AIBU to not be spoken to like sh*t

[Arrowpaws49]

My step son is 11 and lives with us full time and 30% of the time he is rude, snappy, disrespectful and sarcastic towards both me and his mum.
Mum rarely puts consequences in place, other than say removing his tablet for an hour max (he doesn’t have a phone). We get a half arsed apology where he tells us he doesn’t know why he talks to us like that and he won’t again. This then repeats, repeats, repeats and it’s really starting to wear me down. I used to put consequences in place/tell him off etc but my partner didn’t like it, felt I was too firm and it caus d arguments between us so now I don’t bother. Yet it’s getting me down, like walking on egg shells in my own home. Sick to death of being eye rolled, snapped at, sarcastic responses to simple questions etc. help

Sounds like a lot of teenagers.

I think you have to accept his mum’s parenting as she is his parent. Would you consider splitting over this?

I'm so sorry OP but this is why I never date people with children. I just couldn't deal with it.

He's 11 so it's pretty unlikely the behaviour will get better without getting worse first, he's a teenager. I think you need to sit down with all adults or at least you and your partner and find a balance between super strict and not bothering.

To be honest that's fairly standard teen behaviour. Rude and sarcastic and embarrassed by anything their parents say/do is kind of the default position. You and your partner need to have a proper talk and make sure you are on the same page regarding how you deal with this, and back each other up.

I'm fed up of people excusing this kind of thing as 'normal teen behaviour' - I've parented and step-parented three teens and it's not, nor is it acceptable. His mum needs to put consequences in place.

It's not normal, I'm sorry. I never tolerated any of this type of behaviour. They were told in no uncertain terms that it was not acceptable and that I would not tolerate it. They soon snapped back into line. They've grown up to be perfectly decent adults who can show respect towards others.

This is not normal behaviour for a child, so don't be gaslit into believing it is. It's poor parenting.

I highly suggest you run for the hills. Life is too short and you're not happy. None of this is going to get any better.

horseyhorsey17 · Today 13:27

To be honest that's fairly standard teen behaviour

It may be standard in the U.K. but it definitely isn’t in many parts of the world. Pushing boundaries a bit and being a bit cheeky now and again is probably standard across the world but that’s a far cry from being ‘spoken to like shit’ 30% of the time. Where I grew up, if I’d spoken to my parents like that, (wouldn’t have dared!) I’d have been told off by my peers in no uncertain terms.

What I’m trying to say is that this kind of behaviour isn’t inevitable and doesn’t need to be tolerated. However, if your hands are tied because you’re a step-parent, or you start tackling poor behaviour when the child is quite grown and the behaviour is ingrained, then you really have a challenge on your hands.

It probably isn’t the best way of dealing with the situation but if this was me, I’d just tell his father that if he disagrees with my parenting then I’ll just leave all parenting of his son to him. I wouldn’t be the skivvy who does the grunt work but isn’t allowed to make any significant decisions. That’s if I was really desperate to hold onto this man for some reason.

Agree @chocolatesaltyballs22
It's not necessarily typical teen behaviour and, even if there is greater propensity at that age to pushing boundaries through rudeness, the boundaries need to remain firm. You can empathise with whatever has made him speak rudely or whatever, whilst making it very clear that it isn't acceptable and ensuring appropriate consequences, where needed, the important thing being to remain completely calm and consistent. Is there anything that you do specifically with or for your stepson that you could withdraw as a consequence? You can't use technology removal if his mum isn't on board, but if you can establish your own boundaries and consequences (maybe you give him lifts etc or do something with him he enjoys - it would be a natural consequence to remove this privilege temporarily following rudeness). Ofc, ideally you and mum would be on the same page but if that isn't going to happen, you'll need to either reconsider the relationship or at least try to establish your own boundaries. As long as you remain calm and caring, and also make an effort to catch DSS being polite and praise accordingly, as well as ensuring you separate his behaviour from him as a person and treat him as normal once the behaviour has been addressed and dealt with (ie no awkward atmosphere or continuing resentment from you - you're the adult), I can't see how either of them could complain.

If doing things this way causes further upset or rows and nothing improves, you may need to reconsider the relationship or at least the living together part of it.

Good to hear this behaviour isn’t normal in the U.K. either though I don’t think it’s uncommon.

Try to ingore it and don't let him see that it gets to you. He might be testing you or he might just be a normal 11 year old. No reaction is best. If you need to, just calmly leave the room without saying anything.

When he is being lovely the other 70% of the time make sure you give him attention and positive interactions. Invite him to join you in an activity or join in with something he enjoys. This will encourage better behaviour.

Most importantly, model the behaviour you would like to see. Don't argue, shout, swear, sulk or be grumpy in response to him. Treat both him and his mum with respect and kindness. Sanctions can be put in place but they should be delivered calmly and with control.

Treat everyone you interact with (shop assistants, neighbours, hospitality staff) in a respectful way and he will see this.

This is how you earn respect from your children.

I had a similar situation with my Dds dad,his son would visit every weekend from the age of 4-13 and I used to dread every weekend His son was rude,obnoxious,screamed and stomped about to get his way,bad behaviour completely ignored by his dad,no consequences for anything at all,typical Disney dad,he could just see no wrong in anything his son did so therefore discipline and boundaries were none exhistent.It drove me up the wall and as a step parent your hands are tied,it's so frustrating and it inevitably drove a huge wedge between us and caused lots of fall outs.It wasn't the reason we split but it definetly contributed to the relationship falling apart because of the arguments his sons behaviour would cause.
I would never date anyone with children again.

I agree with this.

Teenagers only get worse. And this behaviour is likely to continue for a decade until his brain finishes adolescence.

Life is too short to put up with bad behaviour, especially from a kid thats not yours!

Sorry, I should have been clearer - grumpiness and sarcasm IS normal teen behaviour, as is pushing boundaries, doesn't mean it's OK to be blatantly rude though and parents shouldn't just allow their teens to walk all over them and have wild parties etc!

This is a fairly new relationship though by the sounds of things, so it might be the kid pushing back against a new domestic arrangement/stepparent. It might also be the stepparent over-reacting because they're not used to kids (or don't really want them). Both are possibilities here.

Thanks for everyone’s insight.

I probably could handle it better afterwards, I know I’m the adult and should rise above it but minutes after being spoke to like I am, I don’t particularly feel in the mood to be all happy with him etc.

part of me thinks “sod it! Just leave parenting aspects to his mum and don’t get involved in the drama”. It’s just draining when trying to have nice family time and his attitude and behaviour puts a huge downer on it.

It’s not a new relationship and I have my own children that will with us the majority of the time.

Sit down with his mum, who I think you are coparenting with as her child lives with both if you full time, and say that you would like a unified approach to parenting this child. Read parenting books together like “how to talk so children will listen/how to listen so children will talk” and try to figure out together how to model and expect good treatment from this child.

Is your partner happy for him to be the kind of young man who talks to WAG like shit? Because they don't go into school and magically treat their female peers well you know. DD deals with the boys with no respect for women in her school. Two assaults on female staff by boys already and they are under 14.

He's raising a boy who thinks you talk to women any way you like. I'd ask if he's happy with that.

You’re sick to death of teenage behaviour and he’s only 11, time for you to leave. Kids don’t need people that are unable to regulate their own emotions in their lives.

Erm what? How about the kid acts like a decent human being.

What consequences did you put in place out of curiosity?

@chocolatesaltyballs22 and kids learn to do that by watching the adults reactions around them. They learn to regulate their own behaviour, mood swings and navigate the world by watching the adults around them. It’s on the boys mum to put consequences in place but if the OP is stropping about too then it’s no wonder the kid thinks it’s ok.

Is your partner happy for him to be the kind of young man who talks to WAG like shit? Because they don't go into school and magically treat their female peers well you know. DD deals with the boys with no respect for women in her school. Two assaults on female staff by boys already and they are under 14.

He's raising a boy who thinks you talk to women any way you like. I'd ask if he's happy with that.

Sorry. I didn’t digest the OP properly. The partner is a woman, not a man. Both the parents in the home are female.

To the OP: If your children are younger you can’t afford to let this behaviour slide because they will naturally take his behaviour as an indication of what they can get away with.