To think date is avoiding being alone with me?

[BrionyM]

We've been on a few dates in public places. Really nice time each time, last date was a lot passionate snogging.

This weekend we're due to go to a concert and then to mine to make dinner together. We've already talked about the dishes to make & what he'll bring. A couple of days ago he also mentioned being ill 'but I'm on the mend and will be better for Sat'.

Today he messaged saying he's still not 100% 'but at the very least will come to the concert with you.' Sat is 3 days away. Is it just me or is he avoiding being alone afterwards? The thought that he'll just disappear after is upsetting.

He's been divorced for 2 years & he admitted I'm the first person he's kissed since then. I can't shake the feeling he's going to be slow to commit but feel I can't see anything .

Hmm, maybe then. He might just be a bit of a slow mover then.

Can you not just enjoy dating him and getting to know him? You say that coming over to yours and cooking together doesn't mean having sex but often that scenario does. I dated my current DP for several months before anything else happened between us. My take on it was that I'd gone faster in previous relationships and it hadn't worked, so I might as well try going slowly and see how that panned out. It's been 5+ years now and we're very happy together. I'm glad we had those early months of getting to know each other and just being chilled out in each other's company.

How long have you been seeing him. You've said 'a few dates'. This sounds like REALLY early days. Far too early for some people to think about 'moving things forward'.

Many people take their time. Thins is not a bad sign. He may well want to really check you out, see how compatible you really are over time.

He probably has a case mild diarrhoea, and can manage a concert with a bit of Imodium but not a passionate lovers' night.

@flusterbluff 2 months. The dates have been spread out due to Christmas and then his work trip.

Thats why it feels more slow moving. I've only been in a slow moving relationship once. He was self conscious about his penis size. Which turned out fine.

I wouldn't read too much into it as a one off. It is probably to do with being ill. Ie he doesn't really want to do the deed if he's all snotty or has a dodgy tum. Or just being in someone elses house with iffy guts isnt nice. Whether or not you were planning to have sex, being alone with someone in their home is definitely lining it up as a potential.
He clearly still wants to see you so I'd just take it at face value

Ey? How do you know about his penis size if you’ve only met in public places?!

The OP was talking about a PREVIOUS slow-moving relationship!

Oops, sorry. Totally missed that.

Why can't it just be he's worried about sex with someone new after at least 2 years? Why does it have to be ED/premature ejaculation/he's still married/small penis?

Have you made it clear there's no expectations?

You need to slow down, I panicked just reading your first message, it feels very intense.
2 months with just a few dates go out and have fun, having dinner at home et can wait if you are supposed to be together.

Have you told him you don't want sex?

Why not send him a playful message so he knows the invite to your house is not an invite to sex

He doesn't know that you weren't really thinking about sex, though, does he? Is there a non-awkward way for you to let him know you don't have any expectations around that?

Which is why I think some sort of anxiety specifically around sex (regardless of whether he has a specific hang-up about his 'performance' or his body, or whether he's simply nervous about sleeping with a new partner for the first time in a very long while, which would also be very understandable).

He's been OK (and presumably enthusiastic!) about passionate snogging, so he is obviously attracted to you! 😁

And I think if he was just like a commitment-phobic type thing, he would actually be more likely to be pushing to stay over early on so he could have the sex without having to build up a relationship, rather than trying to avoid it.

If the tables were turned, would you feel ok with the thought of him just hoping and trying to put you in situations where sex and intimacy is "the next step"

It's very strange, it's been a few dates, (I say this as someone who got married after two months) but a lot of men don't rush into sex all the time and he might be seeing how "he feels" before he commits to that level of intimacy yet!

That's a very good point @KreedKafer - maybe I need to think about a way to say there are no expectations without actually saying 'we don't need to have sex ok'.

Either that or I say nothing for now, follow his pace and bring it up if it carries on for a long time.

He messages or calls me every day which he has done since we met. I suppose it feels like not many dates (yet) for the actual time spent talking.

@joonam I don't want to rush or plan to rush him. I suppose not all men do rush. The one man I've been with who didn't rush had 1) body hang ups and 2) low sex drive

The boyfriends where we were compatible, sex came up in good time. Maybe he just wants to take it slow.

The physical side of a relationship is important to me. I don't want to be spend months together to then discover a problem. Looks like I'll need to wait and see.