AIBU to not be spoken to like sh*t

[Arrowpaws49]

My step son is 11 and lives with us full time and 30% of the time he is rude, snappy, disrespectful and sarcastic towards both me and his mum.
Mum rarely puts consequences in place, other than say removing his tablet for an hour max (he doesn’t have a phone). We get a half arsed apology where he tells us he doesn’t know why he talks to us like that and he won’t again. This then repeats, repeats, repeats and it’s really starting to wear me down. I used to put consequences in place/tell him off etc but my partner didn’t like it, felt I was too firm and it caus d arguments between us so now I don’t bother. Yet it’s getting me down, like walking on egg shells in my own home. Sick to death of being eye rolled, snapped at, sarcastic responses to simple questions etc. help

Sorry. I didn’t digest the OP properly. The partner is a woman, not a man. Both the parents in the home are female.

Urg. Even worse. Raised by women and not respecting them at all.

Why is he doing this? He is responding to emotions he is feeling, behaviour is always communication for feelings that he cannot express. The behaviour is negative so you can conclude that the internal emotions are negative . Why??

I agree with others this is not normal teen behaviour. I’ve 2 teens and a preteen, two with ASD so they find communicating emotions tricky but they never behave as described in the OP.

His Mother needs to get to the bottom of what is driving this behaviour and try to fix the unmet needs causing the negative emotions driving the behaviour.

Exactly. I have a 19 and 20 year old and have never nor would I ever tolerate being spoken to like shite. It is called boundaries and your partner needs to set some up sharpish before his behaviour becomes worse.

Where does the OP say they’re a woman??

Sounds tedious, just to have a girlfriend, why not live separately and enjoy dating? There’s no need to parent her kid or get involved in drudgery.

We are both women and have being together for 6 years, living together for 18 months. We both have children. The older DSS gets, the more his moods/bad behaviour increases.

myself have DSS have a great relationship together other than when he behaves rude etc

Ok. Sounds like living together is not working for anyone, just stick to enjoyable dating.

Coming from the other side here, as someone who has a partner (step-dad) who struggles with my own sons (pretty standard) behaviour. Don't misunderstand me, he gets punished. But step-parents have a huge issue it seems in blowing "bad" behaviour out of proportion and acting like the step child is an evil shit when actually they are just normal kids.

Watch your tone and how you act with them. Snapping at them instead of asking them firmly but nicely will only piss of the 11 year old and the Mum. Don't go off in a big huff with an attitude yourself or Mum just has another moody child to deal with. Massive turn off and they will both lose respect for you and not bother listening further.

Secondly, communicate with your partner about HER expectations. Listen to HER when she says she wants to parent HER kids a certain way. If that means "tablet taken away" that's final. Stick to the boundaries, rules and sanctions SHE sets. No trying to push for bigger, disproportionate and futile punishments that YOU feel the son should be given based on your own upbringing or your own parenting. She is the parent, she has the final say.

Would he prefer to live with his dad?

He’s never met his dad, he passed away when partner was pregnant.

Aw that is so sad. The loss of a parent comes up for people at various stages in their life even if they have not known the parent. Maybe that goes some way to explain why he is experiencing negative emotions.

Would have been best to add that piece of information to the OP. A traumatised child needs specific parenting and huge, extensive therapy.
Is it in all these kids best interests to be made to live together?

You can't be serious! It's time for the boy to behave better, not for the OP to leave.

So before you lived with your partner, did he have mum all to himself? And did you move into her home?

He speaks to you both like shit because his mother isn't disciplining him properly, the only way this problem will be solved is by her becoming better parent. If you've had the discussion with her and she isn't prepared to change her parenting to stop the behaviour, I'd recommend leaving her. We had the same issue with our step kids, luckily my husband grew a bavkbone, put his foot down and it stopped. They know it's completely unacceptable and wouldn't ever speak to us that way again. Good luck :)

He is 11, not a teenager!!!!

I'm a Mum and. Stepmum and I know how important boundaries and consequences are.

Your partner is being lax.
Your stepson knows he has the power and that as you're not his 'Dad', you can't say anything, and in the middle of all this, you're stuck.

Your partner is the issue.

Apologies for the assumptions in 'Dad'.

Regardless of how his mum parents when he’s with you he follows your rules, boundaries and if he doesn’t your consequences

I probably could handle it better afterwards, I know I’m the adult and should rise above it but minutes after being spoke to like I am, I don’t particularly feel in the mood to be all happy with him etc.

This is the perfect time to model forgiveness. Just say, thank you for the apology, I appreciate it, smile and relax. There's no point holding on to resentment. It teaches him nothing good and just makes you feel bad.

It is common behaviour at his age. My ds was just the same and he too would then apologise and say that he didn't know why he did.

It is hard to cope with and I would always pick him up on it but....it really is hormonally linked and they themselves don't like how they are turning out.

It is I portant to find the right balance between making it clear it's not acceptable whilst not making them feel horrible about themselves and shot their self esteem down. It does pass, it really does.

It makes me laugh when now at 20, that same boy who speak to me with the respect I expect will make a big point of apologising when he is just a tiny bit grumpy when he first wakes up.

It's fine that you're not allowed to discipline him, that's his mum's decision, but it doesn't mean you have to stand there and be spoken to like that. I would walk away every time.

The drip feed might not be seen by people replying.

The child was always going to develop difficult behaviour at adolescence due to his trauma.

The parent presumably is parenting in a trauma-focussed way, with her kid at the centre of all decisions, and under guidance of a therapist. If not, that is appalling.