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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship with friends ex

33 replies

SquirrelySponges · 30/01/2024 21:46

I shall try and keep this brief. I have been friends with a man since school. We are both in our 40s, both single parents. We have recently reconnected and are getting on very very well. The thing I'd I used to work with his ex and became friends with her when they were together. They were together for 8 years but haven't been together now for about 6 years and she has married someone so has clearly moved on. I haven't seen her for about a year and quite rarely before that but we do have some friends in common.

I have had a really rough couple of years and feel like I deserve happiness and just want the best for me and my kids. I feel like that may be with this man. But would I be a complete bitch to go for it? Would I lose all my friends? Nothing much has happened yet so this is basically me asking.... do I go for it and see what happens or do I run away now before things get complicated?

YABU - That would be a shit thing to do so stay away

YANBU - You deserve to be happy and they are clearly definitely over, go for it

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 30/01/2024 22:19

If you’ve had a long lasting friendship with this man and you’re not overly close to the ex then I would go for it.
If you feel confident then you could maybe chat to one of your friends about it and see if she suggests chatting to the ex but if it was me I wouldn’t be bothered, especially if it was over 6 years ago and I was now married to someone else. I suppose it depends on how they broke up, was it amicable or a bad break up?

Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 30/01/2024 22:23

@Hiddenvoice She left him but it was amicable and still is. But she is the mother of his children which makes things a little more complicated I think. Sorry, should probably have added that to the OP.

OP posts:
VeryGoodVeryNice · 30/01/2024 22:31

Hmm. Tricky one. I was the person who got together with my friend’s ex, they’d broken up years before and I honestly couldn’t see her having a problem with it, but she did, massively, and we never spoke again.

On the other hand, the father of my dd got together with someone that I was loosely kind of friends with, and I was pleased because she’s nice and I knew she’d be a good influence on dd. I’d personally rather that than a random that I knew nothing about.

I think messaging her to almost ask for permission would be a bit strange, as you say she’s moved on. I guess you just go for it if this guy means more to you than potentially losing her as a friend. I’m sure even if she’s a bit weirded out initially she’ll get her head around it.

Bluenotgreen · 30/01/2024 22:33

Oh, I was all for it until you dropped the children.

No, I think I would back off.

Hiddenvoice · 30/01/2024 22:34

@SquirrelySponges yeah that does make it slightly more awkward as they are still in regular contact then I guess.
Does he feel the same? Could you two go on a very quiet date and see how you feel?
you could then maybe speak to her and gage her reaction to it.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 30/01/2024 22:38

The kids thing does change it tbh ….. however I’ve been on the other end.

Whirlwind romance lasting 1 year and a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, we broke up, remained friends for a year then my best friend got together with him, they didn’t tell for me for 6 months but I guessed.
Sadly it’s her who doesn’t want to know, she can’t live with the guilt and is massively insecure.
such a shame as I’m happy for them both.
If you really like him, then go for it, and at the point it’s looking serious or going to become public knowledge I’d reach out and tell her yourself in person.
Honestly it’s so so hard to meet someone, chances are you’re connected to them. Go for it x

Michellebops · 30/01/2024 22:39

I would go for it 🩷

Grab that shot at being happy.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 30/01/2024 22:45

Go for it.

Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 30/01/2024 22:45

Thanks. I really do just want to be happy and the last thing I want is to upset anyone else which is why I'm torn. I know what my heart is saying but my head is saying the opposite. It may be that the ex wouldn't have a problem with it as she knew we were friends before she knew him etc. Maybe I need to give this more time and see what happens before making any decisions. Or the opposite and stop bloody thinking too much!

It's never easy is it. I just know how hard it is to find a connection with someone and don't want to chuck it away.

OP posts:
Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 30/01/2024 22:47

To clarify the kids bit. They have kids together. I have kids with my ex. And the ex has a new baby with her new husband.

OP posts:
VeryGoodVeryNice · 30/01/2024 22:51

I reckon just go for it, it might turn out to be a non starter anyway, he might do weird sex things that give you the ick or something 😂. But maybe if things are going well in a couple of months then drop her a courtesy message, just to say that you’ve been seeing him and you hope that she’s ok about it, and that you value her as a friend. Probably better to come from you than hear it through the grapevine.

Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 30/01/2024 22:52

VeryGoodVeryNice · 30/01/2024 22:51

I reckon just go for it, it might turn out to be a non starter anyway, he might do weird sex things that give you the ick or something 😂. But maybe if things are going well in a couple of months then drop her a courtesy message, just to say that you’ve been seeing him and you hope that she’s ok about it, and that you value her as a friend. Probably better to come from you than hear it through the grapevine.

That properly made me laugh thank you! Well that would help my indecision wouldn't it! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 30/01/2024 22:53

Thanks everyone, I was expecting more abuse so I appreciate the positive messages. I think maybe seeing how it goes for a little while and taking it from there is a good plan. If things go well I'll have to put my big girl pants on and have a chat with her I think x

OP posts:
PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 30/01/2024 22:59

Go for it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/01/2024 23:04

Yanbu. My friends ex and her former friend are now married and she's happy that her daughter has a decent step mum although she's not close to the friend anymore she was never best mates with her

Kattiekat · 31/01/2024 13:57

Life is short. Grab happiness where you can.

you are both single. The ex has moved on. You haven’t spoken to her for a year.

date for a month or so and keep the kids out of it to make sure it works for you both and then really he should be the one to tell her as he sees her because of their shared children.

KreedKafer · 31/01/2024 14:13

They split up six years ago. She's married to someone else and has had a child with her new partner. You haven't even seen her for year so you're clearly not close friends. And you've known this man since you were at school!

So yes, I would go for it. Will she be annoyed? Hopefully not, but if she is... so what? You can't let someone who isn't even a close friend dictate your life choices. It's up to her and her ex to manage things with their kids.

toomuchfaff · 31/01/2024 14:41

all depends who you value more; if she were to have an issue then would you be mortified if she cut all contact with you and were gone from your life? Or were you nothing more than acquaintance years ago and don't have any contact with her in your life now?

tom5431 · 31/01/2024 15:19

Go for it; life is to short.

I married my friends ex-wife (no cross-over; he left her and they divorced 8 year previously). I took him for a beer and told him we'd started seeing each other before he heard it from anyone else.

We're a decade on now; I still see him for a beer when he's in town.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 31/01/2024 15:40

Are you and her even really friends if you haven't seen eachother for a year or more? At what point do you just become people who know eachother?

NikNak321 · 01/02/2024 06:56

Another way to see it is...she knows and gets on with you. Would she not feel more comfortable with you spending time with her kids and if you got serious with her ex co-parenting? Isn't it better you than some random stranger she doesn't get on with and is no good for her kids. That's assuming you think well of one another. I'd go for it, but have a conversation early doors if it gets off the ground 👍

Quieter1 · 01/02/2024 07:15

Hi in no way are you being awful . Their relationship finished a very long time ago . I see no problem at all . Go for it . Don't let the chance of happiness go by . Talk to the your man friend and talk to your girl friend if it makes you feel better but even if she says not to it would jeopardise your friendship however much or little still go for it, she isn't a friend if she doesn't want to see you happy .

Summer210 · 01/02/2024 07:18

This exact situation happened with a person I know. They unfortunately lost the friendship but the relationship is still going strong and they have a LO now, so for them it has been worth the risk! Good luck

Justwondering89 · 01/02/2024 07:26

Life is short, if you have a shot at something meaningful definitely take it. I would send her a message out of courtesy as you'll have contact eventually with her during child exchanges etc.

Everyone deserves to be happy, you do you.

Casiemace · 01/02/2024 07:33

6 years is basically a lifetime to not be with anyone, you arent besties with this woman, shes happy with someone else, why deny yourself happiness with false loyalty, this man could be your entire future. Go for it and dont look back. If it makes you feel better maybe let her her know (do not ask permission) xxx

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