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Original poster

Miserable on 40th birthday

35 replies

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 00:31

Hi all, it is my 40th birthday today and on it suddenly hit me how my family take me for granted. My husband left the country to attend his brothers 40th dinner for five days and even rearranged plans last minute for him. He didn't even take a half day off work to bring me out to lunch.

I only got flowers delivered to the house because I said it the day before my birthday.

His solution is to take me away for one night in an expensive hotel..... honestly no thank you. My birthday is over and not even to get a lunch or dinner on the day was disappointing. Sorry I took my parents out to lunch and my child on my birthday and paid for us. Happy birthday to me.

OP posts:
aarghnotmeagain · 31/01/2024 11:35

My H was utterly shit on my 40th too. I wish I had left him then in retrospect, but had given birth 4 weeks earlier, had a baby who screamed all night ( that dealt with by myself whilst H slept soundly in another part of the house). I didn't want a big do, but was clear I wanted him to do something, but nada. He did take the day off work but used it to have a rest himself and never took the baby or any of 'my chores' to give me a rest, protesting angrily, ' Don't I get a rest?!'

Based on that, if I were you OP I would use this to re-evaluate if you want to stay with him at all. These events are a window into how things really are in the relationship and how they really view you, and themselves. .

pontipinemum · 31/01/2024 11:41

Happy belated birthday. You shouldn't have to spell it out. I know with my husband I do though.

I would love for DH to organise something not just 'I'll pay you organise it'

Beebumble2 · 31/01/2024 11:41

HarrietTheFireStarter · 31/01/2024 10:58

I think 40 is like that for a lot of women. Then you sort out priorities and life gets better. Plus children grow older/parents die so you have fewer responsibilities which helps enormously.

This^^
I can’t remember anything special for my 40th. My birthday is just after Christmas, the worst time anyway, but all the milestones since have involved trips abroad to see NY in. So they’ve made up for all the others.
For a normal birthday year, I make the whole month of January my birthday month, organising small different events with family and friends.

Beebumble2 · 31/01/2024 11:42

Happy January birthday 🎂🎉

Cupine · 31/01/2024 12:03

I’ve never bought into the whole ‘birthdays get less important/it’s immature to make a big deal of it’ thing.

After a particularly shitty big birthday I decided to plan a trip alone for subsequent birthdays and I’ve not been disappointed again since.

newyearnewknees · 31/01/2024 12:09

piscofrisco · 31/01/2024 10:25

Happy 40th op. I'm sorry it was shitty. I spent my 40th alone, having had a huge row with then DP the night before. He also hadn't organised anything (or ever did organise anything). That wasn't what the row was about but it probably should have been.
I took myself out to breakfast and whilst I was sitting there with my pot of tea for one, I asked myself : is this what I want for the rest of my life? Is this all I'm worth? And that answer to both of those was 'no'.

I took my DD's out to dinner that night and we booked a trip to New York. And the day after that I ended it with DP and I've never looked back.

I love this!

HippyCritical · 31/01/2024 12:10

Beware the partner who wants you to remember your occasions for the wrong reasons.

HappyToSmile · 31/01/2024 12:30

Firstly, Happy belated birthday !!
You wanted some effort and thought for your birthday which is not surprising.
I'm going to presume this is actually a culmination of a lot of things and this is not one isolated incident.
If you don't want to sort them out or you think he won't listen, I'd use yesterday as the realisation you need to do things differently. After another thoughtless mothers day, that's what I did.
I started doing stuff for me (it usually involved my young son too) and it took the expectation away because I was having fun anyway.
Yes....he is now my ex.

Original poster
Danlerl · 31/01/2024 14:28

I didn't eant fancy or expensive gifts. I only realised on my actually birthday day that he didn't take time out for me but did for his brothers birthday. Short sighted of me but between children, work and studies, it would be be nice to see actions rather than consistently spelling everything out. For his 40th I did, I didn't say to him what do you want. Maybe I'm wrong.

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 31/01/2024 15:18

Danlerl · 31/01/2024 14:28

I didn't eant fancy or expensive gifts. I only realised on my actually birthday day that he didn't take time out for me but did for his brothers birthday. Short sighted of me but between children, work and studies, it would be be nice to see actions rather than consistently spelling everything out. For his 40th I did, I didn't say to him what do you want. Maybe I'm wrong.

You're not wrong - he is
He should want to do something amazing and special for such a milestone birthday
This is the person who is supposed to love you above anything else
And he can do it for his own brother ......

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