So sad it has come to this...

[Lala25]

Apologies but strap in as this is a complex one! Think 'Mean Girls' but a tragic version.

DD(13) has ASD and other disabilities and in Yr 8. Was in a friendship group with three others. All super lovely we thought and had been most of the way through primary school with a few minor wobbles in Yr 6. Beginning of Yr 7 one friend started to go off the rails a bit. Let's call her Sally. Sally had access to TikTok from 9 so had told DD what a 69 was, laughed when DD got out the shower and said 'I'm so wet right now', sent DD a few bitchy Snapchat videos we saw, started being a bit of a bitch towards her regarding her clothes etc. All at the beginning of Yr 7. Nothing major in isolation but definitely bitchy and we were concerned about her knowledge of things beyond her years so young. Around this time, DD also disclosed Sally had said her dad, who we knew to be a heavy drinker and at the pub most nights, had had to be locked in the spare room as he was so drunk, and over Xmas when the dad (split from mum) was depressed due to being distanced from a new GF he openly bragged about drinking to the point of being comatosed when she was in his care and only other drunk adults at a family party. Sally bragged to DD that at this party she stole alcohol and drank it (at this time she was 11). Thought at the time this was just bragging but when you see what happens next it's easy to understand why I now doubt this.

Bitchiness continued, and one evening Sally came over and cut about 3 inches off our DDs hair. Husband livid, so I confronted her with her dad there in a lighthearted way to suggest this was a bit unkind and Sally outright lied to my face in a way I found shocking, saying she hadn't done it. This was impossible as part of my daughter's disability means she can't reach the back of her head and needs help brushing her hair so I knew she couldn't have done this herself.

More instances of unkindness happened and DD started to try to distance after being shown some text messages between Sally and another one of the group, Betty, calling DD a 'bitch' and a 'catfish' for having her hair cut in a similar style to Sally. DD bravely speaks to the girls about this and Betty - essentially a lovely girl but easily led - apologises but Sally refuses to acknowledge she has done anything wrong despite being shown a screenshot of evidence.

Sally's mum is in a secret relationship since Sally was 6 with a man Sally has been told is a family friend. Sally finds out about the relationship by stealing her mums phone and finding 'I love you' messages. Sally cries to the 3 friends one night. DD calls me in and asks what she should say as all the friends are aware that Sally's mum has a boyfriend as it is obvious. I am increasingly concerned about Sally's welfare and think this must be why she is being so unkind towards DD as her home life is so dysfunctional.

Fast forward a few months. During this time Sally and Betty continue to act more like frenemies towards DD and we encourage DD to hang out with other friend in the group of four, Greta, who is lovely. Whilst checking DD's phone, I see unkind coercive type messages towards DD - telling her she is using the wrong emojis, laughing at her when she gets things wrong etc. Then I find talk of Sally and Betty getting drunk at a sleepover - and see video evidence after forcing DD to show me - , and another video of Sally doing shots in her bedroom. Around this time Sally's mum has an alcoholic brother who has been staying with her and he is arrested at Sally's mums house for being drunk and refusing to leave. I suspect Sally is processing the presence of the alcoholic uncle and the father's drinking issues by drinking herself (at this time she is only 12).

Sally is an only child - parents treat her like a perfect princess - so I know if I try to say anything she will deny and they will believe her so don't raise it, just encourage DD to stay away.

By the end of Year 7, DD increasingly difficult to get into school - starts school refusing and eventually admits to having suicidal thoughts - though we don't realise it is over the breakdown of the friendships at the time as she has always struggled with school due to ASD. Keep DD off school but every time she goes back more little bitchy things happen, all minor enough in isolation but we now look back and realise too much to cope with. With hindsight at this stage we should have definitely kept DD away from them completely but DD has no other friends and v v shy so would struggle to branch out into new friendship groups - and Greta being kind but still part of the group.

DD had convinced us to let her have Tiktok as the rest of the group of 4 have it. DD spends one afternoon looking at hours worth of inappropriate material, and afterwards admitted it was because Sally and Betty were talking about "fingering" and "sucking dick" and she thought if she understood it they would want to be her friend and start being nice to her again. 😔

DD then proceeds to have major intrusive thoughts regarding the content she has seen on Tiktok (DD is young for her age and quite naive) to the point where she is suicidal, can't get the thoughts to stop, won't leave the house or be left alone, even overnight. Try to get an urgent CAMHS referral. Text the mothers of the 4 girls as we are all quite good friends to explain what DD has seen and to ask advice about whether there are settings we should have used etc. Mums of Betty and Greta say their girls shouldn't have had Tiktok and remove it. Sally's mum, who has no rules for Sally, says the same although I suspect this is just for show in front of the other mums. We fear the girls will find out DD is the reason they have lost Tiktok and blame her.

A few days later when checking DD's Snapchat, notice Sally and Betty have made a Tiktok video, then removed DD from the group and quickly added her back on again. Assume Sally's mum has told Sally about the Tiktok thing or maybe Sally has stolen her mums phone again to read her text messages, but somehow Sally has found out about DD being the reason they have lost Tiktok. Given DD's mental state, I decide enough is enough and I have to disclose Sally's drinking and access to inappropriate material online to Sally's mum, who I am good friends with.

I speak to Sally's mum and her dad is called over. I mention the drinking, talk of fingering and the unkindness towards DD. Mum is v upset and apologetic but the moment I mention the drinking, the dad is immediately defensive suggesting this was impossible as he doesn't keep alcohol in the house and the mum clams up. Later, Sally denies all allegations and her mum tells me she "can't bring herself to believe her daughter would do or say those things" even when I tell her some of this I have seen with my own eyes. The mum also says she is worried for Sally to be around our DD for fear of her making up lies about her! When we admit to DD we have gone to Sally's parents she is distraught and says "she will destroy me".

Hear nothing from Sally and when DD next goes to Betty's house, Sally is strangely there too and 'being weird' according to DD, no longer swearing or gossiping about others. Sally and Betty side eye each other when Tiktok is mentioned. Then all three girls stop really contacting DD and we can't get her back to school in September. On the one day she goes to school, Sally tells DD she no longer has Snapchat. One night DD reports that Betty has removed DD from their form group chat after seeing Sally back on Snapchat. Sally removes DD from other social media and Betty does the same the following week which we consider to be indirect bullying as Sally seems to be actively turning the other girls against DD. Lies emerge every time DD meets up with Betty or speaks to Greta, but DD refuses to speak to Sally when she finds out she has denied all. Final straw is DD finds out via Greta that Sally has told all the girls in the form group, and some other in the year group what has happened which DD knows will be Sally's version of the narrative. DD tries to drown herself in the bath as a result of the shame of knowing this in November.

Fast forward to Christmas. DD has not really been back to school. Lost trust in us for going to Sally's parents. Lost all friends who have sided with Sally. Hasn't wanted us to speak to the school for them to deal as doesn't trust it will work out. Working with her therapist, I convince DD to let me disclose everything - the indirect bullying of Sally toward DD, safeguarding issues etc, in the hope school can sort. DD agrees to move schools and only then is brave enough to let us tell the full truth.

Disclose all at the end of the Xmas term. Deputy head involved and calls meeting for after Xmas but doesn't address any of the bullying issues or ask about the safeguarding at all, just wants to speak to DD to confirm she is happy to move schools. (Over Xmas, Betty's mum gets in touch to say that Betty has admitted to drinking at the sleepover and we ask Betty's mum is she would disclose to safeguarding officer in school which she does so we are surprised at their defensiveness). We call a follow up meeting and the school are v defensive, suggesting there is nothing to really investigate, despite us submitting a lengthy document laying out all the details, as if they think we are making it up! Feel as if Sally's family may have been to the school to deny all and perhaps tell lies about us to defend their daughter as otherwise we can't understand their reluctance to investigate. We are shocked at the school's apparent reluctance to take the matter seriously.

They finally agreed to investigate last week and now we are waiting to find out the outcome, but suspect the three girls will close ranks and not admit to anything. Feel super, super sad that our DD's whole world has been turned upside down by Sally and her dysfunctional life and the lies she has told to scapegoat our DD after we exposed her risky/ unkind behaviour. Also feel like DD/we are being gaslit by both Sally and her parents, and now the school.

Thanks for reading - and congratulations if you got to the end of this!

Basically, I just need a handhold and want to know: Am I being unreasonable to expect the school to be taking this more seriously now DD has finally been brave enough to tell the truth?

@TeenLifeMum we try to be helpful and it backfires, I guess? 😂

I feel so sorry for your poor DD, and just hope that you can give her all the support she needs when she starts at her new school. I also believe that as a previous poster said, encouraging her to join groups out of school, so that she's meeting other new people, will be good for her, as if she suffers bullying again, she is unlikely to lose all of her friends.

I won't criticise you OP, as you obviously did as we all do, ie, what you thought was right at the time.

Finally, please, in spite of what you've said about your son having good friends, that will be going to that school, don't send him there. It's quite possible that it could all start up again, with him as a target, as these girls obviously know him.

I wish you and your family a much happier life ahead.

Really good advice from @Fernsfernsferns

The school will move on from your complaints the minute you leave.

Sally was clearly having a hard life but was horrible to your DD, but your DD now has the chance of a fresh start without her, so focus on that. Focus on how to make her life better from now on and encourage her to move on from suffocating friendships.

Give her the opportunity to take on new interests, activities, sports etc. Keep her really busy with outside interests so that school is not the b all and end all. Go to museums and art galleries and farms or whatever grabs you at the weekend. Anything to get away from the online life and giving her something else to think about.. even if its just learning to cook or make something at home.

When she's ready, let her invite a wide variety /range of new school and non school friends to things ( so you can supervise at first) so that she has the advantage of being someone who invites and has ideas of interesting things to do, rather than someone who waits to be invited.

Does she like drama or similar? some of these groups are very supportive and working together on a production they get more chance of participation in these clubs than they do in school plays and can form new friendships more easily. It will also give her more useful things to talk about. Maybe organise fun outings where she can invite a different friend each time, or facilitate cinema trips for a small group by sharing with other parents. Has she got cousins? Maybe a nice cousin's weekend or family outing would boost her confidence. It's a bit of work but it might break up that suffocating friendship pattern.

I think there is a very delicate balance between supervising them at this age and getting too involved in their friendship group issues, although that is hard if you feel your child is being bullied.

It sounds like both you and DD have been through a hard time and I can understand that it must have been very upsetting, but your DD will take her lead from you - so you have to be careful to be positive, forward looking and try not to dwell on what happened and over mention it. (I'm not saying you would, just that its something to avoid if possible). Maybe there's someone in RL your DD could talk to when she needs to who could teach her some assertiveness techniques as this will stand her in very good stead. If you had someone like that, it would help you get it off your chest too, but try not to unload to all the new school mums about all about the past, before you really know them. Luckily secondary school is much less intense than primary, and the kids & Parents are much busier
Sally is in the past now, there's no point campaigning for the school to make her answer for her behaviour, although hopefully they've now been alerted to her problems.
Its lucky that you have been able to move schools and can have a fresh start, I hope this helps your DD to see she doesn't have to put up with bullies and can move forward and learn to be confident in herself.

May I suggest you take the time to read the whole post. It would have taken less time than typing out your response which was inappropriate given the last few paragraphs of the OP.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thank you. Excellent advice and totally agree with it all. What you have suggested is pretty much our strategy moving forward so fingers crossed!

It's very long story but I did mention this, on several occasions, to the girl's mum. I didn't realise until much later that she seemed to be in denial and protecting the ex-husband.

How did that conversation go? "Hey Sally'sMum, just to let you know that Sally might be struggling. She's told me that her dad is drinking until he passes out so that doesn't seem safe. Also, her mum invited her alcoholic brother to stay and he ended up getting arrested, obviously that's not a good environment either. Her mum doesn't give her any boundaries and Sally was upset to discover her mum had been lying to her for years about her relationship. So...can I leave it with you?"

OP - really sorry that you and your DD are going through this. What a nightmare.

I think some PPs have been very unfair. You’ve reported this to school and they don’t want to know, so how you can be blamed for Sally’s situation is beyond me.

agree with pps who say a fresh start is best for you all. A new school is best. Especially as this current one seems to tolerate bullying.

I went through an awful time with ‘mean girls’ at 14 and it was awful. I got through it by meeting other friends through hobbies. Suggest you get your daughter involved in a hobby where she can meet like minded friends as well as school.

Your daughter is very lucky to have such supportive parents and she clearly trusts you enough to share her problems. That is really positive and is a good sign for your daughter in repairing her self esteem.

things are unlikely to end well for Sally, I’m afraid.

@slashlover EXACTLY like that 🙄Look, judge away, but you haven't lived this. It is an incredibly long story but I did speak to the mum about the sexualised content Sally was accessing, the dad drinking, the fact that she needed to know the BF was a BF and not a family friend much earlier. (The alcoholic brother staying I didn't find out about until much later). When I spoke to the mum about Sally drinking - though I knew Sally would deny - I thought she would act like a responsible parent and investigate. It was only after she dismissed this that I realised this needed to go to SS. Believe me, this woman was a friend - we had been on holiday together when the children were younger - and someone I thought, like you or I, would prioritise keeping their child safe. I could not have anticipated her reaction and that has been one of the most shocking parts of all of this.

“Sally is an only child - parents treat her like a perfect princess”

that’s not what her childhood is. She’s living with neglect and uncertainty.

@JustTalkToThem perhaps this was a wrong choice of phrase. By this I meant her parents think she can do no wrong. She is, sadly, a compulsive liar, probably to assert some control over her life. It is a desperately sad situation for Sally.

They're 11 and 12, and also one of them has multiple alcoholics in the family. She will be an alcoholic herself before she's legally old enough to drink and so the cycle continues.

So after all of that, your question is regarding wanting the school to investigate more? Why??

Change your poor DD's school and don't look back. The school's investigation of their students now no longer concerns you or your DD.

If you are still very concerned about Sally, report it to whatever your social services is, not school. You should have done it a year ago, gosh she was only 11 years old, and exposed to/involved in all of that.

Definitely take the social media away.

As for your DS, just ask him what he'd prefer, and let him know that if he starts at one school he can always change to the other anyway.

@wandawaves agree with you. Think OP needs to call social services to check up on Sally. She is clearly very damaged by her upbringing.

But OP - your priority is your daughter. There’s no point getting school to do anymore. They don’t have the scope. ( but they should have informed social services)
11 and 12 year olds getting drunk is serious.

move her to a school that is more supportive