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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Miserable on 40th birthday

35 replies

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 00:31

Hi all, it is my 40th birthday today and on it suddenly hit me how my family take me for granted. My husband left the country to attend his brothers 40th dinner for five days and even rearranged plans last minute for him. He didn't even take a half day off work to bring me out to lunch.

I only got flowers delivered to the house because I said it the day before my birthday.

His solution is to take me away for one night in an expensive hotel..... honestly no thank you. My birthday is over and not even to get a lunch or dinner on the day was disappointing. Sorry I took my parents out to lunch and my child on my birthday and paid for us. Happy birthday to me.

OP posts:

KnowledgeableMomma · 31/01/2024 00:41

Yikes. Hubby better be getting an earful about how horrid this is! 5 days out of the country for his brothers 40th??? Lunch break for his wife's 40???

You know what OP? Time for a week-long vacation in the Bahamas ALONE for you as the cure. Leave DH to his own devices to take care of everyone else and go relax in the sunshine!

readytoweep · 31/01/2024 00:45

Sorry to hear this OP.

Happy birthday to you and sending love and hugs.

people are rotten sometimes especially the ones who are meant to love us

whyamiawakestill · 31/01/2024 01:01

Sorry you e had a rubbish day and happy birthday.

My DH let me organise my whole 40th birthday, I was thinking it was a cover up or joke and he'd actually booked something.. but no

I spent the day kind of waiting for a friend to turn up, or something to happen, but at 6.30pm when I was cooking the kids tea I realised there really was nothing.

Some of our friends did pop over with wine and flowers at 7ish "passing" and realised it was my 40th as my DH saidin passing and they looked shocked and a bit awkward as I had to brush over why nothing had been said or planned.

It was an awful mess of a day emotionally and just a crashing realisation that I really wasn't valued much.

To be honest I'm still married but I think i feel out of love with him around that time.

I do think there is lots of drama about birthdays, but fior me it's just one day of the year where some effort is needed.

Original poster

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 01:31

I feel that too. Its my fault as I didn't specify what I wanted for my birthday. That's what I'm getting told. Feeling a bit less of the love

OP posts:

LurkingAndVenting · 31/01/2024 02:19

From my personal experience... great big NOPE re: him. If he was into you, he would have made time to plan something.

Similar happened for my 40th birthday. He went out to buy birthday gifts on the day of. 2 days later, I was taking our kids plus his adult-child from a previous relationship (and I have no bones against that adult-child) on a visit to a local farm... where at that time, I was driving that relationship that he let slip.

He's a man-child who's mum always planned events, milestones, holidays... it was just never his 'responsibility' and so he never did it.

And we're recently separated. He's not putting in much effort to his relationship with his children.

Feel free to spit on your husband's privilege where its practically expected that men forget important holidays, where for women ... its unforgivable.

SoSoNuts · 31/01/2024 08:57

If its your 40th birthday today how is it over? If this were me though I'd have spoken up about what I wanted the plans to be, for example can we go for a meal etc. When did he want to take you to a hotel? That sounds like a nice gesture to me?

Original poster

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 09:21

I wrote this post at 12.30am so my birthday had been officially over gor 30 minutes. Why didn't he organise this overpriced hotel on my birthday, why always far into the future. Its not like I'll be 40 on that date ever again. Honestly sitting in an overpriced expensive hotel room for one night and no sex is not very exciting.

OP posts:

SoSoNuts · 31/01/2024 09:24

It seems like there's a lot more going on than just being disappointed at your birthday plans.

PermanentTemporary · 31/01/2024 09:24

Im really sorry you had a crappy day. Happy birthday for yesterday and I hope you enjoy your 40s, they can be a great decade. What are you going to do for you?

I note that not much is planned for you and no sex either... hmm. I hope you make some plans yourself.

KreedKafer · 31/01/2024 09:26

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 09:21

I'm thinking this is not just about your birthday.

Zonic · 31/01/2024 09:27

Book that hotel O/P and just leave a note saying Taken for granted so I've taken myself off for a few days for a luxury break .

bradpittsbathwater · 31/01/2024 09:28

Is he usually this lazy and thoughtless? For a 40th he could have at least taken you out for lunch. Sorry no one made a fuss of you. Why did you have to pay for your parents food? I'd have thought they would have offered to pay if they could afford it for a 40th!

Aptique · 31/01/2024 09:29

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 01:31

I feel that too. Its my fault as I didn't specify what I wanted for my birthday. That's what I'm getting told. Feeling a bit less of the love

Why do you need to specify this? He's your dh, he can use his brains to think of something! For me this would a very wide eye opener to how little he thinks of you. For my 40th, I had a 3 month old and the last thing I wanted to do was leave the house. My dh organised is a whole weekend away at a luxury spa that catered for families. It turned out so special. If your dh can plan a 5day trip for someone else, he could have done it for you. Sorry you didn't have the birthday you planned op.

Musomama1 · 31/01/2024 09:32

I organised my own 40th - every little bit of it. I did get annoyed with DH as he didn't really help at all! But that's just him and that's just the way it is - he's not a party organisation type person.

Maybe that's just how it is with your DH and you should let it go - organise your own thing to avoid disappointment.

Divebar2021 · 31/01/2024 09:35

I went to Barcelona for my 40th. I’m not saying that to rub salt into your wounds but to try and highlight what I’d consider to be fairly normal couple behaviour. You need a big shake up and I don’t know what form that needs to take but something needs to happen.

Original poster

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 09:59

Not going to lie I was shocked too. I did say it to my parents..... all I got was we will pay you back

OP posts:

Original poster

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 10:02

It is. For his 40th during covid, I made plans and implemented them. For mine I got nothing. I'm tired of having to always organise, is it to much to get taken out from even lunch on my birthday or dinner when he finishes work. But sounds like I'd even have to organise that. Sorry just fed up today

OP posts:

OhCobblers · 31/01/2024 10:06

Really sorry for you OP he's a complete arsehole.

I've read so many similar threads on MN over the years and always so shocked by them, but the situations described generally seem to be the tip of the iceberg in the relationship.

It shows such a lack of care and love. I'd be re-evaluating. Sorry x

MumHereAgain2023 · 31/01/2024 10:16

Sorry Op that's really shit.

piscofrisco · 31/01/2024 10:25

Happy 40th op. I'm sorry it was shitty. I spent my 40th alone, having had a huge row with then DP the night before. He also hadn't organised anything (or ever did organise anything). That wasn't what the row was about but it probably should have been.
I took myself out to breakfast and whilst I was sitting there with my pot of tea for one, I asked myself : is this what I want for the rest of my life? Is this all I'm worth? And that answer to both of those was 'no'.

I took my DD's out to dinner that night and we booked a trip to New York. And the day after that I ended it with DP and I've never looked back.

CheckoutOneIsClosing · 31/01/2024 10:42

My dh organised a meal out for my 40th and invited my parents, sister and niece.
It was nice but BIL and niece sat looking at their phones throughout and we paid for the lot despite being monumentally skint.

I told myself I'd built it up too much in my mind and it was just nice to see them.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2024 10:55

My husband isn't fussed about birthdays at all, and is shit at making plans for anything. But even he will keep asking what I want to do for my birthday, and if I do want to do something, or want a specific present, he will organise what I've said I want. I do think it's shit your husband didn't even ask you, just assumed if you said nothing that you wanted nothing.

Though if he has form for this, I'm not sure why you wouldn't just say 'please can you organise a weekend away/ nice family meal / a night out with friends for my birthday'...yes it's sometimes shit to have to ask, when you do things for others without them asking. But it's not as shit as sitting at home with no plans feeling resentful. I'd rather feel resentful that I had to ask, but still had a good birthday, if that makes sense

HarrietTheFireStarter · 31/01/2024 10:58

I think 40 is like that for a lot of women. Then you sort out priorities and life gets better. Plus children grow older/parents die so you have fewer responsibilities which helps enormously.

jackstini · 31/01/2024 11:05

That is really crappy OP