To ask for more help for ex with kids?

[ANONforthisone67374]

We have three children together and I'm struggling. I haven't asked for anything I've done it all on my own mostly for peace of mind because I can't be bothered with the drama that is his new partner. I can't work much due to having the kids and no childcare and in general I'm just struggling to do it all on my own. He does pay maintenance but this doesn't go far. I have no time to myself and I have no life. He can do what he likes without second thought and I'm just tired of struggling while he has a blast. I love my kids they mean everything but am I wrong for just wanting to be me again?

And I know someone will say ah you sound jealous I'm not jealous of him or his relationship or any of that I just want to have a life of my own where I can look back and say yh I still done the things I wanted to do.

I think that being a SAHM is a luxury many people can't afford, unfortunately. Is he paying a fair amount? How often does he look after the kids?

What do you mean the drama that is his new partner? What's his partner got to do with it?

Are you eligible for any assistance with childcare? There's a 15 hours scheme and a 30 hours scheme. These might help you work?

Does the ex see them at all? Could you suggest he looks after them every Saturday and then you could find a Saturday job?

Sorry I should have made it clear im not a stay at home mum. I do work but I'm very restricted with the hours and even then my parents provide the childcare not him. I work weekends and then have the kids during the week two of whom are sen.

I already work weekends so I never get a break I have the kids in the week and work on the weekends. The kids are school age but three different schools due to sen needs and a reduced timetable so even then I only get 2 hrs in a day where I get a break so to speak. He has them as and when but it's not regular or consistent.

I certainly think you’re not being unreasonable to ask. However, would he be reliable with it? Would it actually bring more drama into your life? Speaking from bitter experience

Ideally I would like him to have them maybe a Thurs - sat or Sun - Tues even if it was every other week but I'm doing so many school runs in a day, I'm doing all appointments all meetings, all assessments every time they're sick or of my parents aren't able to look after them I I have to miss work and lose money I just don't know if it's reasonable for me to expect more help from him especially when he's in a position to do more

Would it bring more drama probably as his partner isn't a fan of me but I really don't care. I don't see why I have to struggle with everything it's mentally destroying me while they can do as they wish. I just want a life too.

Is 50/50 a option? Week on week off? My partner and his ex did this and it worked really well.

You will not be accused of being jealous expecting a father to shoulder his fair share of the responsibility towards your children. Anyone who does that needs to have a word with yourself,

Also it has fuck all to do with the new girlfriend.

Set down some rules and if he doesn’t cooperate then court, not ideal but no this arrangement isn’t working for you and in turn your children.

They would never agree with 50/50 no chance that would happen.

Can a court force him to help more? Honestly I've just got on with it but I'm drowning now everything is on top of me and I start to dread waking up in the mornings and doing it all over again. And I love my kids o do so much but I'm struggling.

Do you have a court order though? It's worth getting something officially agreed.

This is a negotiation by the way. Even though you say 50/50 won't happen it's a great starting point to then work from. You stand your ground on 50/50 then see what his alternative is.

No, unfortunately no court can force him to help more. It doesn't really matter what the courts say, if he doesn't want to see them or help, he won't do it.
There isn't really much you can do.

I would have thought someone in your position - single parent with sen DCs - would be entitled to benefits to make life doable - have you looked into this? Spoken to CAB?

Set down some rules and if he doesn’t cooperate then court, not ideal but no this arrangement isn’t working for you and in turn your children

A court cannot force a father to have his children more. I had 3 on my own, OP. It's very hard.

Nothing from courts and thank you ill suggest 50/50 and negotiate from there.

Yes absolutely ask. Why isn’t he having the kids on the weekend when you’re working instead of your parents? He’s taking the P. Ignore any mention of you being jealous etc, he can’t just up sticks and leave and leave you to it. Absolutely ask him to do more. If he won’t though, not much you can do. Ensure he’s paying the right amount of maintenance too

I can't believe people would call you jealous over this. Kids are such hard work money is not substitute for your personal time. Tell him you want your personal time and you need him to have them a lot more otherwise pay half for nursery so you can both get free time

They can’t force him to parent no. They can draw up agreements but it’s got to be with his consent. If he did agree and then stopped doing it there’s nothing you can do. It’s a complete joke how men (sometimes women as I dated a guy in the same position last year) can just walk away from the children they helped bring into this world and just wash their hands of it.

It's not just about finances to be fair financially I manage I have nothing left at the end of the month we don't have a flash life or do days out or holidays but the bills are paid. I have recently applied for dla again as the first claim was declined so they said wait for the ehcp and placement then reapply. But this is more for help mentally I'm struggling if I'm not looking after the kids I'm at work and if I'm not at work I'm helping my mum there's just no end.

Because he has to work or they have things planned etc and it's been over 3yrs I just never forced the issue but alot of the issues present now wasn't present then. I don't know what his wages are as he's self employed so I can only take his word on what the right amount is.

Well he shouldn’t be planning things, he needs to take responsibility. I’d tell him you need support with kids and need set days he has them. Suggest the days you want and take it from there. Difficult re maintenance as CMS wouldn’t be able to help here as they can only take someone’s word for it when self employed and no doubt he’s not declaring 100% of income for tax so he’s not going to give his actual salary.

Of course he should be looking after his children on a regular basis.
Can you suggest he collects them from school on Thursday and brings them back Saturday morning?
It has got nothing to do with any new partners. She knew the score.
However, nobody can force a deadbeat father (and let’s face it, it is virtually always fathers) to do the decent thing.
You have my sympathy op.

Also a man who has fathered 3 children with a woman and then does not step up and look after them every week is a shit. There is no excuse for that.
Totally unacceptable.
We are not taking a one night stand situation where I have more sympathy for the man. We are talking a long term relationship where one parent is absolving themselves from all responsibility.

Ex sounds useless.

Is there a reason your sen kids don't get transport to their placements?