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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potential same birth date as SIL

68 replies

Keroppifrog2024 · 29/01/2024 15:42

Hey All,

I have a situation and I really need to know AIBU.

My SIL and me have had a lot of animosity over the years as she is constantly comparing herself financially to me and my husband. We both worked full time in reasonably well paid jobs but after the birth of her son has gone part time and on universal credit (her partner works full time).

My husband practically raised her as thier dad passed away when they were young and he has always paid for things (laptops, phones etc) and have lent her money numerous times that has never been paid back.

She has a history of pushing the boundaries I set and then stating that 'I am being too highly strung' and few examples are:

1- smoking in our flat when I expressly said not to
2- taking display items off of shelves and giving them to her so when I told her not to and them getting broken
3- final straw was we got hacked and money stolen and my husband in a panic transferred money to her for safekeeping whilst 3 days later she then asked to keep it as we 'clearly have more money'

Me and my husband are expecting our first child and the due date is 7th March but now due to gestational diabities I will need to be induced a week early. This poses a risk of our daughter being born on the same day as our nephew (SIL child).

Previously I had a low lying placenta so was told a C section is the only option but it's now moved so I can give birth vaginally.

Is it stupid to go for a C section just to avoid having a child on the same day??

I just know if they share a birthday it will be endless years of SIL asking to share birthday parties (but we will b expected to pay) and endless snide comments.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Keroppifrog2024 · 29/01/2024 16:14

MIL is disabled and medically retired a few years ago so she doesn't have a lot of money either and doesn't leave the house at all due to being in an electric wheelchair.

So this is another reason my husband has had to take care of them both when he was younger. Which is why I think he feels guilt sometimes now that we are married and having our daughter in saying no.

OP posts:
853ax · 29/01/2024 16:14

Will the cousins be going to same school ? Children usually would have a few school friends at party so would not be joint if different schools.
To be honest within a month of each other could still have shared party requests
Also not too many 8/9yo boys would like to share party with their girl cousin I say so again if different sex doubt it will be an issue for many birthdays.
By time they 11 or so will be making birthday arrangements with less parent input.

WhereIsMyLight · 29/01/2024 16:15

My DC was due around my deceased grandad’s birthday, I also had GD and was told a c-section would be best and that date was looking likely. Everyone thought it would be nice but I just wanted DC to have their own day. I didn’t base my decision on whether to have an induction or c-section on that but it was a big worry to me (along with everything else) at the end of my pregnancy. You’re not crazy for thinking like this but you aren’t seeing the flaws in the plan. SIL will still ask to share parties so you just need to hold firm that your DC gets their own party. There’s a couple of years age difference between your nephew and your DC so it’s unlikely they’ll actually have the same interests and want their parties at the same places. There’s going to be no overlap between friends.

You’ve psyched yourself up for a c-section which now might not happen. You have the choice but sometimes being given a lot of choice is just as bad as having your choice taken from you. I think the good news is that you’ve prepared and mentally accepted a c-section so if you have an induction and end up there anyway, you should hopefully find it easier to accept the change in circumstances.

ohmyohmy123 · 29/01/2024 16:15

Even if your child is born in the same week as hers she could potentially ask for joint birthday parties etc. very rarely children have a party on the actual day anyway unless it's a weekend.

Do what is best for you and your child.

Vinrouge4 · 29/01/2024 16:15

Where is her husband in all this?

853ax · 29/01/2024 16:17

Will they be born same day ? If different ages I do not think this will be an issue at all.

WolfFoxHare · 29/01/2024 16:18

Spirallingdownwards · 29/01/2024 15:52

Honestly if it's to avoid joint birthdays she will still ask because they are close anyway.

Yeah, this. What makes you think a day or two either side will make a difference? She’ll still want joint birthday parties.

Bluenotgreen · 29/01/2024 16:19

From the sounds of her, having a birthday within a few weeks will lead to SIL being a CF.

You definitely need DH more inside with all this …

Original poster
Keroppifrog2024 · 29/01/2024 16:19

Her partner is a really nice guy and works super hard to support them. The issue is she is asking for money behind his back.
They have previously had arguments about it so now she just messages my husband to ask.

I'm not even sure he is aware of the money hacking situation and I was going to tell him but my husband asked me not to.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 29/01/2024 16:20

My cousin is the 16th and I'm the 18th of the month with a 4 year age gap. We had a shared birthday party once in Mcdonald's. I was about 8 and I think she was 4. None of her friends could make it as they were all ill. We never did anything again.

You might need to be proactive in getting something organised but don't give out too many details. I wouldn't give it too much thought

fuckssaaaaake · 29/01/2024 16:21

Chances of it happening or the same day are very very slim.

101Nutella · 29/01/2024 16:21

Do not have major surgery with the potential risk of side effects and down time to appease some absolute chancer.

when you are unable to drive for 6 weeks after it, needing your partner to help you get off the bed for the week or so after, taking anti clot injections which HURT SO MUCH when you hit a vessel- and this chancer is still being mean/ spoilt will it have been worth it? Not to mention risk of post op infection and back pain complications as your core muscles are compromised.

you do what is best for your child. And then you. Screw this person.

Mariposistaaa · 29/01/2024 16:21

Do no put yourself through major surgery just to get one over on this silly girl.

Mariposistaaa · 29/01/2024 16:21

Do no put yourself through major surgery just to get one over on this silly girl.

WineThirty · 29/01/2024 16:25

Even if you have a c section, presumably her baby could come early and still arrive on same day? Or does she have a planned c section date?

thebestinterest · 29/01/2024 16:26

You really need to find your confidence.

ideally your child would stay in your uterus for as long as possible.

WineThirty · 29/01/2024 16:27

Oh, maybe I misunderstood and your nephew is older.

Original poster
Keroppifrog2024 · 29/01/2024 16:27

Her son is already born - he is almost 3.

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 29/01/2024 16:27

Mariposistaaa · 29/01/2024 16:21

Do no put yourself through major surgery just to get one over on this silly girl.

This. I think it’s bonkers that op is even considering that.

Original poster
Keroppifrog2024 · 29/01/2024 16:28

I will either need to be included or a C section at 39 weeks due to the GD. So that timeline is already decided. It just means if I am incude the same birth date is more likely.

OP posts:
lavagal · 29/01/2024 16:31

Our nieces birthday is 3 weeks after our DD and we are still asked yearly if we want to do joint parties.

The date will still fall in the ball park whether they are born on the same day or not

UABU just say no to sharing parties

Penguinmouse · 29/01/2024 16:32

Keroppifrog2024 · 29/01/2024 15:53

I was told a C-Section has been needed due to my placenta throughout my whole pregnancy and today it has decided to move so now I have a choice.

I get your point but if I hadn't spent months prepping to have a C section it would have even crossed my mind.

Perhaps.its the shock of now a change and also the SIL at the same time but this is why I wanted some opinions.

When I was a teenager, I was repeatedly told that I’d need a c-section due to a heart condition and then when actually pregnant years later the doctors told me the advice had changed and it wasn’t medically necessary but I could still have one. Having spent nearly 20 years building up to the idea of having a c-section, I decided to proceed (and separately am really glad I did) so I really understand have this point of view. However, it is a major piece of surgery so you should consider carefully. The most important thing is the health of you and your baby. Proceed with what you feel is safest and forget about her - maybe block her number for the time around your due date. Then in future you don’t have to share activities if you don’t want to, you just need to say “this is what we are doing.” As long as you are prepared to be fair around dates etc if you are expecting family to attend things, it is reasonable to want to do things yourself

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 29/01/2024 16:32

Even if their birthdays end up being a few days apart, they will likely still share a birthday weekend so the pressure for joint parties will be there regardless.

TheBayLady · 29/01/2024 16:33

What will you do if you book a section and she gives birth on that day ? You need to tell her to bugger off and go very low contact with her.

Shortbreadfingerss · 29/01/2024 16:36

Sounds like you have bigger issues than birthdays being close together, either with your SIL or your husband for putting her first and not standing up to her!

But yes YABU and ridiculous for this being the deciding factor in having a c-section.

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