get physical right away.

But I do want to eventually. I feel that if we can't even start with kissing and cuddling in privacy, where's it going to go?

As a woman in her early 30s, it's moving too slowly. I really like him though.

@Cas112 I know. I don't want to push.

My main fear is that we stay in a holding pattern of public dates with no sense of getting more intimate in private, even in small ways like cuddling/kissing.

He doesn’t know that, though. If he’s genuinely not been with somebody for two years I can imagine he might be nervous. I think I’d let him plan the next date and see where it leads.

Maybe he’s got a cold and a concert is fine, but he doesn’t want to snot and dribble all over you or blow his runny nose halfway through a snog?

Well @Whatdoesthatbuttondo two days ago most symptoms had cleared apart from a bit of a cough.

I said 'dont worry we can take it easy' and he said 'no need I'll be ok by then!' Seems odd.

After “a few dates” honestly, you’re putting too much pressure on him/over analysing.

I think you should take some of your eggs out of this basket. You barely know this person. It's far too soon to be thinking about a long term relationship.

If this is the first time you have arranged to meet privately, and therefore it's the first time that he has 'avoided' it - it's really impossible to know if he is avoiding being alone with you or not.

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt this time, and see what happens next time?